THE CHILDREN BORN TO JACKUP
The Lord saw that Leah was treated poorly by Jackup because he didn’t love her, so being the swell God that he was, made Leah pregnant, while not allowing Rachel to bear a child. (One can certainly not accuse this God of not having a well-developed sense of irony.)
Leah was the first woman to believe that having a child would make her husband love her, though certainly not the last. She named the child Reuben. Little did she know that centuries later, her son would be the namesake of a delicious delicatessen sandwich.
Jackup continued to favor Rachel, and so God caused Leah to become pregnant again, this time with a son named Simian, who had apelike features. When Jackup continued to ignore Leah, God sent another baby, this one named Levi, who would grow up to make a killing in men’s pants. Not liking odd numbers, the Lord sent her one more son, this one named YouDere.
Meanwhile Rachel’s womb lay barren. It was a womb with a view but there were no residents to enjoy the view. Rachel was in a foul mood. She was drinking more than was proper for a lady, smoking heavily, and lashing out at everyone.
“Give me a baby, you bastard,” she said to Jackup, or I will kill myself and the blood will be on your hands.”
This angered Jackup who responded in kind, “What do you think I am, a baby-making machine? Obviously I’m playing with live ammunition, woman. Why are you blaming me for your predicament? You don’t hear your big sister complaining, do you?”
Much as she hated to admit it, Rachel knew Jackup was right in his assessment of the situation. So she did what seemed to be going around at that time. She had her slave girl Billher sleep with Jackup. Jackup wasn’t about to complain about this, as Billher was a saucy tart who loved sucking cock. Billher was fertile as could be, and soon Rachel had a baby, without even having to spoil her figure or go through labor. She named the baby Dandruff.
Though Rachel was just looking for one child, Jackup had such a good time with Billher that soon she was pregnant again, and this baby was named Natalie, an unusual choice of names for a male baby.
Meanwhile, Leah realized that her days as a baby machine were over, and so she followed in her sister’s footsteps, and gave her slave girl, Zipper, to Jackup, who couldn’t believe his good fortune, that both his wives were setting him up with hot slave girls. Zipper, not to be outdone by Billher, also got pregnant twice, producing two little boys that she immediately turned over to Leah.
(Have you noticed once again how all the babies being produced around here seem to be males? Also notice that it seemed perfectly okay to use slaves as baby incubators and then simply take the children away from the slaves as if the slaves had no feelings after having carried these babies.)
The babies born to Zipper were named Gad (the full name was probably Gadfly), and Dasher (because he was born in the rain, dear.)
During harvest time, Reuben went out into the fields to gather mandrakes. (I had to look this up. I thought a mandrake was a muffin or a male duck, but it is an herb that was used to aid conception.) Rachel saw the lovely mandrakes that Reuben was giving to Leah, and said to her sister, “Why don’t you be nice for once and give me some of those mandrakes.”
Leah’s hackles went up as she replied, “Isn’t it enough you stole my husband? Now you want my mandrakes? Screw you, bitch.”
Rachel obviously really liked mandrakes because she answered her sister, “Look, give me the mandrakes and you can do the nasty with Jackup tonight.”
Leah was not about to pass up this opportunity, so she parted with the mandrakes, and that night when Jackup returned to the tent, told him, “You’re bedding down with me tonight per Rachel’s wishes.”
Jackup was beginning to feel like a male prostitute.
“Whoa, Nelly! Wait just a minute here. Do I have any say in who I sleep with? Is my winky for hire, or do I get to decide who I have sex with? All right, but let’s get to it. I’m tired and don’t want to stay up till all hours of the night.”
God must have been pulling strings for Leah again, because she got pregnant, and had a son named ItchyCar, and wouldn’t you know it, got pregnant yet again, producing another little boy named ZebuDung.
After having sided so blatantly with Leah, God was feeling a tad guilty, and allowed Rachel to conceive (either that or it was those mandrakes she ate.) Rachel named her boy Joseph, which in Hebrew means “proof that I’m not sterile.”
