Friday, February 27, 2009
Freedback
If there is anyone out there actually reading this nonsense, I would love to hear from you and find out what you think of it. You can email me at chongueinteek@yahoo.com. Thank you
The Flood;The End of the Flood:Noway Offers a Sacrifice
THE FLOOD
And God told NoWay, “Take into the boat with you seven pair of clean animals, but only one pair of unclean animals.”
“Clean and unclean animals?” came NoWay’s response.
“Is there an echo in this room?” responded the Lord. “Do I lisp? Yes, NoWay, clean and unclean animals-do I not make myself clear?”
“Begging your pardon, Lord, but I’m not catching the drift. How do I tell a clean animal from an unclean animal?”
“Okay, NoWay, pay attention now. I’ll talk very slowly. Kitty cat-clean. Pig-unclean. Cockapoo puppy-clean. Rhinoceros-unclean. Get the picture?”
NoWay still wasn’t sure he grasped the concept, but he was not about to incur any more of God’s sarcasm, so he nodded his head.
“Okay, NoWay, now haul ass and get everyone on the boat, because I’m about to let loose a mighty stream, and you don’t want to be in the way when that happens.”
NoWay was 600 years old at this time, but he was a jogger and a workout fanatic, and he still moved pretty good for an old guy. Seven days after NoWay had gotten everyone on board, the rains started, and for forty days and forty nights, it rained cats and dogs. You can only imagine of how little value an umbrella would have been against a sky raining such animals. One small dog landing on your umbrella would have been enough to disable it completely. It was a mess! At least water soaks into the earth and goes down storm sewers. Cats and dogs just pile up. Imagine what that must have looked like after forty days!
NoWay had forgotten to put an engine in his boat. Remember he was working against a tight deadline, and the only thing he had ever built prior to this boat was a campfire to roast marshmallows when he was a Cub Scout. After forty days the boat came to rest on Mount Ararat. Interestingly this was the same place the boat had begun its journey. One might consider this a remarkable coincidence, but then again, if one gave this a moment of reflection, one would quickly conclude that a boat without an engine would not get very far, especially in a sea of cats and dogs, which are not particularly buoyant.
It turned out to be a good thing NoWay had so many animals on board, because the cats and dogs did not recede for one hundred and fifty days, and NoWay and his family were trapped aboard the vessel for this period, and the meager supply of grain and figs had run out after two weeks. Fortunately a couple of NoWay’s relatives were butchers, and NoWay was thankful that he had such a bountiful supply of animals on board to feed him and his family for the next several months.
THE END OF THE FLOOD
When the flood abated, NoWay sent out a pigeon, but it never came back. Two weeks later he sent out a dove, and it returned with a bottle of olive oil. He took this as a good sign, and a week later sent out a parrot. The parrot returned a couple of days later and said “Pretty bird, pretty bird.”
NoWay put his hands around the parrot’s throat, and said “Knock it off, or you’re supper tonight. What did you see out there?”
The parrot, realizing that NoWay wasn’t joking about the supper remark, answered, “A world of dead cats and dogs, but otherwise not much going on, boss.”
God instructed NoWay to get everyone off the boat, and to send them out to reproduce and repopulate the Earth. NoWay was thankful that he had spared one male and one female pig, as they had been incredibly tasty, and it would have been a shame to have a world without bacon, pork chops, and ribs.
NOWAY OFFERS A SACRIFICE
NoWay built an altar to the Lord, and made a burnt sacrifice of one each of the animals who remained, except the pigs as previously mentioned. The Lord, smelling the sweet smell of the smoke, exclaimed, “Mmm, barbeque-damn, why wasn’t I invited?”
God had been doing some heavy thinking, and had come to some conclusions.
“You know, I guess I just have to accept the fact that humans have some bad intentions, and those that don’t have bad intentions are simply weak and driven by their animal nature, and are bound to screw up. I can’t be sending natural disasters down to wipe out the human race every time I get pissed off. From now on, I’ll just send local disasters that wipe out small pockets of humanity.”
And God followed through with this commitment, sending drought, hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, mudslides, forest fires, diseases, and war whenever he was irked by the behavior of man. Centuries later when he was particularly ticked off at the hedonistic lifestyle of Californians, he sent combinations of these disasters on a regular basis as punishment.
And God told NoWay, “Take into the boat with you seven pair of clean animals, but only one pair of unclean animals.”
“Clean and unclean animals?” came NoWay’s response.
“Is there an echo in this room?” responded the Lord. “Do I lisp? Yes, NoWay, clean and unclean animals-do I not make myself clear?”
“Begging your pardon, Lord, but I’m not catching the drift. How do I tell a clean animal from an unclean animal?”
“Okay, NoWay, pay attention now. I’ll talk very slowly. Kitty cat-clean. Pig-unclean. Cockapoo puppy-clean. Rhinoceros-unclean. Get the picture?”
NoWay still wasn’t sure he grasped the concept, but he was not about to incur any more of God’s sarcasm, so he nodded his head.
“Okay, NoWay, now haul ass and get everyone on the boat, because I’m about to let loose a mighty stream, and you don’t want to be in the way when that happens.”
NoWay was 600 years old at this time, but he was a jogger and a workout fanatic, and he still moved pretty good for an old guy. Seven days after NoWay had gotten everyone on board, the rains started, and for forty days and forty nights, it rained cats and dogs. You can only imagine of how little value an umbrella would have been against a sky raining such animals. One small dog landing on your umbrella would have been enough to disable it completely. It was a mess! At least water soaks into the earth and goes down storm sewers. Cats and dogs just pile up. Imagine what that must have looked like after forty days!
NoWay had forgotten to put an engine in his boat. Remember he was working against a tight deadline, and the only thing he had ever built prior to this boat was a campfire to roast marshmallows when he was a Cub Scout. After forty days the boat came to rest on Mount Ararat. Interestingly this was the same place the boat had begun its journey. One might consider this a remarkable coincidence, but then again, if one gave this a moment of reflection, one would quickly conclude that a boat without an engine would not get very far, especially in a sea of cats and dogs, which are not particularly buoyant.
It turned out to be a good thing NoWay had so many animals on board, because the cats and dogs did not recede for one hundred and fifty days, and NoWay and his family were trapped aboard the vessel for this period, and the meager supply of grain and figs had run out after two weeks. Fortunately a couple of NoWay’s relatives were butchers, and NoWay was thankful that he had such a bountiful supply of animals on board to feed him and his family for the next several months.
THE END OF THE FLOOD
When the flood abated, NoWay sent out a pigeon, but it never came back. Two weeks later he sent out a dove, and it returned with a bottle of olive oil. He took this as a good sign, and a week later sent out a parrot. The parrot returned a couple of days later and said “Pretty bird, pretty bird.”
NoWay put his hands around the parrot’s throat, and said “Knock it off, or you’re supper tonight. What did you see out there?”
The parrot, realizing that NoWay wasn’t joking about the supper remark, answered, “A world of dead cats and dogs, but otherwise not much going on, boss.”
God instructed NoWay to get everyone off the boat, and to send them out to reproduce and repopulate the Earth. NoWay was thankful that he had spared one male and one female pig, as they had been incredibly tasty, and it would have been a shame to have a world without bacon, pork chops, and ribs.
NOWAY OFFERS A SACRIFICE
NoWay built an altar to the Lord, and made a burnt sacrifice of one each of the animals who remained, except the pigs as previously mentioned. The Lord, smelling the sweet smell of the smoke, exclaimed, “Mmm, barbeque-damn, why wasn’t I invited?”
God had been doing some heavy thinking, and had come to some conclusions.
“You know, I guess I just have to accept the fact that humans have some bad intentions, and those that don’t have bad intentions are simply weak and driven by their animal nature, and are bound to screw up. I can’t be sending natural disasters down to wipe out the human race every time I get pissed off. From now on, I’ll just send local disasters that wipe out small pockets of humanity.”
And God followed through with this commitment, sending drought, hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, mudslides, forest fires, diseases, and war whenever he was irked by the behavior of man. Centuries later when he was particularly ticked off at the hedonistic lifestyle of Californians, he sent combinations of these disasters on a regular basis as punishment.
