THE CHILDREN BORN TO JACKUP
The Lord saw that Leah was treated poorly by Jackup because he didn’t love her, so being the swell God that he was, made Leah pregnant, while not allowing Rachel to bear a child. (One can certainly not accuse this God of not having a well-developed sense of irony.)
Leah was the first woman to believe that having a child would make her husband love her, though certainly not the last. She named the child Reuben. Little did she know that centuries later, her son would be the namesake of a delicious delicatessen sandwich.
Jackup continued to favor Rachel, and so God caused Leah to become pregnant again, this time with a son named Simian, who had apelike features. When Jackup continued to ignore Leah, God sent another baby, this one named Levi, who would grow up to make a killing in men’s pants. Not liking odd numbers, the Lord sent her one more son, this one named YouDere.
Meanwhile Rachel’s womb lay barren. It was a womb with a view but there were no residents to enjoy the view. Rachel was in a foul mood. She was drinking more than was proper for a lady, smoking heavily, and lashing out at everyone.
“Give me a baby, you bastard,” she said to Jackup, or I will kill myself and the blood will be on your hands.”
This angered Jackup who responded in kind, “What do you think I am, a baby-making machine? Obviously I’m playing with live ammunition, woman. Why are you blaming me for your predicament? You don’t hear your big sister complaining, do you?”
Much as she hated to admit it, Rachel knew Jackup was right in his assessment of the situation. So she did what seemed to be going around at that time. She had her slave girl Billher sleep with Jackup. Jackup wasn’t about to complain about this, as Billher was a saucy tart who loved sucking cock. Billher was fertile as could be, and soon Rachel had a baby, without even having to spoil her figure or go through labor. She named the baby Dandruff.
Though Rachel was just looking for one child, Jackup had such a good time with Billher that soon she was pregnant again, and this baby was named Natalie, an unusual choice of names for a male baby.
Meanwhile, Leah realized that her days as a baby machine were over, and so she followed in her sister’s footsteps, and gave her slave girl, Zipper, to Jackup, who couldn’t believe his good fortune, that both his wives were setting him up with hot slave girls. Zipper, not to be outdone by Billher, also got pregnant twice, producing two little boys that she immediately turned over to Leah.
(Have you noticed once again how all the babies being produced around here seem to be males? Also notice that it seemed perfectly okay to use slaves as baby incubators and then simply take the children away from the slaves as if the slaves had no feelings after having carried these babies.)
The babies born to Zipper were named Gad (the full name was probably Gadfly), and Dasher (because he was born in the rain, dear.)
During harvest time, Reuben went out into the fields to gather mandrakes. (I had to look this up. I thought a mandrake was a muffin or a male duck, but it is an herb that was used to aid conception.) Rachel saw the lovely mandrakes that Reuben was giving to Leah, and said to her sister, “Why don’t you be nice for once and give me some of those mandrakes.”
Leah’s hackles went up as she replied, “Isn’t it enough you stole my husband? Now you want my mandrakes? Screw you, bitch.”
Rachel obviously really liked mandrakes because she answered her sister, “Look, give me the mandrakes and you can do the nasty with Jackup tonight.”
Leah was not about to pass up this opportunity, so she parted with the mandrakes, and that night when Jackup returned to the tent, told him, “You’re bedding down with me tonight per Rachel’s wishes.”
Jackup was beginning to feel like a male prostitute.
“Whoa, Nelly! Wait just a minute here. Do I have any say in who I sleep with? Is my winky for hire, or do I get to decide who I have sex with? All right, but let’s get to it. I’m tired and don’t want to stay up till all hours of the night.”
God must have been pulling strings for Leah again, because she got pregnant, and had a son named ItchyCar, and wouldn’t you know it, got pregnant yet again, producing another little boy named ZebuDung.
After having sided so blatantly with Leah, God was feeling a tad guilty, and allowed Rachel to conceive (either that or it was those mandrakes she ate.) Rachel named her boy Joseph, which in Hebrew means “proof that I’m not sterile.”