JACKUP’S BARGAIN WITH BLABON
After twenty long years in Blabon’s service, Jackup decided it was time to return to the land of his fathers, as it was probably safe by now to do so. Blabon wanted to settle up with him, but Jackup insisted that rather than wages he would just take some of the herd that had prospered under his care. Jackup requested that Blabon allow him to take every black lamb and every spotted or bespectacled goat. (This is probably a translation issue. What was probably meant was speckled goat. Don’t you think?)
Son-of-a-bitch that he was, Blabon then removed every black lamb and spotted and bespectacled goat from the herd, and sent them off with one of his sons. When Jackup realized what Blabon had done, he painted the healthiest white lambs black, and put spots and bifocals on the healthiest goats in the herd. Jackup didn’t have a graduate degree, but he was no wet noodle when it came to cunning and manipulation. Jackup also had a little help from his God, who set it up so that every time one of Blabon’s good animals mated it produced offspring that were bespectacled or spotted, so that they too became part of Jackup’s herd. In this way Jackup soon became a wealthy man, i.e. as long as he could find someone willing to accept an animal in payment of a debt.
Jackup arranged for Leah and Rachel to meet him in the fields and told them, “Look kids, your dad has screwed me over big time, and I think I’ve got to hightail it out of here before he discovers what I’ve done to get even. I’m heading back to my dad’s hacienda. You coming with?”
Rachel spoke up. “There’s nothing left to stay for. That cheap piker has written us out of his will. Give me ten minutes to go rip off some shit from his tent.”
With that, Jackup sent Rachel and Leah to the bus station and gave them bus fare, while he drove the herd. It should not be overlooked that God put in a personal appearance to Jackup and gave him direct instructions to get out of Dodge.
BLABON PURSUES JACKUP
When Blabon caught wind of what Jackup had done, he set out with a small army equipped with rocket propelled grenade launchers and the like, to take back his animals and provide Jackup early entrance into the afterlife. God interceded and warned Blabon to keep his mitts off Jackup.
When Blabon caught up with Jackup, who couldn’t move as fast with a herd of hundreds of nearsighted goats, he asked, ”Why did you leave without saying goodbye? I would have thrown a party for you with tambourines and harp.”
“I know,” replied Jackup. “That’s why I didn’t tell you I was leaving. I hate the harp.”
“I do not intend to harm you,” said Blabon, “but I’d like to take back anything you took unjustly from me. Mind if I have a look around?”
“Be my guest,” amswered Jackup, unaware that Rachel had stolen some of Blabon’s gods from his tent.
Blabon searched the tents of Jackup, Leah, and the slave girls and found nothing. When he entered Rachel’s tent, Rachel was sitting on a camelbag in which she had hidden the
gods.
“Forgive me, Blabon, for not standing in your presence. I mean you no disrespect, but it is that time of the month for me, and it would not be a pretty sight if I were to stand up just now.”
Blabon searched the tent but did not find the gods, which at this point were beginning to penetrate Rachel’s rectum, causing much discomfort.
Jackup then lost it and lashed out at Blabon. “Who do you think you are, mister? I knocked myself out for you all these years and made you a wealthy man, and this is what I get back in return? You come into my encampment and search my tents like some SS guard? Fuck you and the camel you rode in on!”
“Boy, that really felt good,” said Jackup to himself. “I’ve been wanting to tell that bastard off for twenty years.”
Monday, April 20, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Hesaw Begs for Isick's Blessing; Isick Sends Jackup to Blabon;Hesaw Takes Yet Another Wife; Jackup's Dream at Bethel;Jackup Serves Blabon
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Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Hesaw Sells His Rights;Isick Lives at Gerar;Agreement Between Isick and AbbyMelech; Hesaw's Foreign Wives;Isick Blesses Jackup
HESAW SELLS HIS RIGHTS AS THE FIRST-BORN SON
The boys grew up, and Hesaw became a hunter and daddy’s favorite, while Jackup preferred playing with dolls and makeup and was a momma’s boy.