Monday, February 23, 2009
The Descendants of Cain and Adman; The Wickedness of Mankind; Noway
THE DESCENDANTS OF CAIN AND ADMAN
Everyone started reproducing like rabbits at this point, and pretty soon the population was exploding exponentially, with more strange names floating around than you could shake a stick at. There was Mentholatum, father of LambShack. LambShack was married to Abba and Godzillah. Abba gave birth to two sons named Jubal and Jabal, ancestors of Tweedledum and Tweedledee. Godzillah begat Tubal Ligation, whose sister was Nevermore, named after a passage from Edgar Allen Poe(m). The highlight of this section of the Bah Bull was the announcement by LambShack to his wives that he had killed a young twenty-something for shorting him on a drug deal.
Adman decided later in life that he sorely missed changing diapers, and at the age of 130 had a son named Seth. (If one were to think about this rationally, one might wonder about the quality of sperm that had been around for 130 years, not to mention the libido of a guy Adman’s age, but then who are we to question the word of God?) Adman enjoyed his newborn so much that he sired other children after the age of 130, and had a few more good years, dying at the age of 930. (I know what you’re thinking. Does this guy think we fell off a turnip truck? If he said 600 or 700, we might have bought that, but c’mon, no one lives to 900! Think about it though: no pollution, a natural food diet, lots of fresh air and exercise, no smoking, and good God genes. Could happen.)
Mentholatum had LambShack when he was 187, and died at 969, making Adman look like a wimp by comparison. LambShack had a son named NoWay, and died at 777, a multiple of 111, like 666, the mark of Satan, a meaningless bit of numerical trivia.
NoWay was leery of commitment, and being unskilled, lacked confidence in his ability to support a family, and so waited a few years until he had established himself in a career. Five hundred years to be exact. NoWay had three sons after the age of 500, who he referred to as My Three Sons. NoWay’s sons were named Phlegm, Ham, and Pork Chop.
(If you think I’m making these numbers up, check out another version of the Bible. I might be making some of the names up, but I wouldn’t mess with the numbers.)
THE WICKEDNESS OF MANKIND
There were many beautiful girls being born (remember the comeliness of Even, the fount of all this reproduction,) and they were scooped up by heavenly beings who carried them off somewhere where they could fool around with them. At this time there were beings walking the face of the Earth who were the offspring of mortal women and heavenly beings, whatever or whoever these heavenly beings were. They didn’t carry ID or credit cards-that’s for sure. One can only theorize as to who these heavenly beings were, but they obviously had a taste for nubile Earth girls.
God was absolutely disgusted with all the fornication, masturbation, oral sex, and ménage a trois that was going on, especially since he was never invited to join in the fun, so He decided to wipe out the human race he had created, sparing only NoWay, who had become his favorite drinking buddy and confidante.
NOWAY
God was fed up with the misbehavior of humans. It was like friggin’ Chicago during the days of Capone. Liquor, gambling, drugs, sex, corruption-come to think of it, it was just like virtually everyplace else during every period of history. Makes you wonder if maybe the fault lay in the Creator. Oh well, ours is not to question. Anyway, there was one geek who was a goody-two-shoes and never did anything bad. This guy was B-O-R-I-N-G, but God thought he was the cat’s meow. His name was NoWay.
God told NoWay that he was going to send a giant flood to destroy mankind, womankind, childkind and animalkind, and that NoWay should get to work on a cruise ship big enough to house NoWay’s immediate and extended family, and a bunch of animals.
God said, “Make sure you take a male and female of every type of animal, because you might be on the boat for a long time, and nothing spoils the tranquility of a cruise like a bunch of big, horny animals running up and down the decks looking for something to copulate with.”
NoWay asked, “Every animal, Lord?”
God replied, “ Well, I suppose you could leave the mosquitoes, ticks, fleas and tsetse flies behind.”
NoWay said, “You know you can count on me, Captain (this was his nickname for the Big Kahuna) but I don’t know shit from shinola when it comes to carpentry. Couldn’t you get Jesus to build the ship? After all, he’s a carpenter.”
God was annoyed by this stupid question, and responded peevishly, “You idiot! Don’t you see how anachronistic that is? Jesus doesn’t come till the New Testament. Are you trying to rewrite history?”
“Of course, forgive me the faux pas. What was I thinking? I’ll give it my best shot. I just hope I’m able.”
“No way,” responded God. “You can’t be Abel. Cain slew Abel, or is it slawed…let’s see…slay…slew…slawding? Well, he killed him, let’s leave it at that.”
And so NoWay had his wife write invitations to two of every animal and bird, and asked them to RSVP. He didn’t invite any fish because he heard they drank like fish, and he didn’t want any trouble on the ship. Besides, being fish, he figured they would weather the flood just fine. Sure they might get wet, but they weren’t going to drown!
Meanwhile NoWay started putting in some long hours to prepare the vessel that was to save him, his family, and a boatload of animals.
Everyone started reproducing like rabbits at this point, and pretty soon the population was exploding exponentially, with more strange names floating around than you could shake a stick at. There was Mentholatum, father of LambShack. LambShack was married to Abba and Godzillah. Abba gave birth to two sons named Jubal and Jabal, ancestors of Tweedledum and Tweedledee. Godzillah begat Tubal Ligation, whose sister was Nevermore, named after a passage from Edgar Allen Poe(m). The highlight of this section of the Bah Bull was the announcement by LambShack to his wives that he had killed a young twenty-something for shorting him on a drug deal.
Adman decided later in life that he sorely missed changing diapers, and at the age of 130 had a son named Seth. (If one were to think about this rationally, one might wonder about the quality of sperm that had been around for 130 years, not to mention the libido of a guy Adman’s age, but then who are we to question the word of God?) Adman enjoyed his newborn so much that he sired other children after the age of 130, and had a few more good years, dying at the age of 930. (I know what you’re thinking. Does this guy think we fell off a turnip truck? If he said 600 or 700, we might have bought that, but c’mon, no one lives to 900! Think about it though: no pollution, a natural food diet, lots of fresh air and exercise, no smoking, and good God genes. Could happen.)
Mentholatum had LambShack when he was 187, and died at 969, making Adman look like a wimp by comparison. LambShack had a son named NoWay, and died at 777, a multiple of 111, like 666, the mark of Satan, a meaningless bit of numerical trivia.
NoWay was leery of commitment, and being unskilled, lacked confidence in his ability to support a family, and so waited a few years until he had established himself in a career. Five hundred years to be exact. NoWay had three sons after the age of 500, who he referred to as My Three Sons. NoWay’s sons were named Phlegm, Ham, and Pork Chop.
(If you think I’m making these numbers up, check out another version of the Bible. I might be making some of the names up, but I wouldn’t mess with the numbers.)
THE WICKEDNESS OF MANKIND
There were many beautiful girls being born (remember the comeliness of Even, the fount of all this reproduction,) and they were scooped up by heavenly beings who carried them off somewhere where they could fool around with them. At this time there were beings walking the face of the Earth who were the offspring of mortal women and heavenly beings, whatever or whoever these heavenly beings were. They didn’t carry ID or credit cards-that’s for sure. One can only theorize as to who these heavenly beings were, but they obviously had a taste for nubile Earth girls.
God was absolutely disgusted with all the fornication, masturbation, oral sex, and ménage a trois that was going on, especially since he was never invited to join in the fun, so He decided to wipe out the human race he had created, sparing only NoWay, who had become his favorite drinking buddy and confidante.
NOWAY
God was fed up with the misbehavior of humans. It was like friggin’ Chicago during the days of Capone. Liquor, gambling, drugs, sex, corruption-come to think of it, it was just like virtually everyplace else during every period of history. Makes you wonder if maybe the fault lay in the Creator. Oh well, ours is not to question. Anyway, there was one geek who was a goody-two-shoes and never did anything bad. This guy was B-O-R-I-N-G, but God thought he was the cat’s meow. His name was NoWay.
God told NoWay that he was going to send a giant flood to destroy mankind, womankind, childkind and animalkind, and that NoWay should get to work on a cruise ship big enough to house NoWay’s immediate and extended family, and a bunch of animals.
God said, “Make sure you take a male and female of every type of animal, because you might be on the boat for a long time, and nothing spoils the tranquility of a cruise like a bunch of big, horny animals running up and down the decks looking for something to copulate with.”
NoWay asked, “Every animal, Lord?”
God replied, “ Well, I suppose you could leave the mosquitoes, ticks, fleas and tsetse flies behind.”
NoWay said, “You know you can count on me, Captain (this was his nickname for the Big Kahuna) but I don’t know shit from shinola when it comes to carpentry. Couldn’t you get Jesus to build the ship? After all, he’s a carpenter.”