JACKUP’S BARGAIN WITH BLABON
After twenty long years in Blabon’s service, Jackup decided it was time to return to the land of his fathers, as it was probably safe by now to do so. Blabon wanted to settle up with him, but Jackup insisted that rather than wages he would just take some of the herd that had prospered under his care. Jackup requested that Blabon allow him to take every black lamb and every spotted or bespectacled goat. (This is probably a translation issue. What was probably meant was speckled goat. Don’t you think?)
Son-of-a-bitch that he was, Blabon then removed every black lamb and spotted and bespectacled goat from the herd, and sent them off with one of his sons. When Jackup realized what Blabon had done, he painted the healthiest white lambs black, and put spots and bifocals on the healthiest goats in the herd. Jackup didn’t have a graduate degree, but he was no wet noodle when it came to cunning and manipulation. Jackup also had a little help from his God, who set it up so that every time one of Blabon’s good animals mated it produced offspring that were bespectacled or spotted, so that they too became part of Jackup’s herd. In this way Jackup soon became a wealthy man, i.e. as long as he could find someone willing to accept an animal in payment of a debt.
Jackup arranged for Leah and Rachel to meet him in the fields and told them, “Look kids, your dad has screwed me over big time, and I think I’ve got to hightail it out of here before he discovers what I’ve done to get even. I’m heading back to my dad’s hacienda. You coming with?”
Rachel spoke up. “There’s nothing left to stay for. That cheap piker has written us out of his will. Give me ten minutes to go rip off some shit from his tent.”
With that, Jackup sent Rachel and Leah to the bus station and gave them bus fare, while he drove the herd. It should not be overlooked that God put in a personal appearance to Jackup and gave him direct instructions to get out of Dodge.
BLABON PURSUES JACKUP
When Blabon caught wind of what Jackup had done, he set out with a small army equipped with rocket propelled grenade launchers and the like, to take back his animals and provide Jackup early entrance into the afterlife. God interceded and warned Blabon to keep his mitts off Jackup.
When Blabon caught up with Jackup, who couldn’t move as fast with a herd of hundreds of nearsighted goats, he asked, ”Why did you leave without saying goodbye? I would have thrown a party for you with tambourines and harp.”
“I know,” replied Jackup. “That’s why I didn’t tell you I was leaving. I hate the harp.”
“I do not intend to harm you,” said Blabon, “but I’d like to take back anything you took unjustly from me. Mind if I have a look around?”
“Be my guest,” amswered Jackup, unaware that Rachel had stolen some of Blabon’s gods from his tent.
Blabon searched the tents of Jackup, Leah, and the slave girls and found nothing. When he entered Rachel’s tent, Rachel was sitting on a camelbag in which she had hidden the
gods.
“Forgive me, Blabon, for not standing in your presence. I mean you no disrespect, but it is that time of the month for me, and it would not be a pretty sight if I were to stand up just now.”
Blabon searched the tent but did not find the gods, which at this point were beginning to penetrate Rachel’s rectum, causing much discomfort.
Jackup then lost it and lashed out at Blabon. “Who do you think you are, mister? I knocked myself out for you all these years and made you a wealthy man, and this is what I get back in return? You come into my encampment and search my tents like some SS guard? Fuck you and the camel you rode in on!”
“Boy, that really felt good,” said Jackup to himself. “I’ve been wanting to tell that bastard off for twenty years.”
Monday, April 20, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Hesaw Begs for Isick's Blessing; Isick Sends Jackup to Blabon;Hesaw Takes Yet Another Wife; Jackup's Dream at Bethel;Jackup Serves Blabon
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Hesaw Sells His Rights;Isick Lives at Gerar;Agreement Between Isick and AbbyMelech; Hesaw's Foreign Wives;Isick Blesses Jackup
HESAW SELLS HIS RIGHTS AS THE FIRST-BORN SON
The boys grew up, and Hesaw became a hunter and daddy’s favorite, while Jackup preferred playing with dolls and makeup and was a momma’s boy.
One day Hesaw came in from hunting, and said, “Man, am I hungry. Hey, Jackup, give me some of that bean soup you’re cooking.”
Rebecca was sitting nearby, and piped up. “If you eat any of that bean soup, Hesaw, you’re sleeping outside tonight. We’re not going to have you stinking up the tent like you did the last time you ate beans at night.”
Jackup may not have had the muscles that his brother had, but he could think circles around his somewhat doltish brother, who had the looks of a Neanderthal, and the brains to match.