One day Hesaw came in from hunting, and said, “Man, am I hungry. Hey, Jackup, give me some of that bean soup you’re cooking.”
Rebecca was sitting nearby, and piped up. “If you eat any of that bean soup, Hesaw, you’re sleeping outside tonight. We’re not going to have you stinking up the tent like you did the last time you ate beans at night.”
Jackup may not have had the muscles that his brother had, but he could think circles around his somewhat doltish brother, who had the looks of a Neanderthal, and the brains to match.
“You can have some soup if you give me your rights as first-born son,” Jackup told his brother.
“Whatever,” responded Hesaw. “Just give me some of that damn soup. Can’t you see I’m about to pass out from starvation?”
(Hesaw was prone to exaggeration and drama. He had just consumed an elk he had hunted a couple of hours earlier.)
And so for a mere bowl of lentil soup and a piece of pita, Hesaw sold his birthrights to his little brother.
ISICK LIVES AT GERAR
God repeated the same tiresome spiel to Isick about how he was going to give this wonderful barren, stony desert land to Isick’s descendants because God had loved Abraham so much. It’s a good thing that Isick didn’t celebrate Christmas (this holiday wouldn’t come till the New Testament), because God probably would have left a lump of coal in his sock.
Anyway, Isick told King Abby Melech (yeah, the same guy) that Rebecca was his sister, not his wife. (Was this a running joke in this family? Were all these men ashamed of their wives? Or had Isick learned from Abraham that he could barter his wife for some sheep?)
One day Abby was looking out his window, and saw Isick making love with his sister, Rebecca. (You would think they would have gone indoors and made love on a soft bed, but no, they preferred the hard, parched desert floor, with cactus needles piercing their butts.)
“Kinky,” he thought. “They seemed like such straight shooters.”
So Abby questioned Isick the next time he saw him, and Isick spilled the beans.
“What is it with you Jewish guys?” asks the King. “Is this custom among your people to tell everyone that your wife is really your sister? Don’t you realize that one of my horny guards could have raped her, thinking she was your sister? Don’t do that again, bro.”
To make a long story short, Isick was a shrewd businessman, and became very wealthy, engendering much jealousy from his Philistine neighbors, who kept dumping excrement into his wells. Finally Abby Melech confronted Isick, saying, “I think it’s time for you to pack up and get out of here. You’ve become richer than me, and there isn’t room enough for both of us in this town.”
“Richer than I,” responded Isick. “You wouldn’t say, ‘Richer than me am.’ You’d say ‘richer than I am.’”
“Just get out of here before I kick your ass,” said the King, who absolutely hated having his grammar corrected.
THE AGREEMENT BETWEEN ISICK AND ABBY MELECH
Abby Melech traveled to visit Isick one day, along with his army commander, Piehole.
(This may sound familiar, as this is basically a repeat of the visit to Abraham.)
The King oohed and aahed about how God seemed to have favored Isick and his people, and they cut a deal about not making war against each other, and then celebrated as usual by killing animals and having a big barbeque.
HESAW’S FOREIGN WIVES
Hesaw married two Hittite girls, Judith and Bathmat, who made life miserable for their mother and father-in-law.
(Obviously polygamy was acceptable too. What WASN’T allowed? Not getting along with the inlaws also seems to have quite a history.)
ISICK BLESSES JACKUP
Isick was old and had become blind. He called for his son Hesaw.
“Son, you can see that I am old and will soon die.”
“Dad, you’re talking to the goat. I’m over here,” said Hesaw.
“Sorry. Listen, Hesaw, be a good boy and go out and kill some animals for me, and make up some of those tasty kebabs I like so much, and I will give you my blessing before I die.”
Hesaw went off to do his father’s bidding. Rebecca had overheard the conversation and summoned her little momma’s boy. She told Jackup what she had just heard, and told him to go to the corner meat market and buy a goat.
“I’ll cook it up, and you can give it to the old man, and he’ll give you the blessing instead of your brother.”