God was annoyed by this stupid question, and responded peevishly, “You idiot! Don’t you see how anachronistic that is? Jesus doesn’t come till the New Testament. Are you trying to rewrite history?”
“Of course, forgive me the faux pas. What was I thinking? I’ll give it my best shot. I just hope I’m able.”
“No way,” responded God. “You can’t be Abel. Cain slew Abel, or is it slawed…let’s see…slay…slew…slawding? Well, he killed him, let’s leave it at that.”
And so NoWay had his wife write invitations to two of every animal and bird, and asked them to RSVP. He didn’t invite any fish because he heard they drank like fish, and he didn’t want any trouble on the ship. Besides, being fish, he figured they would weather the flood just fine. Sure they might get wet, but they weren’t going to drown!
Meanwhile NoWay started putting in some long hours to prepare the vessel that was to save him, his family, and a boatload of animals.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Cain and Abel
CAIN AND ABEL
After much shtupping in an attempt to produce an offspring, Adman and Even wanted to do anything but have sex. What had started out as a pleasurable activity had descended through obligation on down to something to avoid at all costs.
One day Even turned to Adman and said, “Ad, honey, both of us want a baby, but it ain’t happening, and my gynie is so sore that I got to give it a rest. What say we get some medical help?” (Even’s grammar left much to be desired as she hadn’t gone to college.)
So the couple traveled to Philadelphia and visited a Dr. Herman Schumaker, a reproductive specialist, who came from a long line of excellent shoemakers. Dr. Schumaker met several times with Even at a local motel, and nine months later Even gave birth to a son who looked little like Adman, but bore a striking resemblance to Dr. Schumaker (Well, he WAS a reproductive specialist!) She named her son Cain because she couldn’t spell, but mostly called him Sugar. Some time later, she gave birth to another son who was a spitting image of his father, and called him Abel, because she was dyslexic.
Cain became a vegetarian, like Dr. Schumaker, and Abel a voracious carnivore, like his father. Accordingly Cain turned to farming grain, and Abel raised cattle and sheep. On the holiday of Nish G’Tish, celebrating the invention of circumcision, Cain brought an offering to God, as was the custom of the time. He brought some things he had raised himself including corn, rice krispies, hash brownies, a roof, and a ruckus. Abel brought a rack of ribs that he had slaughtered himself, along with a side of cole slaw and some baked beans. God was totally pleased with Abel, but spat on Cain’s offering, and upbraided him, saying, “You cheap son-of-a-bitch! You call this an offering? Your brother brings me barbeque, and the best you can do is cereal?”
Then God turned to Cain and said, “There’s something I want you to do for me, to redeem yourself, if you are able. Ten miles west of Pisha you will find a horned demon with one big eye in the middle of his forehead. I want you to slay this demon, and bring him back to me, and your measly offering will be forgiven.”
“I can’t do that,” said Cain. “I’m not Abel.”
“Don’t put yourself down, young man,” replied God. “Of course you can. Have faith in yourself. I’m sure you’re able.”
“But God,” Cain protested, “I’m Cain, I’m not Abel.”
“Yes you are. Now stop this silliness.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are!”
“I’m not-he’s Abel,” said Cain, pointing to his brother.
“Okay,” said God, turning to the brother. “If Cain’s not able, how about if you do it for him? Do you think you’re able?”
“I know I’m Abel,” responded Abel. “How about if Cain comes with me for moral support.”
“Please yourself,” said God. “Just bring me the demon.”
So the brothers set off towards Pisha. As they got close to the center of the town, there was a horrible smell, as of burnt broccoli, and a frightening noise, like the sound of a really bad, teen, heavy metal garage band. Cain said to his brother, “Why don’t you go first, as you are Abel, and I’ll follow right behind.”
Abel took the lead, and Cain, trailing close behind, grabbed a large salami from his knapsack and hit Abel with a mighty blow on his head, cracking his skull open, and causing the leakage of much cerebrospinal fluid. He then painted a huge eye in the middle of Abel’s forehead, and dragged him back to appease God.
God hardly looked at the “demon,” but instead asked Cain, “Where is your brother?”
“Don’t know,” Cain replied, as he clipped his nails.
“Don’t know? That’s all you have to say? Your brother’s disappeared and all you have to say is ‘don’t know?’”
“Don’t know, sir?” replied Cain.
“NO!” thundered God. “Your brother is missing, and you don’t know where he is?”
At that moment, God turned to the “demon” lying in a heap in the corner, near his wife’s hibiscus plant, and noticed that it looked an awful lot like Abel, but with an eye painted in the middle of its forehead. God could hardly contain his rage.
“You demented pipsqueak…you spawn of Beelzebub…evil little twerp…you have slain your brother! You are placed under a curse and can no longer farm the soil. It has soaked up the blood of your brother, and will no longer produce anything.”
“Not even blood oranges?” queried Cain. “What will I do now for a living? I have no vocational training. I am not certified. I will become a wanderer and when the word gets out about what I have done, surely I will be killed.”
“You are my grandson, and much as you sicken me, I won’t let that happen to you.”
So God put a mark on Cain’s forehead that said, “Do not kill this man. You can torture him if you like, but if you kill him, I will cut your penis off. Signed, God.”
After much shtupping in an attempt to produce an offspring, Adman and Even wanted to do anything but have sex. What had started out as a pleasurable activity had descended through obligation on down to something to avoid at all costs.
One day Even turned to Adman and said, “Ad, honey, both of us want a baby, but it ain’t happening, and my gynie is so sore that I got to give it a rest. What say we get some medical help?” (Even’s grammar left much to be desired as she hadn’t gone to college.)
So the couple traveled to Philadelphia and visited a Dr. Herman Schumaker, a reproductive specialist, who came from a long line of excellent shoemakers. Dr. Schumaker met several times with Even at a local motel, and nine months later Even gave birth to a son who looked little like Adman, but bore a striking resemblance to Dr. Schumaker (Well, he WAS a reproductive specialist!) She named her son Cain because she couldn’t spell, but mostly called him Sugar. Some time later, she gave birth to another son who was a spitting image of his father, and called him Abel, because she was dyslexic.
Cain became a vegetarian, like Dr. Schumaker, and Abel a voracious carnivore, like his father. Accordingly Cain turned to farming grain, and Abel raised cattle and sheep. On the holiday of Nish G’Tish, celebrating the invention of circumcision, Cain brought an offering to God, as was the custom of the time. He brought some things he had raised himself including corn, rice krispies, hash brownies, a roof, and a ruckus. Abel brought a rack of ribs that he had slaughtered himself, along with a side of cole slaw and some baked beans. God was totally pleased with Abel, but spat on Cain’s offering, and upbraided him, saying, “You cheap son-of-a-bitch! You call this an offering? Your brother brings me barbeque, and the best you can do is cereal?”
Then God turned to Cain and said, “There’s something I want you to do for me, to redeem yourself, if you are able. Ten miles west of Pisha you will find a horned demon with one big eye in the middle of his forehead. I want you to slay this demon, and bring him back to me, and your measly offering will be forgiven.”
“I can’t do that,” said Cain. “I’m not Abel.”
“Don’t put yourself down, young man,” replied God. “Of course you can. Have faith in yourself. I’m sure you’re able.”
“But God,” Cain protested, “I’m Cain, I’m not Abel.”
“Yes you are. Now stop this silliness.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are!”
“I’m not-he’s Abel,” said Cain, pointing to his brother.
“Okay,” said God, turning to the brother. “If Cain’s not able, how about if you do it for him? Do you think you’re able?”
“I know I’m Abel,” responded Abel. “How about if Cain comes with me for moral support.”
“Please yourself,” said God. “Just bring me the demon.”
So the brothers set off towards Pisha. As they got close to the center of the town, there was a horrible smell, as of burnt broccoli, and a frightening noise, like the sound of a really bad, teen, heavy metal garage band. Cain said to his brother, “Why don’t you go first, as you are Abel, and I’ll follow right behind.”
Abel took the lead, and Cain, trailing close behind, grabbed a large salami from his knapsack and hit Abel with a mighty blow on his head, cracking his skull open, and causing the leakage of much cerebrospinal fluid. He then painted a huge eye in the middle of Abel’s forehead, and dragged him back to appease God.
God hardly looked at the “demon,” but instead asked Cain, “Where is your brother?”
“Don’t know,” Cain replied, as he clipped his nails.
