The Chikldren Born to Jackup; Jackup's Bargain with Blabon;Blabon Pursues Jackup

THE CHILDREN BORN TO JACKUP

The Lord saw that Leah was treated poorly by Jackup because he didn’t love her, so being the swell God that he was, made Leah pregnant, while not allowing Rachel to bear a child. (One can certainly not accuse this God of not having a well-developed sense of irony.)
Leah was the first woman to believe that having a child would make her husband love her, though certainly not the last. She named the child Reuben. Little did she know that centuries later, her son would be the namesake of a delicious delicatessen sandwich.
Jackup continued to favor Rachel, and so God caused Leah to become pregnant again, this time with a son named Simian, who had apelike features. When Jackup continued to ignore Leah, God sent another baby, this one named Levi, who would grow up to make a killing in men’s pants. Not liking odd numbers, the Lord sent her one more son, this one named YouDere.

Meanwhile Rachel’s womb lay barren. It was a womb with a view but there were no residents to enjoy the view. Rachel was in a foul mood. She was drinking more than was proper for a lady, smoking heavily, and lashing out at everyone.
“Give me a baby, you bastard,” she said to Jackup, or I will kill myself and the blood will be on your hands.”

This angered Jackup who responded in kind, “What do you think I am, a baby-making machine? Obviously I’m playing with live ammunition, woman. Why are you blaming me for your predicament? You don’t hear your big sister complaining, do you?”
Much as she hated to admit it, Rachel knew Jackup was right in his assessment of the situation. So she did what seemed to be going around at that time. She had her slave girl Billher sleep with Jackup. Jackup wasn’t about to complain about this, as Billher was a saucy tart who loved sucking cock. Billher was fertile as could be, and soon Rachel had a baby, without even having to spoil her figure or go through labor. She named the baby Dandruff.

Though Rachel was just looking for one child, Jackup had such a good time with Billher that soon she was pregnant again, and this baby was named Natalie, an unusual choice of names for a male baby.
Meanwhile, Leah realized that her days as a baby machine were over, and so she followed in her sister’s footsteps, and gave her slave girl, Zipper, to Jackup, who couldn’t believe his good fortune, that both his wives were setting him up with hot slave girls. Zipper, not to be outdone by Billher, also got pregnant twice, producing two little boys that she immediately turned over to Leah.

(Have you noticed once again how all the babies being produced around here seem to be males? Also notice that it seemed perfectly okay to use slaves as baby incubators and then simply take the children away from the slaves as if the slaves had no feelings after having carried these babies.)

The babies born to Zipper were named Gad (the full name was probably Gadfly), and Dasher (because he was born in the rain, dear.)
During harvest time, Reuben went out into the fields to gather mandrakes. (I had to look this up. I thought a mandrake was a muffin or a male duck, but it is an herb that was used to aid conception.) Rachel saw the lovely mandrakes that Reuben was giving to Leah, and said to her sister, “Why don’t you be nice for once and give me some of those mandrakes.”
Leah’s hackles went up as she replied, “Isn’t it enough you stole my husband? Now you want my mandrakes? Screw you, bitch.”
Rachel obviously really liked mandrakes because she answered her sister, “Look, give me the mandrakes and you can do the nasty with Jackup tonight.”
Leah was not about to pass up this opportunity, so she parted with the mandrakes, and that night when Jackup returned to the tent, told him, “You’re bedding down with me tonight per Rachel’s wishes.”

Jackup was beginning to feel like a male prostitute.
“Whoa, Nelly! Wait just a minute here. Do I have any say in who I sleep with? Is my winky for hire, or do I get to decide who I have sex with? All right, but let’s get to it. I’m tired and don’t want to stay up till all hours of the night.”

God must have been pulling strings for Leah again, because she got pregnant, and had a son named ItchyCar, and wouldn’t you know it, got pregnant yet again, producing another little boy named ZebuDung.

After having sided so blatantly with Leah, God was feeling a tad guilty, and allowed Rachel to conceive (either that or it was those mandrakes she ate.) Rachel named her boy Joseph, which in Hebrew means “proof that I’m not sterile.”


JACKUP’S BARGAIN WITH BLABON

After twenty long years in Blabon’s service, Jackup decided it was time to return to the land of his fathers, as it was probably safe by now to do so. Blabon wanted to settle up with him, but Jackup insisted that rather than wages he would just take some of the herd that had prospered under his care. Jackup requested that Blabon allow him to take every black lamb and every spotted or bespectacled goat. (This is probably a translation issue. What was probably meant was speckled goat. Don’t you think?)

Son-of-a-bitch that he was, Blabon then removed every black lamb and spotted and bespectacled goat from the herd, and sent them off with one of his sons. When Jackup realized what Blabon had done, he painted the healthiest white lambs black, and put spots and bifocals on the healthiest goats in the herd. Jackup didn’t have a graduate degree, but he was no wet noodle when it came to cunning and manipulation. Jackup also had a little help from his God, who set it up so that every time one of Blabon’s good animals mated it produced offspring that were bespectacled or spotted, so that they too became part of Jackup’s herd. In this way Jackup soon became a wealthy man, i.e. as long as he could find someone willing to accept an animal in payment of a debt.

Jackup arranged for Leah and Rachel to meet him in the fields and told them, “Look kids, your dad has screwed me over big time, and I think I’ve got to hightail it out of here before he discovers what I’ve done to get even. I’m heading back to my dad’s hacienda. You coming with?”
Rachel spoke up. “There’s nothing left to stay for. That cheap piker has written us out of his will. Give me ten minutes to go rip off some shit from his tent.”
With that, Jackup sent Rachel and Leah to the bus station and gave them bus fare, while he drove the herd. It should not be overlooked that God put in a personal appearance to Jackup and gave him direct instructions to get out of Dodge.


BLABON PURSUES JACKUP

When Blabon caught wind of what Jackup had done, he set out with a small army equipped with rocket propelled grenade launchers and the like, to take back his animals and provide Jackup early entrance into the afterlife. God interceded and warned Blabon to keep his mitts off Jackup.

When Blabon caught up with Jackup, who couldn’t move as fast with a herd of hundreds of nearsighted goats, he asked, ”Why did you leave without saying goodbye? I would have thrown a party for you with tambourines and harp.”
“I know,” replied Jackup. “That’s why I didn’t tell you I was leaving. I hate the harp.”
“I do not intend to harm you,” said Blabon, “but I’d like to take back anything you took unjustly from me. Mind if I have a look around?”
“Be my guest,” amswered Jackup, unaware that Rachel had stolen some of Blabon’s gods from his tent.

Blabon searched the tents of Jackup, Leah, and the slave girls and found nothing. When he entered Rachel’s tent, Rachel was sitting on a camelbag in which she had hidden the
gods.
“Forgive me, Blabon, for not standing in your presence. I mean you no disrespect, but it is that time of the month for me, and it would not be a pretty sight if I were to stand up just now.”

Blabon searched the tent but did not find the gods, which at this point were beginning to penetrate Rachel’s rectum, causing much discomfort.
Jackup then lost it and lashed out at Blabon. “Who do you think you are, mister? I knocked myself out for you all these years and made you a wealthy man, and this is what I get back in return? You come into my encampment and search my tents like some SS guard? Fuck you and the camel you rode in on!”

“Boy, that really felt good,” said Jackup to himself. “I’ve been wanting to tell that bastard off for twenty years.”