“But momma,” Jackup replied, “you know how hairy Hesaw is and what big muscles he has. If dad touches me, he’ll know I’m not Hesaw.”
“Oh, stop acting like a little girl for once. Don’t worry about that,” said Rebecca, adjusting Jackup’s glasses, which were askew, making him look like even more of a dork. “Just go get the goat.”
When Jackup returned, she covered him with the skins of animals, and dabbed some of Hesaw’s Essence of Boar cologne on him. He went before his father with the goat meat.
“Father, I have done as you wished. Here is your favorite meat.”
“Which of my sons is this?” asked Isick, talking to the toilet.
“It is I, Hesaw, your favorite, father. I’m over here. You’re talking to the toilet.”
“Sorry about that. You sound so much like Jackup. How did you find the animal so quickly, son?”
“God helped me father. No sooner had I stepped out the door than one of those wild boars crossed my path, and I wrestled him to the ground and gave him an old-fashioned ass whupping.”
“Come here my son, that I might touch you.”
Jackup was afraid that the jig was up, that his father would know it was him, and not Hesaw, but there was nothing to do but approach his father. As he got within a few feet of the old man, Isick exclaimed, “My God, you stink like a wild boar, son. This must be Hesaw. Jackup wears that girly perfume from France.”
And so it happened that Isick unwittingly gave to Jackup the blessing that was intended for Hesaw.
The boys grew up, and Hesaw became a hunter and daddy’s favorite, while Jackup preferred playing with dolls and makeup and was a momma’s boy.
One day Hesaw came in from hunting, and said, “Man, am I hungry. Hey, Jackup, give me some of that bean soup you’re cooking.”
Rebecca was sitting nearby, and piped up. “If you eat any of that bean soup, Hesaw, you’re sleeping outside tonight. We’re not going to have you stinking up the tent like you did the last time you ate beans at night.”
Jackup may not have had the muscles that his brother had, but he could think circles around his somewhat doltish brother, who had the looks of a Neanderthal, and the brains to match.
“You can have some soup if you give me your rights as first-born son,” Jackup told his brother.
“Whatever,” responded Hesaw. “Just give me some of that damn soup. Can’t you see I’m about to pass out from starvation?”
(Hesaw was prone to exaggeration and drama. He had just consumed an elk he had hunted a couple of hours earlier.)
And so for a mere bowl of lentil soup and a piece of pita, Hesaw sold his birthrights to his little brother.
ISICK LIVES AT GERAR
God repeated the same tiresome spiel to Isick about how he was going to give this wonderful barren, stony desert land to Isick’s descendants because God had loved Abraham so much. It’s a good thing that Isick didn’t celebrate Christmas (this holiday wouldn’t come till the New Testament), because God probably would have left a lump of coal in his sock.
Anyway, Isick told King Abby Melech (yeah, the same guy) that Rebecca was his sister, not his wife. (Was this a running joke in this family? Were all these men ashamed of their wives? Or had Isick learned from Abraham that he could barter his wife for some sheep?)
One day Abby was looking out his window, and saw Isick making love with his sister, Rebecca. (You would think they would have gone indoors and made love on a soft bed, but no, they preferred the hard, parched desert floor, with cactus needles piercing their butts.)
“Kinky,” he thought. “They seemed like such straight shooters.”
So Abby questioned Isick the next time he saw him, and Isick spilled the beans.
“What is it with you Jewish guys?” asks the King. “Is this custom among your people to tell everyone that your wife is really your sister? Don’t you realize that one of my horny guards could have raped her, thinking she was your sister? Don’t do that again, bro.”
To make a long story short, Isick was a shrewd businessman, and became very wealthy, engendering much jealousy from his Philistine neighbors, who kept dumping excrement into his wells. Finally Abby Melech confronted Isick, saying, “I think it’s time for you to pack up and get out of here. You’ve become richer than me, and there isn’t room enough for both of us in this town.”
“Richer than I,” responded Isick. “You wouldn’t say, ‘Richer than me am.’ You’d say ‘richer than I am.’”
“Just get out of here before I kick your ass,” said the King, who absolutely hated having his grammar corrected.