“Don’t know? That’s all you have to say? Your brother’s disappeared and all you have to say is ‘don’t know?’”
“Don’t know, sir?” replied Cain.
“NO!” thundered God. “Your brother is missing, and you don’t know where he is?”
At that moment, God turned to the “demon” lying in a heap in the corner, near his wife’s hibiscus plant, and noticed that it looked an awful lot like Abel, but with an eye painted in the middle of its forehead. God could hardly contain his rage.
“You demented pipsqueak…you spawn of Beelzebub…evil little twerp…you have slain your brother! You are placed under a curse and can no longer farm the soil. It has soaked up the blood of your brother, and will no longer produce anything.”
“Not even blood oranges?” queried Cain. “What will I do now for a living? I have no vocational training. I am not certified. I will become a wanderer and when the word gets out about what I have done, surely I will be killed.”
“You are my grandson, and much as you sicken me, I won’t let that happen to you.”
So God put a mark on Cain’s forehead that said, “Do not kill this man. You can torture him if you like, but if you kill him, I will cut your penis off. Signed, God.”
Monday, February 16, 2009
God Pronounces Judgment
GOD PRONOUNCES JUDGMENT
God was pissed at Adman and Even, and when he found out about the snake, he added him to his shit list.
God said to the snake, “You thought you were a cunning rascal, and would get away with this little shenanigan, but you’re no match for me, you little pishochs (Yiddish word.) You shall spend the rest of your days in dry, barren Me Forsaken lands or locked up behind glass windows in zoos, where children will come and make faces at you. You will slither across roads and get run over by fast moving eighteen-wheelers, and hunters will make belts and cowboy boots out of you. How do you like them apples? (God really drove the knife in deep with this allusion to apples. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck (no relation to the duck) were to borrow this line centuries later and incorporate it into the movie Good Will Hunting.)
God went to Even and said, “You shameless hussy! Just who do you think you are, Missy? Defying your Master, your Creator! Just wait until you have your first child. I was going to make that a pleasant, memorable experience for you, but now it shall be memorable for the unbearable pain you will suffer. I will make certain that your firstborn is the size of a linebacker, and you will know pain that you cannot even imagine. I will instill in you a love of shoes, but will make sure you have to pay an arm and a leg for those shoes, and that the shoes you love the most will never be available in your size. I will inconvenience you for the rest of your days by making you bleed every month, and have to insert cardboard objects into your private place to stanch the flow. You fucked with the wrong guy, little lady!” (God really used the F-bomb a lot.)
God was most upset with Adman, his firstborn, for whom he held such high expectations. He was hoping that Adman might get an M.B.A. degree from Harvard, and perhaps become CEO of a major corporation. But now God was seeing red and was in a nasty, vindictive mood (Could you tell?)
“Adman, I will not cut your penis off as I threatened, because I need you to propagate, but I will create sexually transmitted diseases, that will cause your penis to burn every time you pee, and to ooze and emit foul and unsightly discharge. You will have to worry constantly about getting one of these STDs, and it will take half the fun out of sex. I will create taxes of all kinds, so that for every dollar you earn you will only get to keep fifty cents. I will make aging a cruel joke, so the longer you live, the more pain will your body give you. Your eyesight and hearing will go, your joints will give out, and you will have to replace them with plastic. You will lose your memory and won’t be able to recognize your own wife. All this and more I visit upon you, you scumbag, for eating that apple!”
(Geez, Louise-all this for taking a bite out of a stinking apple? Imagine what God would have done if Adman had copped a bite of His Amaretto cheesecake in the fridge.)
And with this, God gave Adman and Even twenty minutes to pack up their belongings and booted them forever out of the Garden of Eatin. He set up an electric perimeter fence around the garden, so if they ever tried to sneak back in, they would receive an electric shock powerful enough to send them flying ten feet backwards on their respective asses.
God was not a patient kind of guy, and he didn’t cope well when his wishes were defied. He wanted to send a clear signal to Adman and Even that anyone who messed up would be dealt with swiftly and harshly, and wanted them to spread this message far and wide.
God was pissed at Adman and Even, and when he found out about the snake, he added him to his shit list.
God said to the snake, “You thought you were a cunning rascal, and would get away with this little shenanigan, but you’re no match for me, you little pishochs (Yiddish word.) You shall spend the rest of your days in dry, barren Me Forsaken lands or locked up behind glass windows in zoos, where children will come and make faces at you. You will slither across roads and get run over by fast moving eighteen-wheelers, and hunters will make belts and cowboy boots out of you. How do you like them apples? (God really drove the knife in deep with this allusion to apples. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck (no relation to the duck) were to borrow this line centuries later and incorporate it into the movie Good Will Hunting.)
God went to Even and said, “You shameless hussy! Just who do you think you are, Missy? Defying your Master, your Creator! Just wait until you have your first child. I was going to make that a pleasant, memorable experience for you, but now it shall be memorable for the unbearable pain you will suffer. I will make certain that your firstborn is the size of a linebacker, and you will know pain that you cannot even imagine. I will instill in you a love of shoes, but will make sure you have to pay an arm and a leg for those shoes, and that the shoes you love the most will never be available in your size. I will inconvenience you for the rest of your days by making you bleed every month, and have to insert cardboard objects into your private place to stanch the flow. You fucked with the wrong guy, little lady!” (God really used the F-bomb a lot.)
God was most upset with Adman, his firstborn, for whom he held such high expectations. He was hoping that Adman might get an M.B.A. degree from Harvard, and perhaps become CEO of a major corporation. But now God was seeing red and was in a nasty, vindictive mood (Could you tell?)
“Adman, I will not cut your penis off as I threatened, because I need you to propagate, but I will create sexually transmitted diseases, that will cause your penis to burn every time you pee, and to ooze and emit foul and unsightly discharge. You will have to worry constantly about getting one of these STDs, and it will take half the fun out of sex. I will create taxes of all kinds, so that for every dollar you earn you will only get to keep fifty cents. I will make aging a cruel joke, so the longer you live, the more pain will your body give you. Your eyesight and hearing will go, your joints will give out, and you will have to replace them with plastic. You will lose your memory and won’t be able to recognize your own wife. All this and more I visit upon you, you scumbag, for eating that apple!”
(Geez, Louise-all this for taking a bite out of a stinking apple? Imagine what God would have done if Adman had copped a bite of His Amaretto cheesecake in the fridge.)
And with this, God gave Adman and Even twenty minutes to pack up their belongings and booted them forever out of the Garden of Eatin. He set up an electric perimeter fence around the garden, so if they ever tried to sneak back in, they would receive an electric shock powerful enough to send them flying ten feet backwards on their respective asses.
God was not a patient kind of guy, and he didn’t cope well when his wishes were defied. He wanted to send a clear signal to Adman and Even that anyone who messed up would be dealt with swiftly and harshly, and wanted them to spread this message far and wide.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
The Talking Snake
THE TALKING SNAKE
One day Even was catching some rays in the garden, when a snake caught sight of her, and noticing that she had quite the body, slithered up to her, hoping to put some moves on her, or at least get a closer look at the fine looking lady.
“Say baby, you looking mighty fine. You live around here?” asked the snake.
Even, startled, looked around but didn’t see anybody.
“Adman, is that you?”
“No, mama, it’s me…down here…down where your feet are at, sweet momma.”
Even looked down to where the voice seemed to emanate from, but all she saw was a snake.
“Boy, the sun must be getting to me,” she said. “I could have sworn I heard someone talking to me, but there’s no one here but me.”
“I was talking to you, pretty lady…me, the snake.”
“Well, I’ll be!” exclaimed Even, realizing now that in fact the voice was coming from the snake. “A talking snake…will miracles never cease…but how?”
“How is not a relevant question at this juncture, hot momma. How about you and me get to know each other a little better. You mighty fine! You hungry? I happen to have a primo apple here…home grown, organic…want to share it with me?”
Even hadn’t eaten anything but a granola bar for breakfast, and so she accepted the apple.
“Gee, this is so cool. Wait till I tell Adman that I had lunch with a talking snake. He’ll never believe me.”
“Tell me something, hot momma. Did anyone tell you that you shouldn’t eat the fruit from that big tree over there in the middle of the garden?”
“Now that you mention it, Adman did mention something about one tree that God said was off limits. Adman said something really awful would happen if we ate from that tree.”
“Don’t you be believing that nonsense, girl. That God is a trickster. He doesn’t want anyone eating those apples because they’re the tastiest apples in the whole garden, and the dude wants them all for himself. Well I’d best be getting along now. Don’t you be a stranger now, you hear?”