“You can have some soup if you give me your rights as first-born son,” Jackup told his brother.
“Whatever,” responded Hesaw. “Just give me some of that damn soup. Can’t you see I’m about to pass out from starvation?”
(Hesaw was prone to exaggeration and drama. He had just consumed an elk he had hunted a couple of hours earlier.)
And so for a mere bowl of lentil soup and a piece of pita, Hesaw sold his birthrights to his little brother.
ISICK LIVES AT GERAR
God repeated the same tiresome spiel to Isick about how he was going to give this wonderful barren, stony desert land to Isick’s descendants because God had loved Abraham so much. It’s a good thing that Isick didn’t celebrate Christmas (this holiday wouldn’t come till the New Testament), because God probably would have left a lump of coal in his sock.
Anyway, Isick told King Abby Melech (yeah, the same guy) that Rebecca was his sister, not his wife. (Was this a running joke in this family? Were all these men ashamed of their wives? Or had Isick learned from Abraham that he could barter his wife for some sheep?)
One day Abby was looking out his window, and saw Isick making love with his sister, Rebecca. (You would think they would have gone indoors and made love on a soft bed, but no, they preferred the hard, parched desert floor, with cactus needles piercing their butts.)
“Kinky,” he thought. “They seemed like such straight shooters.”
So Abby questioned Isick the next time he saw him, and Isick spilled the beans.
“What is it with you Jewish guys?” asks the King. “Is this custom among your people to tell everyone that your wife is really your sister? Don’t you realize that one of my horny guards could have raped her, thinking she was your sister? Don’t do that again, bro.”
To make a long story short, Isick was a shrewd businessman, and became very wealthy, engendering much jealousy from his Philistine neighbors, who kept dumping excrement into his wells. Finally Abby Melech confronted Isick, saying, “I think it’s time for you to pack up and get out of here. You’ve become richer than me, and there isn’t room enough for both of us in this town.”
“Richer than I,” responded Isick. “You wouldn’t say, ‘Richer than me am.’ You’d say ‘richer than I am.’”
“Just get out of here before I kick your ass,” said the King, who absolutely hated having his grammar corrected.
THE AGREEMENT BETWEEN ISICK AND ABBY MELECH
Abby Melech traveled to visit Isick one day, along with his army commander, Piehole.
(This may sound familiar, as this is basically a repeat of the visit to Abraham.)
The King oohed and aahed about how God seemed to have favored Isick and his people, and they cut a deal about not making war against each other, and then celebrated as usual by killing animals and having a big barbeque.
HESAW’S FOREIGN WIVES
Hesaw married two Hittite girls, Judith and Bathmat, who made life miserable for their mother and father-in-law.
(Obviously polygamy was acceptable too. What WASN’T allowed? Not getting along with the inlaws also seems to have quite a history.)
ISICK BLESSES JACKUP
Isick was old and had become blind. He called for his son Hesaw.
“Son, you can see that I am old and will soon die.”
“Dad, you’re talking to the goat. I’m over here,” said Hesaw.
“Sorry. Listen, Hesaw, be a good boy and go out and kill some animals for me, and make up some of those tasty kebabs I like so much, and I will give you my blessing before I die.”
Hesaw went off to do his father’s bidding. Rebecca had overheard the conversation and summoned her little momma’s boy. She told Jackup what she had just heard, and told him to go to the corner meat market and buy a goat.
“I’ll cook it up, and you can give it to the old man, and he’ll give you the blessing instead of your brother.”
“But momma,” Jackup replied, “you know how hairy Hesaw is and what big muscles he has. If dad touches me, he’ll know I’m not Hesaw.”
“Oh, stop acting like a little girl for once. Don’t worry about that,” said Rebecca, adjusting Jackup’s glasses, which were askew, making him look like even more of a dork. “Just go get the goat.”
When Jackup returned, she covered him with the skins of animals, and dabbed some of Hesaw’s Essence of Boar cologne on him. He went before his father with the goat meat.
“Father, I have done as you wished. Here is your favorite meat.”
“Which of my sons is this?” asked Isick, talking to the toilet.
“It is I, Hesaw, your favorite, father. I’m over here. You’re talking to the toilet.”