THE AGREEMENT BETWEEN ISICK AND ABBY MELECH
Abby Melech traveled to visit Isick one day, along with his army commander, Piehole.
(This may sound familiar, as this is basically a repeat of the visit to Abraham.)
The King oohed and aahed about how God seemed to have favored Isick and his people, and they cut a deal about not making war against each other, and then celebrated as usual by killing animals and having a big barbeque.
HESAW’S FOREIGN WIVES
Hesaw married two Hittite girls, Judith and Bathmat, who made life miserable for their mother and father-in-law.
(Obviously polygamy was acceptable too. What WASN’T allowed? Not getting along with the inlaws also seems to have quite a history.)
ISICK BLESSES JACKUP
Isick was old and had become blind. He called for his son Hesaw.
“Son, you can see that I am old and will soon die.”
“Dad, you’re talking to the goat. I’m over here,” said Hesaw.
“Sorry. Listen, Hesaw, be a good boy and go out and kill some animals for me, and make up some of those tasty kebabs I like so much, and I will give you my blessing before I die.”
Hesaw went off to do his father’s bidding. Rebecca had overheard the conversation and summoned her little momma’s boy. She told Jackup what she had just heard, and told him to go to the corner meat market and buy a goat.
“I’ll cook it up, and you can give it to the old man, and he’ll give you the blessing instead of your brother.”
“But momma,” Jackup replied, “you know how hairy Hesaw is and what big muscles he has. If dad touches me, he’ll know I’m not Hesaw.”
“Oh, stop acting like a little girl for once. Don’t worry about that,” said Rebecca, adjusting Jackup’s glasses, which were askew, making him look like even more of a dork. “Just go get the goat.”
When Jackup returned, she covered him with the skins of animals, and dabbed some of Hesaw’s Essence of Boar cologne on him. He went before his father with the goat meat.
“Father, I have done as you wished. Here is your favorite meat.”
“Which of my sons is this?” asked Isick, talking to the toilet.
“It is I, Hesaw, your favorite, father. I’m over here. You’re talking to the toilet.”
“Sorry about that. You sound so much like Jackup. How did you find the animal so quickly, son?”
“God helped me father. No sooner had I stepped out the door than one of those wild boars crossed my path, and I wrestled him to the ground and gave him an old-fashioned ass whupping.”
“Come here my son, that I might touch you.”
Jackup was afraid that the jig was up, that his father would know it was him, and not Hesaw, but there was nothing to do but approach his father. As he got within a few feet of the old man, Isick exclaimed, “My God, you stink like a wild boar, son. This must be Hesaw. Jackup wears that girly perfume from France.”
And so it happened that Isick unwittingly gave to Jackup the blessing that was intended for Hesaw.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Sarah Dies; A Wife for Isick; Birth of Hesaw and Jackup
SARAH DIES AND ABRAHAM BUYS A BURIAL GROUND
Giving birth in her eighties took its toll on Sarah, not to mention not getting a good night’s sleep for a couple of years. She finally succumbed and passed out while jogging one day. This occurred in the land of the Hittites, and Abraham didn’t want to have to drag the body back to their home town, so he asked around to see if anyone was willing to sell him a plot of land on which he could bury his wife, and perhaps set up a small Jewish cemetery that he might turn into a profitable venture.
A Hittite by the name of Ephron owned some property with a cave on it, which he intended to turn into a tourist attraction/theme restaurant. When he heard that Abraham was looking to buy a patch of land, Ephron offered the land to him. They went back and forth, with Abraham insisting on paying for the land, and Ephron insisting he wouldn’t accept payment, but in the end Abraham prevailed, and so came to own this patch of land that included not only a cave, but also a waterslide park and a miniature golf course still under construction.
A WIFE FOR ISICK
Abraham was getting old and called his servant to him.
“I’m an old altacocka now, and I could buy the farm any time now. I want you to go back to the land of my father, and find a nice Jewish girl for my son Isick. These shicksas around here don’t appreciate a man without a foreskin. Put your hands between my thighs and promise that you will do this for me.”