And with that, the snake slithered off, and moments later Adman appeared. Even decided not to mention the snake, for fear that Adman would think her a total ditz, but she did offer him a bite of the delicious apple (Note: It was not a Delicious apple. It was a Granny Smith, but it was delicious.)
Later that evening, Adman heard the voice of God. “Oh Adman, where are you? Don’t try to hide from God. God doesn’t like when you play games with him.”
“I didn’t want you to see me, God, because I was naked and I felt ashamed,” responded Adman.
“How did you know you were naked, Adman?” queried the Lord.
“With all due respect, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out, now does it?”
“Have you eaten from the tree that I told you that you mustn’t ever touch?” God asked, sounding a bit peevish and accusatory.
“Hell no,” said Adman. “Not after you told me what you’d do to me if I did. No way, Jose!”
“Adman, God doesn’t like it when you lie to Him. I made you in My image, and I don’t lie. Neither should you. You have fucked up big time, Adman, and now you must pay for your transgression.”
One day Even was catching some rays in the garden, when a snake caught sight of her, and noticing that she had quite the body, slithered up to her, hoping to put some moves on her, or at least get a closer look at the fine looking lady.
“Say baby, you looking mighty fine. You live around here?” asked the snake.
Even, startled, looked around but didn’t see anybody.
“Adman, is that you?”
“No, mama, it’s me…down here…down where your feet are at, sweet momma.”
Even looked down to where the voice seemed to emanate from, but all she saw was a snake.
“Boy, the sun must be getting to me,” she said. “I could have sworn I heard someone talking to me, but there’s no one here but me.”
“I was talking to you, pretty lady…me, the snake.”
“Well, I’ll be!” exclaimed Even, realizing now that in fact the voice was coming from the snake. “A talking snake…will miracles never cease…but how?”
“How is not a relevant question at this juncture, hot momma. How about you and me get to know each other a little better. You mighty fine! You hungry? I happen to have a primo apple here…home grown, organic…want to share it with me?”
Even hadn’t eaten anything but a granola bar for breakfast, and so she accepted the apple.
“Gee, this is so cool. Wait till I tell Adman that I had lunch with a talking snake. He’ll never believe me.”
“Tell me something, hot momma. Did anyone tell you that you shouldn’t eat the fruit from that big tree over there in the middle of the garden?”
“Now that you mention it, Adman did mention something about one tree that God said was off limits. Adman said something really awful would happen if we ate from that tree.”
“Don’t you be believing that nonsense, girl. That God is a trickster. He doesn’t want anyone eating those apples because they’re the tastiest apples in the whole garden, and the dude wants them all for himself. Well I’d best be getting along now. Don’t you be a stranger now, you hear?”
And with that, the snake slithered off, and moments later Adman appeared. Even decided not to mention the snake, for fear that Adman would think her a total ditz, but she did offer him a bite of the delicious apple (Note: It was not a Delicious apple. It was a Granny Smith, but it was delicious.)
Later that evening, Adman heard the voice of God. “Oh Adman, where are you? Don’t try to hide from God. God doesn’t like when you play games with him.”
“I didn’t want you to see me, God, because I was naked and I felt ashamed,” responded Adman.
“How did you know you were naked, Adman?” queried the Lord.
“With all due respect, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out, now does it?”
“Have you eaten from the tree that I told you that you mustn’t ever touch?” God asked, sounding a bit peevish and accusatory.
“Hell no,” said Adman. “Not after you told me what you’d do to me if I did. No way, Jose!”
“Adman, God doesn’t like it when you lie to Him. I made you in My image, and I don’t lie. Neither should you. You have fucked up big time, Adman, and now you must pay for your transgression.”
Thursday, February 12, 2009
The Garden of Eatin
THE GARDEN OF EATIN
When the Lord God woke from his nap, he realized that he had left his new creation crumpled up in the corner. This was unlike God as he kept an immaculate place, and this flesh thing sitting in the corner of his den was unappealing to say the least. More important God knew he’d never hear the end of it from the Missus if she returned home and found this ugly mass of non-God flesh sitting in the corner next to her prized hibiscus.
So God made a special place for man and called it Eatin because he planted lots of fruit- bearing trees there. He told his creation, who he called Adman, that he was free to munch on any of the fruit without fear of pesticides, but if he went near the tree that gave knowledge of good and bad, God would cut his penis off. Thus was born the Oedipus complex, which Freud would resurrect centuries later. God liked being Number One, and he didn’t want man to be able to decide on his own what was right and what was wrong, because then he wouldn’t have to consult God, and this troubled God because it would be a loss of power and control. God was freaked by this prospect.
A stream flowed through the garden of Eatin, and divided into four rivers. The first river was called Pish On, and ran through the land of Halavah. The second river was the YeeHaw, and it flowed through the country of Tush. The Tigger flowed through Asserious, and the fourth river was called the Youfraidame.
God kept an eye on his creation and it soon became apparent that something was missing. There were pretty birds to look at, and animals prancing to and fro, but Adman had no one with whom to hang, to talk politics, or to go for a brewski. He was lonely, and of greater import, he was horny.
God said, “I need to create a companion for Adman; someone who will nag him night and day the way the Missus nags me, and teach him the true meaning of misery. That was probably a bad idea to attach that little dick thingy to the front of his body, but I didn’t know what to do with that handful of leftover dirt, and it seemed like such a cute idea at the time. Now he plays with the damn thing all day long, and he’s been getting a little too familiar with the sheep and goats.”
So while the creation was sleeping, God removed one of Adman’s ribs and said, “This will be Adman’s companion.”
When Adman woke the first words out of his mouth were, “OW!…what the fuck?…what happened to my side?”
God heard his words and replied, “Don’t be alarmed, Adman. I did some minor surgery while you slept. I think you will like the result. When it heals there will be just a small scar. Stay off your feet for a couple of days, and pop a couple of these oxycontin. You’ll be fine.”
Then God said, “I have a surprise for you, Adman. There’s someone I want you to meet.”
And God pulled out Adman’s rib from under his robe. The look on Adman’s face was one of bewilderment and disbelief.
“What the hell? Is this some kind of joke?”
“It’s your wife, Adman. Her name is Even, and she shall be your companion.”
“Give me a break! It’s a piece of bone. Not funny, God!”
A look of consternation crossed God’s countenance, as if suddenly realizing he had made a terrible mistake.
“Oh, my goodness,” God said. “Give me a minute. I’ll be right back.”
God retreated behind a eucalyptus tree and pulled out his Bible, which he flipped through until he came to the story of Adman and Even.
“Damn, I knew I forgot something. No wonder Adman was disappointed.”
So God breathed into the bone and said some incantations and fashioned the bone into a woman resembling the glossy pictures he had seen in girly magazines as a teen. He gave her long, lustrous hair, long supple legs, firm hooters, and a hole in front in which man could stick his appendage.
“Now maybe he’ll leave the goats alone,” God observed.
God brought his new creation over to Adman and sheepishly said, “Maaah…..Maaaah… (This is supposed to be a sheep sound-use your imagination, reader.) My apology, Adman. I meant well, but guess I had a senior moment. This is your wife, Even. Even…Adman; Adman…Even.”
God could see from Adman’s protuberance that he was well pleased with Even, and God said, “I’ll leave you two kids alone so you can get to know each other. I need to go clean the toilets before the Missus returns.”
And when Even saw Adman’s excitement, she said, “Is that a mistake?” pointing to his obvious erection.
“No,” Adman said. “It’s a boner.”
“That’s what I said,” replied Even, who was much quicker verbally than Adman, and had realized that Adman hadn’t understood her clever double entendre.
Though Adman totally missed Even’s play on words, nonetheless he was well pleased by his new companion, and quickly forgot both the pain in his side, and the goats with whom he had consorted.
When the Lord God woke from his nap, he realized that he had left his new creation crumpled up in the corner. This was unlike God as he kept an immaculate place, and this flesh thing sitting in the corner of his den was unappealing to say the least. More important God knew he’d never hear the end of it from the Missus if she returned home and found this ugly mass of non-God flesh sitting in the corner next to her prized hibiscus.