“Sorry about that. You sound so much like Jackup. How did you find the animal so quickly, son?”
“God helped me father. No sooner had I stepped out the door than one of those wild boars crossed my path, and I wrestled him to the ground and gave him an old-fashioned ass whupping.”
“Come here my son, that I might touch you.”
Jackup was afraid that the jig was up, that his father would know it was him, and not Hesaw, but there was nothing to do but approach his father. As he got within a few feet of the old man, Isick exclaimed, “My God, you stink like a wild boar, son. This must be Hesaw. Jackup wears that girly perfume from France.”
And so it happened that Isick unwittingly gave to Jackup the blessing that was intended for Hesaw.
The boys grew up, and Hesaw became a hunter and daddy’s favorite, while Jackup preferred playing with dolls and makeup and was a momma’s boy.
One day Hesaw came in from hunting, and said, “Man, am I hungry. Hey, Jackup, give me some of that bean soup you’re cooking.”
Rebecca was sitting nearby, and piped up. “If you eat any of that bean soup, Hesaw, you’re sleeping outside tonight. We’re not going to have you stinking up the tent like you did the last time you ate beans at night.”
Jackup may not have had the muscles that his brother had, but he could think circles around his somewhat doltish brother, who had the looks of a Neanderthal, and the brains to match.
“You can have some soup if you give me your rights as first-born son,” Jackup told his brother.
“Whatever,” responded Hesaw. “Just give me some of that damn soup. Can’t you see I’m about to pass out from starvation?”
(Hesaw was prone to exaggeration and drama. He had just consumed an elk he had hunted a couple of hours earlier.)
And so for a mere bowl of lentil soup and a piece of pita, Hesaw sold his birthrights to his little brother.
ISICK LIVES AT GERAR
God repeated the same tiresome spiel to Isick about how he was going to give this wonderful barren, stony desert land to Isick’s descendants because God had loved Abraham so much. It’s a good thing that Isick didn’t celebrate Christmas (this holiday wouldn’t come till the New Testament), because God probably would have left a lump of coal in his sock.
Anyway, Isick told King Abby Melech (yeah, the same guy) that Rebecca was his sister, not his wife. (Was this a running joke in this family? Were all these men ashamed of their wives? Or had Isick learned from Abraham that he could barter his wife for some sheep?)
One day Abby was looking out his window, and saw Isick making love with his sister, Rebecca. (You would think they would have gone indoors and made love on a soft bed, but no, they preferred the hard, parched desert floor, with cactus needles piercing their butts.)
“Kinky,” he thought. “They seemed like such straight shooters.”
So Abby questioned Isick the next time he saw him, and Isick spilled the beans.
“What is it with you Jewish guys?” asks the King. “Is this custom among your people to tell everyone that your wife is really your sister? Don’t you realize that one of my horny guards could have raped her, thinking she was your sister? Don’t do that again, bro.”
To make a long story short, Isick was a shrewd businessman, and became very wealthy, engendering much jealousy from his Philistine neighbors, who kept dumping excrement into his wells. Finally Abby Melech confronted Isick, saying, “I think it’s time for you to pack up and get out of here. You’ve become richer than me, and there isn’t room enough for both of us in this town.”
“Richer than I,” responded Isick. “You wouldn’t say, ‘Richer than me am.’ You’d say ‘richer than I am.’”
“Just get out of here before I kick your ass,” said the King, who absolutely hated having his grammar corrected.
THE AGREEMENT BETWEEN ISICK AND ABBY MELECH
Abby Melech traveled to visit Isick one day, along with his army commander, Piehole.
(This may sound familiar, as this is basically a repeat of the visit to Abraham.)
The King oohed and aahed about how God seemed to have favored Isick and his people, and they cut a deal about not making war against each other, and then celebrated as usual by killing animals and having a big barbeque.
HESAW’S FOREIGN WIVES
Hesaw married two Hittite girls, Judith and Bathmat, who made life miserable for their mother and father-in-law.
(Obviously polygamy was acceptable too. What WASN’T allowed? Not getting along with the inlaws also seems to have quite a history.)
ISICK BLESSES JACKUP
Isick was old and had become blind. He called for his son Hesaw.