(I’m not making this stuff up here. If you don’t believe me, check it out in some other Bible. This was the way vows were made.)
The servant did as he was told, putting his hands between Abraham’s thighs.
Abraham’s eyes rolled backward in his head, and his breathing quickened.
“Mmm, does that ever feel good!” he said. “Can you move your hands just a little higher?
Oh yes, that’s the spot. Stay there, will you?” (Abraham was clearly missing Sarah.)
The servant did as he was told, though being a family man, he felt a bit strange about the whole thing.
The next morning, after Abraham had released the servant’s hands from between his thighs, the servant set out on camel to try to find a suitable wife for Isick. He traveled to the town where Abraham’s brother, Nowhere, lived, and inquired as to where women hung out when in the market for a husband.
An old matchmaker told him, “Oh yes, that would be the well in the center of town. All the virgins, divorcees, and widowers go down to the well with the pretense of getting water, but they’re really hoping to hook up. We have no dating service or singles dances in this town, so the well is the best place to be seen.”
The servant went down to the well, and after watering his camel, sat in a corner where he could inconspicuously watch the foot traffic. After a while, he spied an attractive young woman wearing a Star of David around her neck. He sidled up to her as she began to fill her water jar.
“Come here often?” he tossed out as an icebreaker.
“I do,” she replied. “I haven’t seen you around before. Are you new in town?”
The servant was pleased. Things were moving along nicely here. Time to ask her name.
“No, I’m actually from out of town. My name’s Floppo. And you would be…?”
“Rebecca,” she replied, batting her eyelashes coquettishly.
“Not Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm, I presume,” retorted the servant, being perhaps a bit too cute at this point in the conversation.
“Oh, no,” came her reply. “I’m Rebecca, daughter of Bethuel, the son of Abraham’s brother Nowhere and his wife Milkher.
(It seems everyone was related in these parts, leading one to think that incest must have been the order of the day.)
“Can I have a drink of water from your jugs?” asked the servant.
“My jugs have milk in them, silly,” she replied, “but there’s water in those jars over there.
Of course you can have a drink of water,” replied Rebecca, “but whether you may or not is an entirely different matter.”
This grammatical repartee was totally wasted on the servant, who was not an educated man. She could tell from the blank look on his face that he didn’t know what she was talking about, so she moved on.
“Here, take a swig. I’ll go fetch some water for your camel.”
This was the sign that the servant was looking for, as Abraham had instructed him. The right one for Isick would spontaneously offer to satisfy the camel. Abraham thought that any woman who could satisfy a camel would suffice for his Isick. The servant could also tell that Rebecca was a virgin, though it was not at all clear how he could tell this without doing a pelvic exam.
The servant put a ring in Rebecca’s nose which bothered Rebecca to say the least, as she wasn’t pierced anywhere, and didn’t have even a delicate tattoo on her ankle or shoulder.
The servant asked if he could go home with her, and thinking that he might propose to her, Rebecca led him to her home, or more likely he led her by the nose ring.
At her home, after proper introductions were made, the servant told Rebecca’s parents the story of what he was doing at the well, and made sure to let them know how well off Abraham was, and how well endowed his son Isick was.
The servant made it clear that Rebecca would have to travel back with him to dwell in Cannon with Isick. Rebecca wanted to stay a few days with her family before bidding them farewell, but her mother and father pushed her out the door, saying, “Go, Rebecca.
Go. We’ll fix you a little snack, and pack a couple of dresses, and you’ll be set to go. There’s some chopped liver left over from supper last night. Would you like a little chopped liver sandwich on some nice pumpernickel? How about you, servant? A little chopped liver for you, tatskelah?”
It was clear to the servant that as far as the parents were concerned, it was high time that Rebecca left home and stopped mooching off them.
When they reached the town in which Abraham’s family dwelled, Rebecca saw a young man approaching them.
“Who’s the hunk?” she inquired of the servant.
“That’s master Isick,” the servant answered.