So God made a special place for man and called it Eatin because he planted lots of fruit- bearing trees there. He told his creation, who he called Adman, that he was free to munch on any of the fruit without fear of pesticides, but if he went near the tree that gave knowledge of good and bad, God would cut his penis off. Thus was born the Oedipus complex, which Freud would resurrect centuries later. God liked being Number One, and he didn’t want man to be able to decide on his own what was right and what was wrong, because then he wouldn’t have to consult God, and this troubled God because it would be a loss of power and control. God was freaked by this prospect.
A stream flowed through the garden of Eatin, and divided into four rivers. The first river was called Pish On, and ran through the land of Halavah. The second river was the YeeHaw, and it flowed through the country of Tush. The Tigger flowed through Asserious, and the fourth river was called the Youfraidame.
God kept an eye on his creation and it soon became apparent that something was missing. There were pretty birds to look at, and animals prancing to and fro, but Adman had no one with whom to hang, to talk politics, or to go for a brewski. He was lonely, and of greater import, he was horny.
God said, “I need to create a companion for Adman; someone who will nag him night and day the way the Missus nags me, and teach him the true meaning of misery. That was probably a bad idea to attach that little dick thingy to the front of his body, but I didn’t know what to do with that handful of leftover dirt, and it seemed like such a cute idea at the time. Now he plays with the damn thing all day long, and he’s been getting a little too familiar with the sheep and goats.”
So while the creation was sleeping, God removed one of Adman’s ribs and said, “This will be Adman’s companion.”
When Adman woke the first words out of his mouth were, “OW!…what the fuck?…what happened to my side?”
God heard his words and replied, “Don’t be alarmed, Adman. I did some minor surgery while you slept. I think you will like the result. When it heals there will be just a small scar. Stay off your feet for a couple of days, and pop a couple of these oxycontin. You’ll be fine.”
Then God said, “I have a surprise for you, Adman. There’s someone I want you to meet.”
And God pulled out Adman’s rib from under his robe. The look on Adman’s face was one of bewilderment and disbelief.
“What the hell? Is this some kind of joke?”
“It’s your wife, Adman. Her name is Even, and she shall be your companion.”
“Give me a break! It’s a piece of bone. Not funny, God!”
A look of consternation crossed God’s countenance, as if suddenly realizing he had made a terrible mistake.
“Oh, my goodness,” God said. “Give me a minute. I’ll be right back.”
God retreated behind a eucalyptus tree and pulled out his Bible, which he flipped through until he came to the story of Adman and Even.
“Damn, I knew I forgot something. No wonder Adman was disappointed.”
So God breathed into the bone and said some incantations and fashioned the bone into a woman resembling the glossy pictures he had seen in girly magazines as a teen. He gave her long, lustrous hair, long supple legs, firm hooters, and a hole in front in which man could stick his appendage.
“Now maybe he’ll leave the goats alone,” God observed.
God brought his new creation over to Adman and sheepishly said, “Maaah…..Maaaah… (This is supposed to be a sheep sound-use your imagination, reader.) My apology, Adman. I meant well, but guess I had a senior moment. This is your wife, Even. Even…Adman; Adman…Even.”
God could see from Adman’s protuberance that he was well pleased with Even, and God said, “I’ll leave you two kids alone so you can get to know each other. I need to go clean the toilets before the Missus returns.”
And when Even saw Adman’s excitement, she said, “Is that a mistake?” pointing to his obvious erection.
“No,” Adman said. “It’s a boner.”
“That’s what I said,” replied Even, who was much quicker verbally than Adman, and had realized that Adman hadn’t understood her clever double entendre.
Though Adman totally missed Even’s play on words, nonetheless he was well pleased by his new companion, and quickly forgot both the pain in his side, and the goats with whom he had consorted.
Friday, February 6, 2009
THE BAH BULL
THE ONE
THE ONLY
THE WHOLLY UNHOLY ADULT VERSION
POLITICALLY INCORRECT
THE BAH BULL
TOTALLY UNEXPURGATED
DIRECT FROM THE MOUTH OF GOD TO THE EAR OF JIM
THE KING JIM VERSION
COMING SOON TO A MOVIE THEATER NEAR YOU!
WARNING
The contents within include but are not limited to: adult language, sexuality, bestiality, infidelity, defecation, masturbation, procrastination, urination, infamy, sacrilegiosity, hilarity, absurdity, fellatio, Pinocchio, quadratic equations, Yiddish words, dirty words, filthy words, disgusting words, and vulgar punctuation.
Some names have been changed to protect the guilty, but the basic story line is God’s honest truth, with some small modifications, elaborations, deletions, additions, transfigurations, explanations, obfuscations, and pornifications.
GENESIS
THE STORY OF CREATION
In the beginning God created the beginning, because He needed someplace to start, and He realized he couldn’t just jump in in the middle, because then skeptics would ask “Yeah, but who created what was there in the beginning before God came along?” Being prescient and having big time psychic powers, God copyrighted the idea of the beginning, so that no one else could come along later with a cadre of high-paid shyster lawyers and lay claim to being the forerunner of God. Not that God was petty, mind you-he just didn’t like the idea of anyone else, god or human, stealing His thunder.
It was very dark in the beginning, and God said “Holy shit…I can’t see a fucking thing around here!”
And so God sat down and contemplated what to do about this situation. And then, as if a light bulb went on, he said, “Bright…shine…that’s it… sounds like…chite….no, dight….light….YES…that’s the word I was looking for. YES! LIGHT!
Damn, I’m good!”
And then an inner voice spoke unto him, and said, “No, schmuck, you’re not GOOD… you’re GOD.” And God answered, “Whatever!”
So God created General Electric fluorescent light bulbs, and said, “There, that’s better...now I can see where the hell I’m going.”
And God said to the light bulbs, “Go forth and multiply, but no dividing yet.”
And the light bulbs went forth and screwed themselves silly into any available sockets. And pretty soon, there was light everywhere.
And God said, “Damn, that light is ugly! Might work for a corporate office setting, but not in the forests and other cool places.”
(God was thinking out loud, because at this time there were no forests, and the corporate office building was only a concept in the back of the mind of God.)
And God said, “You know…if I was more ambitious, I would get rid of these lights and come up with something more aesthetic, but I have a shitload of stuff to do, and only seven days to get it done before The Missus comes back.” (This is something that has been left out of every version of the Bible, but in the original Bible, the one upon which this version is based, there is mention of The Missus, also referred to as The Little Lady and The Wife.)
“I’ll let The Little Lady deal with the lights herself if she doesn’t like them.”
Then God separated the Light from the Dark, and said, “I probably shouldn’t throw the light and the dark together in the same wash, or The Little Lady will have a fit.”
God called the Light Light, and the Dark he called Dark. He wanted to keep things simple, and saw no need to confuse the situation by calling the Light by some other name, like Day.
(Again most versions of the Bible say God called the Light Day and the Dark Night, but this is only to make God appear more imaginative and less banal than he actually was.)
And the Dark passed, and the Light came-that was the first day.
And God woke up, and said, “Okay, Big Guy, what you gonna do today?”
Since God had not yet created golf or movies, there wasn’t a whole lot available in the way of entertainment, so he decided to do some arranging.
“I think I’ll put a roof over the water, just in case it rains, “said God, and created a roof and called it Sky.
And the light and the dark came and went, and that was the second day.
God looked around and saw that there was water everywhere. No biggie for him, as he could walk on water, and was a fantastic swimmer, but where would normal mortals live? God hadn’t created man yet, but he was toying with the idea, as he was very lonely and quite bored. He could have given man gills, but then he would have had to come up with another plan for fish, and he didn’t want to have to work that hard.
So God said, “Let there be land.”
And nothing happened. God repeated in a louder voice this time, “I said, let there be land!”
Again nothing. “So much for the magic.” God shrugged, and set about to create land. He called the land Earth, not for any good reason, but because he meant to call it Heart, and he was dyslexic.
And God looked at the earth he had just created, and said, “BORING!”
And so God decided to spruce it up by planting plants of all kinds. Plants that produced food, plants that were pretty to look at, plants that would burn your skin if you touched them, plants with sharp stickers that would impale you and hurt like the dickens. You get the picture. God had a mean streak, and you didn’t want to cross him. God was pleased with what he saw, and dark and light came and went, and that was the third day.
And on the morning of the fourth day God woke and said to himself, (well, who else was there to talk to? DUH!) “I’d better haul ass. It’s already Day Four, and The Little Lady will be home before you know it.”
God looked at the Sky, and it was dark, and God said, “It could use some light, but not those cheesy fluorescent things.”