“Son, you can see that I am old and will soon die.”
“Dad, you’re talking to the goat. I’m over here,” said Hesaw.
“Sorry. Listen, Hesaw, be a good boy and go out and kill some animals for me, and make up some of those tasty kebabs I like so much, and I will give you my blessing before I die.”
Hesaw went off to do his father’s bidding. Rebecca had overheard the conversation and summoned her little momma’s boy. She told Jackup what she had just heard, and told him to go to the corner meat market and buy a goat.
“I’ll cook it up, and you can give it to the old man, and he’ll give you the blessing instead of your brother.”
“But momma,” Jackup replied, “you know how hairy Hesaw is and what big muscles he has. If dad touches me, he’ll know I’m not Hesaw.”
“Oh, stop acting like a little girl for once. Don’t worry about that,” said Rebecca, adjusting Jackup’s glasses, which were askew, making him look like even more of a dork. “Just go get the goat.”
When Jackup returned, she covered him with the skins of animals, and dabbed some of Hesaw’s Essence of Boar cologne on him. He went before his father with the goat meat.
“Father, I have done as you wished. Here is your favorite meat.”
“Which of my sons is this?” asked Isick, talking to the toilet.
“It is I, Hesaw, your favorite, father. I’m over here. You’re talking to the toilet.”
“Sorry about that. You sound so much like Jackup. How did you find the animal so quickly, son?”
“God helped me father. No sooner had I stepped out the door than one of those wild boars crossed my path, and I wrestled him to the ground and gave him an old-fashioned ass whupping.”
“Come here my son, that I might touch you.”
Jackup was afraid that the jig was up, that his father would know it was him, and not Hesaw, but there was nothing to do but approach his father. As he got within a few feet of the old man, Isick exclaimed, “My God, you stink like a wild boar, son. This must be Hesaw. Jackup wears that girly perfume from France.”
And so it happened that Isick unwittingly gave to Jackup the blessing that was intended for Hesaw.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Sarah Dies; A Wife for Isick; Birth of Hesaw and Jackup
SARAH DIES AND ABRAHAM BUYS A BURIAL GROUND
Giving birth in her eighties took its toll on Sarah, not to mention not getting a good night’s sleep for a couple of years. She finally succumbed and passed out while jogging one day. This occurred in the land of the Hittites, and Abraham didn’t want to have to drag the body back to their home town, so he asked around to see if anyone was willing to sell him a plot of land on which he could bury his wife, and perhaps set up a small Jewish cemetery that he might turn into a profitable venture.
A Hittite by the name of Ephron owned some property with a cave on it, which he intended to turn into a tourist attraction/theme restaurant. When he heard that Abraham was looking to buy a patch of land, Ephron offered the land to him. They went back and forth, with Abraham insisting on paying for the land, and Ephron insisting he wouldn’t accept payment, but in the end Abraham prevailed, and so came to own this patch of land that included not only a cave, but also a waterslide park and a miniature golf course still under construction.
A WIFE FOR ISICK
Abraham was getting old and called his servant to him.
“I’m an old altacocka now, and I could buy the farm any time now. I want you to go back to the land of my father, and find a nice Jewish girl for my son Isick. These shicksas around here don’t appreciate a man without a foreskin. Put your hands between my thighs and promise that you will do this for me.”
(I’m not making this stuff up here. If you don’t believe me, check it out in some other Bible. This was the way vows were made.)
The servant did as he was told, putting his hands between Abraham’s thighs.
Abraham’s eyes rolled backward in his head, and his breathing quickened.
“Mmm, does that ever feel good!” he said. “Can you move your hands just a little higher?
Oh yes, that’s the spot. Stay there, will you?” (Abraham was clearly missing Sarah.)
The servant did as he was told, though being a family man, he felt a bit strange about the whole thing.
The next morning, after Abraham had released the servant’s hands from between his thighs, the servant set out on camel to try to find a suitable wife for Isick. He traveled to the town where Abraham’s brother, Nowhere, lived, and inquired as to where women hung out when in the market for a husband.
An old matchmaker told him, “Oh yes, that would be the well in the center of town. All the virgins, divorcees, and widowers go down to the well with the pretense of getting water, but they’re really hoping to hook up. We have no dating service or singles dances in this town, so the well is the best place to be seen.”