It was lust at first sight, and though Isick had never met a girl with a nose ring, that night there were sounds of pleasure arising from Isick’s tent. The noise kept Abraham awake half the night, but he was pleased that his son finally had a partner, with whom he could continue the blood line. From the sounds emanating from the tent, it was clear Isick wasn’t wasting any time in this matter.
THE BIRTH OF HESAW AND JACKUP
Rebecca, the wife of Isick, was not having much luck getting pregnant, despite Isick being a horny bugger, and so Isick asked God for help. God paid a visit to Rebecca, and lo and behold, it was soon obvious to all that Rebecca was with child, though it was not so obvious whether the child was fathered by her husband or by divine intervention. Judging by the sounds coming from her tent that night, it was clear that it was divine for Rebecca, whoever it was.
Rebecca was pregnant with twins, and she could feel them fighting each other even in her womb. It was as if they were warring against each other. She asked God why it felt this way and he answered, “You are carrying two enemies, who will become bitter rivals and hate each others’ guts.”
“Wonderful,” Rebecca replied. “Just what I needed! I knew it was a mistake talking to that Floppo guy at the well.”
Rebecca gave birth to twin sons. (What? Did you expect a girl child?) One had so much hair on his body it looked like he was wearing a mohair sweater. He was named Hesaw, which means “baby wearing a mohair sweater.” The second son was born holding tight to Hesaw’s heel, and so he was named Jackup, which means “he who hangs onto the heel of another.”
Giving birth in her eighties took its toll on Sarah, not to mention not getting a good night’s sleep for a couple of years. She finally succumbed and passed out while jogging one day. This occurred in the land of the Hittites, and Abraham didn’t want to have to drag the body back to their home town, so he asked around to see if anyone was willing to sell him a plot of land on which he could bury his wife, and perhaps set up a small Jewish cemetery that he might turn into a profitable venture.
A Hittite by the name of Ephron owned some property with a cave on it, which he intended to turn into a tourist attraction/theme restaurant. When he heard that Abraham was looking to buy a patch of land, Ephron offered the land to him. They went back and forth, with Abraham insisting on paying for the land, and Ephron insisting he wouldn’t accept payment, but in the end Abraham prevailed, and so came to own this patch of land that included not only a cave, but also a waterslide park and a miniature golf course still under construction.
A WIFE FOR ISICK
Abraham was getting old and called his servant to him.
“I’m an old altacocka now, and I could buy the farm any time now. I want you to go back to the land of my father, and find a nice Jewish girl for my son Isick. These shicksas around here don’t appreciate a man without a foreskin. Put your hands between my thighs and promise that you will do this for me.”
(I’m not making this stuff up here. If you don’t believe me, check it out in some other Bible. This was the way vows were made.)
The servant did as he was told, putting his hands between Abraham’s thighs.
Abraham’s eyes rolled backward in his head, and his breathing quickened.
“Mmm, does that ever feel good!” he said. “Can you move your hands just a little higher?
Oh yes, that’s the spot. Stay there, will you?” (Abraham was clearly missing Sarah.)
The servant did as he was told, though being a family man, he felt a bit strange about the whole thing.
The next morning, after Abraham had released the servant’s hands from between his thighs, the servant set out on camel to try to find a suitable wife for Isick. He traveled to the town where Abraham’s brother, Nowhere, lived, and inquired as to where women hung out when in the market for a husband.
An old matchmaker told him, “Oh yes, that would be the well in the center of town. All the virgins, divorcees, and widowers go down to the well with the pretense of getting water, but they’re really hoping to hook up. We have no dating service or singles dances in this town, so the well is the best place to be seen.”
The servant went down to the well, and after watering his camel, sat in a corner where he could inconspicuously watch the foot traffic. After a while, he spied an attractive young woman wearing a Star of David around her neck. He sidled up to her as she began to fill her water jar.
“Come here often?” he tossed out as an icebreaker.
“I do,” she replied. “I haven’t seen you around before. Are you new in town?”