So God yanked out thousands of the plants he had just planted the day before, set them on fire, and said, “I wish I had thought of this before I wasted my time planting all these damn things yesterday.”
(Yeah, I know…you’re asking what did God use to start a fire with. You’re not supposed to ask logical questions. God is beyond questioning. He’s the Big Kahuna. If God wants to start a fire, he’ll find a way. Don’t you be worrying your pretty little head over this. Maybe he rubbed sticks together. Okay, you feel better now?)
When the fire got real big, God tossed it into the Sky and called it Son, because he produced it, and he wanted a bright light in the Sky that would remind him of himself. And he admired his work and said, “Dig that, the Son of God.”
And the dark came, and God said, “Damn, where’s that Son of mine gone to now?”
And God called out, “Oh Son, peekaboo, I don’t see you,” but there was no answer, and God was pretty steamed. It was also very dark, so God took some cottage cheese and made a big ball, and tossed it high into the dark sky and called it Moon. And God threw lots of little pieces of cottage cheese up into the sky and called them Stars. And God’s shoulders and arms were very sore from all this throwing, and he said, “Ouch, I think I have tennis elbow. I should have spread all that throwing out over two days, but a God’s gotta do what a God’s gotta do.”
And this was the fourth day. And God crashed.
The next morning God consulted his to-do list, and saw that he needed to put something in the water and in the sky. So God created creatures to swim in the sea, and called them Fish. And God said, “Go multiply, and pee anywhere you like. No one will know the difference.”
God forgot about Number Two, and pretty soon the fish were not only multiplying, they were forming schools to study quantum mechanics and organic chemistry, and they were fouling the waters with their waste products.
And God said, “I have to remember to tell man not to drink water-fish fuck in it.” (WC Fields was to steal this line many centuries later.)
And God made all kinds of good-tasting fish; some that would taste better broiled, some that would be delightful when poached, some that would need pan-broiling and some that you could throw live into a boiling pot of water.
And God said, “ Poor little stupid fish. You will be victims of man, who will tempt you with worms and flies, and then yank you out of the water with a hook in your mouth, beat you senseless, and burn you over a fire.”
But God wasn’t a total sadist. He gave the fish tiny little brains so they wouldn’t understand what was happening to them.
Realizing that not everyone would live near the water, or enjoy fish all that much, God decided to put some different kind of creature in the sky. So he collected some feathers and glued them onto an empty eggshell and called it Bird. God made a whole collection of these, painting them all sorts of bright colors, and after icing his shoulders and downing a couple of Ibuprofen, tossed them all into the sky, and said “Fly away, and go multiply, birdies, but only do so with your own kind. Do you understand? If I hear of a robin bonking an eagle, or a hawk shacking up with a cockatoo, you guys are gonna find out just how unpleasant a pissed off God can be.”
And God said, “I’ve had it,” and settled in with a gin and tonic and a hot water bottle. And the fifth day came and went.
On the morning of the sixth day God awoke and said, “God, am I ever sore! I could really use a good massage.”
But God realized there was no one who could give him a massage, as Missus God was away, and even if she were around, her delicate little hands were hardly strong enough to do the trick for The Almighty, who needed someone who could knead him with a pair of really gigundous mitts.
God reflected on where things were at, and said, “I’m getting close. If I can get this project done in the next two days, I can turn it over to man, and kick back for the next couple of millennia. It’s still feeling a little bleak. I think I need some creatures here on the Earth.”
So God set about creating animals of all sizes and shapes, and gave them names like armadillo, aardvark, porcupine, buffalo, bison, and rhinoceros. He made Dinah sore, brontosaurus, stegosaurus, George Soros, and Tyrone a saurus rex. He made bear and deer, and tigers and lions, and squirrels and ferrets, and monkeys and gibbons, handkies and pasta and cornflakes and ribbons. God was on a manic tear, and he was making up silly jokes and singing silly songs.
“What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?” God shouted out to the heavens, and answering his own question, shot back, “You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo,” and then laughed so hard he peed all over his robe. (Note that this side of God is seldom alluded to in traditional versions of the Bible, where God is portrayed as Yahweh, a vengeful and stern God.
All of the passages dealing with God’s practical jokes and card tricks were expurgated by the Church, which feared that if the people saw God as a jokester, no one would take him seriously.)
After running out of names for the different animals God called it quits, and said, “I command all of you to hook up with your own kind and make lots of babies. Be careful-it’s a jungle out there and you’re on your own now. Someone bigger and stronger than you is probably gonna try to eat you, so keep on your toes. He who snoozes loses. (God loved this line.) Tomorrow I’m gonna make man, and he’s gonna be a mean son-of-a-bitch, made in my own image. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I can throw him. He’s not gonna be as big as a lot of you guys, but I’m gonna give him a really big brain, so he can figure out how to make tools that he can use to hunt you down and mess you up.”
And the light and the dark came and went, and it was the sixth day.
On the morning of the seventh day, God woke with a start, and realized that something was wrong. This was supposed to be the day he rested, but he had forgotten to make man.
So God added another day to the week, but also called it the sixth day, saying, “Hey, sue me. I may be God, but I’m not Superman. Six days just isn’t enough time to get the deal done. I’m going to exert my option to sneak in an extra day here, and I’m just gonna call it day six. If ya don’t like it, then fire my ass.”
And so God picked up a handful of dirt and made man. He gave him two legs and made him stand upright, so that mankind would be able to form neat, compact lines when waiting to buy tickets for athletic events and the theater. God said to man, “I have created you in my image. Of course you are not nearly as handsome as I am, nor do you have the great six-pack abs that I have, but you’ll do. I grant you dominion over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and the land animalia, large and small, but watch your ass, because some of these mothers are big enough to eat you in one gulp. Hang loose bros, and remember who made you. Don’t go getting too uppity, cause I’ll come down there and visit pestilence and plagues upon you if you fuck with me. You don’t even know what those are, because they’re still on the drawing board, but trust me, Jack, they’ll make waterboarding seem like a stroll in the park.”
And with that, God lay down, closed his eyes, and took a well-deserved nap.
THE ONLY
THE WHOLLY UNHOLY ADULT VERSION
POLITICALLY INCORRECT
THE BAH BULL
TOTALLY UNEXPURGATED
DIRECT FROM THE MOUTH OF GOD TO THE EAR OF JIM
THE KING JIM VERSION
COMING SOON TO A MOVIE THEATER NEAR YOU!
WARNING
The contents within include but are not limited to: adult language, sexuality, bestiality, infidelity, defecation, masturbation, procrastination, urination, infamy, sacrilegiosity, hilarity, absurdity, fellatio, Pinocchio, quadratic equations, Yiddish words, dirty words, filthy words, disgusting words, and vulgar punctuation.
Some names have been changed to protect the guilty, but the basic story line is God’s honest truth, with some small modifications, elaborations, deletions, additions, transfigurations, explanations, obfuscations, and pornifications.
GENESIS
THE STORY OF CREATION
In the beginning God created the beginning, because He needed someplace to start, and He realized he couldn’t just jump in in the middle, because then skeptics would ask “Yeah, but who created what was there in the beginning before God came along?” Being prescient and having big time psychic powers, God copyrighted the idea of the beginning, so that no one else could come along later with a cadre of high-paid shyster lawyers and lay claim to being the forerunner of God. Not that God was petty, mind you-he just didn’t like the idea of anyone else, god or human, stealing His thunder.
It was very dark in the beginning, and God said “Holy shit…I can’t see a fucking thing around here!”
And so God sat down and contemplated what to do about this situation. And then, as if a light bulb went on, he said, “Bright…shine…that’s it… sounds like…chite….no, dight….light….YES…that’s the word I was looking for. YES! LIGHT!
Damn, I’m good!”
And then an inner voice spoke unto him, and said, “No, schmuck, you’re not GOOD… you’re GOD.” And God answered, “Whatever!”
So God created General Electric fluorescent light bulbs, and said, “There, that’s better...now I can see where the hell I’m going.”
And God said to the light bulbs, “Go forth and multiply, but no dividing yet.”
And the light bulbs went forth and screwed themselves silly into any available sockets. And pretty soon, there was light everywhere.
And God said, “Damn, that light is ugly! Might work for a corporate office setting, but not in the forests and other cool places.”
(God was thinking out loud, because at this time there were no forests, and the corporate office building was only a concept in the back of the mind of God.)
