HESAW SELLS HIS RIGHTS AS THE FIRST-BORN SON
The boys grew up, and Hesaw became a hunter and daddy’s favorite, while Jackup preferred playing with dolls and makeup and was a momma’s boy.
One day Hesaw came in from hunting, and said, “Man, am I hungry. Hey, Jackup, give me some of that bean soup you’re cooking.”
Rebecca was sitting nearby, and piped up. “If you eat any of that bean soup, Hesaw, you’re sleeping outside tonight. We’re not going to have you stinking up the tent like you did the last time you ate beans at night.”
Jackup may not have had the muscles that his brother had, but he could think circles around his somewhat doltish brother, who had the looks of a Neanderthal, and the brains to match.
“You can have some soup if you give me your rights as first-born son,” Jackup told his brother.
“Whatever,” responded Hesaw. “Just give me some of that damn soup. Can’t you see I’m about to pass out from starvation?”
(Hesaw was prone to exaggeration and drama. He had just consumed an elk he had hunted a couple of hours earlier.)
And so for a mere bowl of lentil soup and a piece of pita, Hesaw sold his birthrights to his little brother.
ISICK LIVES AT GERAR
God repeated the same tiresome spiel to Isick about how he was going to give this wonderful barren, stony desert land to Isick’s descendants because God had loved Abraham so much. It’s a good thing that Isick didn’t celebrate Christmas (this holiday wouldn’t come till the New Testament), because God probably would have left a lump of coal in his sock.
Anyway, Isick told King Abby Melech (yeah, the same guy) that Rebecca was his sister, not his wife. (Was this a running joke in this family? Were all these men ashamed of their wives? Or had Isick learned from Abraham that he could barter his wife for some sheep?)
One day Abby was looking out his window, and saw Isick making love with his sister, Rebecca. (You would think they would have gone indoors and made love on a soft bed, but no, they preferred the hard, parched desert floor, with cactus needles piercing their butts.)
“Kinky,” he thought. “They seemed like such straight shooters.”
So Abby questioned Isick the next time he saw him, and Isick spilled the beans.
“What is it with you Jewish guys?” asks the King. “Is this custom among your people to tell everyone that your wife is really your sister? Don’t you realize that one of my horny guards could have raped her, thinking she was your sister? Don’t do that again, bro.”
To make a long story short, Isick was a shrewd businessman, and became very wealthy, engendering much jealousy from his Philistine neighbors, who kept dumping excrement into his wells. Finally Abby Melech confronted Isick, saying, “I think it’s time for you to pack up and get out of here. You’ve become richer than me, and there isn’t room enough for both of us in this town.”
“Richer than I,” responded Isick. “You wouldn’t say, ‘Richer than me am.’ You’d say ‘richer than I am.’”
“Just get out of here before I kick your ass,” said the King, who absolutely hated having his grammar corrected.
THE AGREEMENT BETWEEN ISICK AND ABBY MELECH
Abby Melech traveled to visit Isick one day, along with his army commander, Piehole.
(This may sound familiar, as this is basically a repeat of the visit to Abraham.)
The King oohed and aahed about how God seemed to have favored Isick and his people, and they cut a deal about not making war against each other, and then celebrated as usual by killing animals and having a big barbeque.
HESAW’S FOREIGN WIVES
Hesaw married two Hittite girls, Judith and Bathmat, who made life miserable for their mother and father-in-law.
(Obviously polygamy was acceptable too. What WASN’T allowed? Not getting along with the inlaws also seems to have quite a history.)
ISICK BLESSES JACKUP
Isick was old and had become blind. He called for his son Hesaw.
“Son, you can see that I am old and will soon die.”
“Dad, you’re talking to the goat. I’m over here,” said Hesaw.
“Sorry. Listen, Hesaw, be a good boy and go out and kill some animals for me, and make up some of those tasty kebabs I like so much, and I will give you my blessing before I die.”
Hesaw went off to do his father’s bidding. Rebecca had overheard the conversation and summoned her little momma’s boy. She told Jackup what she had just heard, and told him to go to the corner meat market and buy a goat.
“I’ll cook it up, and you can give it to the old man, and he’ll give you the blessing instead of your brother.”
“But momma,” Jackup replied, “you know how hairy Hesaw is and what big muscles he has. If dad touches me, he’ll know I’m not Hesaw.”
“Oh, stop acting like a little girl for once. Don’t worry about that,” said Rebecca, adjusting Jackup’s glasses, which were askew, making him look like even more of a dork. “Just go get the goat.”
When Jackup returned, she covered him with the skins of animals, and dabbed some of Hesaw’s Essence of Boar cologne on him. He went before his father with the goat meat.
“Father, I have done as you wished. Here is your favorite meat.”
“Which of my sons is this?” asked Isick, talking to the toilet.
“It is I, Hesaw, your favorite, father. I’m over here. You’re talking to the toilet.”
“Sorry about that. You sound so much like Jackup. How did you find the animal so quickly, son?”
“God helped me father. No sooner had I stepped out the door than one of those wild boars crossed my path, and I wrestled him to the ground and gave him an old-fashioned ass whupping.”
“Come here my son, that I might touch you.”
Jackup was afraid that the jig was up, that his father would know it was him, and not Hesaw, but there was nothing to do but approach his father. As he got within a few feet of the old man, Isick exclaimed, “My God, you stink like a wild boar, son. This must be Hesaw. Jackup wears that girly perfume from France.”
And so it happened that Isick unwittingly gave to Jackup the blessing that was intended for Hesaw.
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