The servant was pleased. Things were moving along nicely here. Time to ask her name.
“No, I’m actually from out of town. My name’s Floppo. And you would be…?”
“Rebecca,” she replied, batting her eyelashes coquettishly.
“Not Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm, I presume,” retorted the servant, being perhaps a bit too cute at this point in the conversation.
“Oh, no,” came her reply. “I’m Rebecca, daughter of Bethuel, the son of Abraham’s brother Nowhere and his wife Milkher.
(It seems everyone was related in these parts, leading one to think that incest must have been the order of the day.)
“Can I have a drink of water from your jugs?” asked the servant.
“My jugs have milk in them, silly,” she replied, “but there’s water in those jars over there.
Of course you can have a drink of water,” replied Rebecca, “but whether you may or not is an entirely different matter.”
This grammatical repartee was totally wasted on the servant, who was not an educated man. She could tell from the blank look on his face that he didn’t know what she was talking about, so she moved on.
“Here, take a swig. I’ll go fetch some water for your camel.”
This was the sign that the servant was looking for, as Abraham had instructed him. The right one for Isick would spontaneously offer to satisfy the camel. Abraham thought that any woman who could satisfy a camel would suffice for his Isick. The servant could also tell that Rebecca was a virgin, though it was not at all clear how he could tell this without doing a pelvic exam.
The servant put a ring in Rebecca’s nose which bothered Rebecca to say the least, as she wasn’t pierced anywhere, and didn’t have even a delicate tattoo on her ankle or shoulder.
The servant asked if he could go home with her, and thinking that he might propose to her, Rebecca led him to her home, or more likely he led her by the nose ring.
At her home, after proper introductions were made, the servant told Rebecca’s parents the story of what he was doing at the well, and made sure to let them know how well off Abraham was, and how well endowed his son Isick was.
The servant made it clear that Rebecca would have to travel back with him to dwell in Cannon with Isick. Rebecca wanted to stay a few days with her family before bidding them farewell, but her mother and father pushed her out the door, saying, “Go, Rebecca.
Go. We’ll fix you a little snack, and pack a couple of dresses, and you’ll be set to go. There’s some chopped liver left over from supper last night. Would you like a little chopped liver sandwich on some nice pumpernickel? How about you, servant? A little chopped liver for you, tatskelah?”
It was clear to the servant that as far as the parents were concerned, it was high time that Rebecca left home and stopped mooching off them.
When they reached the town in which Abraham’s family dwelled, Rebecca saw a young man approaching them.
“Who’s the hunk?” she inquired of the servant.
“That’s master Isick,” the servant answered.
It was lust at first sight, and though Isick had never met a girl with a nose ring, that night there were sounds of pleasure arising from Isick’s tent. The noise kept Abraham awake half the night, but he was pleased that his son finally had a partner, with whom he could continue the blood line. From the sounds emanating from the tent, it was clear Isick wasn’t wasting any time in this matter.
THE BIRTH OF HESAW AND JACKUP
Rebecca, the wife of Isick, was not having much luck getting pregnant, despite Isick being a horny bugger, and so Isick asked God for help. God paid a visit to Rebecca, and lo and behold, it was soon obvious to all that Rebecca was with child, though it was not so obvious whether the child was fathered by her husband or by divine intervention. Judging by the sounds coming from her tent that night, it was clear that it was divine for Rebecca, whoever it was.
Rebecca was pregnant with twins, and she could feel them fighting each other even in her womb. It was as if they were warring against each other. She asked God why it felt this way and he answered, “You are carrying two enemies, who will become bitter rivals and hate each others’ guts.”
“Wonderful,” Rebecca replied. “Just what I needed! I knew it was a mistake talking to that Floppo guy at the well.”
Rebecca gave birth to twin sons. (What? Did you expect a girl child?) One had so much hair on his body it looked like he was wearing a mohair sweater. He was named Hesaw, which means “baby wearing a mohair sweater.” The second son was born holding tight to Hesaw’s heel, and so he was named Jackup, which means “he who hangs onto the heel of another.”
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