And God said, “You know…if I was more ambitious, I would get rid of these lights and come up with something more aesthetic, but I have a shitload of stuff to do, and only seven days to get it done before The Missus comes back.” (This is something that has been left out of every version of the Bible, but in the original Bible, the one upon which this version is based, there is mention of The Missus, also referred to as The Little Lady and The Wife.)
“I’ll let The Little Lady deal with the lights herself if she doesn’t like them.”
Then God separated the Light from the Dark, and said, “I probably shouldn’t throw the light and the dark together in the same wash, or The Little Lady will have a fit.”
God called the Light Light, and the Dark he called Dark. He wanted to keep things simple, and saw no need to confuse the situation by calling the Light by some other name, like Day.
(Again most versions of the Bible say God called the Light Day and the Dark Night, but this is only to make God appear more imaginative and less banal than he actually was.)
And the Dark passed, and the Light came-that was the first day.
And God woke up, and said, “Okay, Big Guy, what you gonna do today?”
Since God had not yet created golf or movies, there wasn’t a whole lot available in the way of entertainment, so he decided to do some arranging.
“I think I’ll put a roof over the water, just in case it rains, “said God, and created a roof and called it Sky.
And the light and the dark came and went, and that was the second day.
God looked around and saw that there was water everywhere. No biggie for him, as he could walk on water, and was a fantastic swimmer, but where would normal mortals live? God hadn’t created man yet, but he was toying with the idea, as he was very lonely and quite bored. He could have given man gills, but then he would have had to come up with another plan for fish, and he didn’t want to have to work that hard.
So God said, “Let there be land.”
And nothing happened. God repeated in a louder voice this time, “I said, let there be land!”
Again nothing. “So much for the magic.” God shrugged, and set about to create land. He called the land Earth, not for any good reason, but because he meant to call it Heart, and he was dyslexic.
And God looked at the earth he had just created, and said, “BORING!”
And so God decided to spruce it up by planting plants of all kinds. Plants that produced food, plants that were pretty to look at, plants that would burn your skin if you touched them, plants with sharp stickers that would impale you and hurt like the dickens. You get the picture. God had a mean streak, and you didn’t want to cross him. God was pleased with what he saw, and dark and light came and went, and that was the third day.
And on the morning of the fourth day God woke and said to himself, (well, who else was there to talk to? DUH!) “I’d better haul ass. It’s already Day Four, and The Little Lady will be home before you know it.”
God looked at the Sky, and it was dark, and God said, “It could use some light, but not those cheesy fluorescent things.”
So God yanked out thousands of the plants he had just planted the day before, set them on fire, and said, “I wish I had thought of this before I wasted my time planting all these damn things yesterday.”
(Yeah, I know…you’re asking what did God use to start a fire with. You’re not supposed to ask logical questions. God is beyond questioning. He’s the Big Kahuna. If God wants to start a fire, he’ll find a way. Don’t you be worrying your pretty little head over this. Maybe he rubbed sticks together. Okay, you feel better now?)
When the fire got real big, God tossed it into the Sky and called it Son, because he produced it, and he wanted a bright light in the Sky that would remind him of himself. And he admired his work and said, “Dig that, the Son of God.”
And the dark came, and God said, “Damn, where’s that Son of mine gone to now?”
And God called out, “Oh Son, peekaboo, I don’t see you,” but there was no answer, and God was pretty steamed. It was also very dark, so God took some cottage cheese and made a big ball, and tossed it high into the dark sky and called it Moon. And God threw lots of little pieces of cottage cheese up into the sky and called them Stars. And God’s shoulders and arms were very sore from all this throwing, and he said, “Ouch, I think I have tennis elbow. I should have spread all that throwing out over two days, but a God’s gotta do what a God’s gotta do.”
And this was the fourth day. And God crashed.
The next morning God consulted his to-do list, and saw that he needed to put something in the water and in the sky. So God created creatures to swim in the sea, and called them Fish. And God said, “Go multiply, and pee anywhere you like. No one will know the difference.”
God forgot about Number Two, and pretty soon the fish were not only multiplying, they were forming schools to study quantum mechanics and organic chemistry, and they were fouling the waters with their waste products.
And God said, “I have to remember to tell man not to drink water-fish fuck in it.” (WC Fields was to steal this line many centuries later.)
And God made all kinds of good-tasting fish; some that would taste better broiled, some that would be delightful when poached, some that would need pan-broiling and some that you could throw live into a boiling pot of water.
And God said, “ Poor little stupid fish. You will be victims of man, who will tempt you with worms and flies, and then yank you out of the water with a hook in your mouth, beat you senseless, and burn you over a fire.”
But God wasn’t a total sadist. He gave the fish tiny little brains so they wouldn’t understand what was happening to them.
Realizing that not everyone would live near the water, or enjoy fish all that much, God decided to put some different kind of creature in the sky. So he collected some feathers and glued them onto an empty eggshell and called it Bird. God made a whole collection of these, painting them all sorts of bright colors, and after icing his shoulders and downing a couple of Ibuprofen, tossed them all into the sky, and said “Fly away, and go multiply, birdies, but only do so with your own kind. Do you understand? If I hear of a robin bonking an eagle, or a hawk shacking up with a cockatoo, you guys are gonna find out just how unpleasant a pissed off God can be.”
And God said, “I’ve had it,” and settled in with a gin and tonic and a hot water bottle. And the fifth day came and went.
On the morning of the sixth day God awoke and said, “God, am I ever sore! I could really use a good massage.”
But God realized there was no one who could give him a massage, as Missus God was away, and even if she were around, her delicate little hands were hardly strong enough to do the trick for The Almighty, who needed someone who could knead him with a pair of really gigundous mitts.
God reflected on where things were at, and said, “I’m getting close. If I can get this project done in the next two days, I can turn it over to man, and kick back for the next couple of millennia. It’s still feeling a little bleak. I think I need some creatures here on the Earth.”
So God set about creating animals of all sizes and shapes, and gave them names like armadillo, aardvark, porcupine, buffalo, bison, and rhinoceros. He made Dinah sore, brontosaurus, stegosaurus, George Soros, and Tyrone a saurus rex. He made bear and deer, and tigers and lions, and squirrels and ferrets, and monkeys and gibbons, handkies and pasta and cornflakes and ribbons. God was on a manic tear, and he was making up silly jokes and singing silly songs.
“What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?” God shouted out to the heavens, and answering his own question, shot back, “You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo,” and then laughed so hard he peed all over his robe. (Note that this side of God is seldom alluded to in traditional versions of the Bible, where God is portrayed as Yahweh, a vengeful and stern God.
All of the passages dealing with God’s practical jokes and card tricks were expurgated by the Church, which feared that if the people saw God as a jokester, no one would take him seriously.)
After running out of names for the different animals God called it quits, and said, “I command all of you to hook up with your own kind and make lots of babies. Be careful-it’s a jungle out there and you’re on your own now. Someone bigger and stronger than you is probably gonna try to eat you, so keep on your toes. He who snoozes loses. (God loved this line.) Tomorrow I’m gonna make man, and he’s gonna be a mean son-of-a-bitch, made in my own image. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I can throw him. He’s not gonna be as big as a lot of you guys, but I’m gonna give him a really big brain, so he can figure out how to make tools that he can use to hunt you down and mess you up.”
And the light and the dark came and went, and it was the sixth day.
On the morning of the seventh day, God woke with a start, and realized that something was wrong. This was supposed to be the day he rested, but he had forgotten to make man.
So God added another day to the week, but also called it the sixth day, saying, “Hey, sue me. I may be God, but I’m not Superman. Six days just isn’t enough time to get the deal done. I’m going to exert my option to sneak in an extra day here, and I’m just gonna call it day six. If ya don’t like it, then fire my ass.”
And so God picked up a handful of dirt and made man. He gave him two legs and made him stand upright, so that mankind would be able to form neat, compact lines when waiting to buy tickets for athletic events and the theater. God said to man, “I have created you in my image. Of course you are not nearly as handsome as I am, nor do you have the great six-pack abs that I have, but you’ll do. I grant you dominion over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and the land animalia, large and small, but watch your ass, because some of these mothers are big enough to eat you in one gulp. Hang loose bros, and remember who made you. Don’t go getting too uppity, cause I’ll come down there and visit pestilence and plagues upon you if you fuck with me. You don’t even know what those are, because they’re still on the drawing board, but trust me, Jack, they’ll make waterboarding seem like a stroll in the park.”
And with that, God lay down, closed his eyes, and took a well-deserved nap.
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