The servant went down to the well, and after watering his camel, sat in a corner where he could inconspicuously watch the foot traffic. After a while, he spied an attractive young woman wearing a Star of David around her neck. He sidled up to her as she began to fill her water jar.
“Come here often?” he tossed out as an icebreaker.
“I do,” she replied. “I haven’t seen you around before. Are you new in town?”
The servant was pleased. Things were moving along nicely here. Time to ask her name.
“No, I’m actually from out of town. My name’s Floppo. And you would be…?”
“Rebecca,” she replied, batting her eyelashes coquettishly.
“Not Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm, I presume,” retorted the servant, being perhaps a bit too cute at this point in the conversation.
“Oh, no,” came her reply. “I’m Rebecca, daughter of Bethuel, the son of Abraham’s brother Nowhere and his wife Milkher.
(It seems everyone was related in these parts, leading one to think that incest must have been the order of the day.)
“Can I have a drink of water from your jugs?” asked the servant.
“My jugs have milk in them, silly,” she replied, “but there’s water in those jars over there.
Of course you can have a drink of water,” replied Rebecca, “but whether you may or not is an entirely different matter.”
This grammatical repartee was totally wasted on the servant, who was not an educated man. She could tell from the blank look on his face that he didn’t know what she was talking about, so she moved on.
“Here, take a swig. I’ll go fetch some water for your camel.”
This was the sign that the servant was looking for, as Abraham had instructed him. The right one for Isick would spontaneously offer to satisfy the camel. Abraham thought that any woman who could satisfy a camel would suffice for his Isick. The servant could also tell that Rebecca was a virgin, though it was not at all clear how he could tell this without doing a pelvic exam.
The servant put a ring in Rebecca’s nose which bothered Rebecca to say the least, as she wasn’t pierced anywhere, and didn’t have even a delicate tattoo on her ankle or shoulder.
The servant asked if he could go home with her, and thinking that he might propose to her, Rebecca led him to her home, or more likely he led her by the nose ring.
At her home, after proper introductions were made, the servant told Rebecca’s parents the story of what he was doing at the well, and made sure to let them know how well off Abraham was, and how well endowed his son Isick was.
The servant made it clear that Rebecca would have to travel back with him to dwell in Cannon with Isick. Rebecca wanted to stay a few days with her family before bidding them farewell, but her mother and father pushed her out the door, saying, “Go, Rebecca.
Go. We’ll fix you a little snack, and pack a couple of dresses, and you’ll be set to go. There’s some chopped liver left over from supper last night. Would you like a little chopped liver sandwich on some nice pumpernickel? How about you, servant? A little chopped liver for you, tatskelah?”
It was clear to the servant that as far as the parents were concerned, it was high time that Rebecca left home and stopped mooching off them.
When they reached the town in which Abraham’s family dwelled, Rebecca saw a young man approaching them.
“Who’s the hunk?” she inquired of the servant.
“That’s master Isick,” the servant answered.
It was lust at first sight, and though Isick had never met a girl with a nose ring, that night there were sounds of pleasure arising from Isick’s tent. The noise kept Abraham awake half the night, but he was pleased that his son finally had a partner, with whom he could continue the blood line. From the sounds emanating from the tent, it was clear Isick wasn’t wasting any time in this matter.
THE BIRTH OF HESAW AND JACKUP
Rebecca, the wife of Isick, was not having much luck getting pregnant, despite Isick being a horny bugger, and so Isick asked God for help. God paid a visit to Rebecca, and lo and behold, it was soon obvious to all that Rebecca was with child, though it was not so obvious whether the child was fathered by her husband or by divine intervention. Judging by the sounds coming from her tent that night, it was clear that it was divine for Rebecca, whoever it was.
Rebecca was pregnant with twins, and she could feel them fighting each other even in her womb. It was as if they were warring against each other. She asked God why it felt this way and he answered, “You are carrying two enemies, who will become bitter rivals and hate each others’ guts.”
“Wonderful,” Rebecca replied. “Just what I needed! I knew it was a mistake talking to that Floppo guy at the well.”
Rebecca gave birth to twin sons. (What? Did you expect a girl child?) One had so much hair on his body it looked like he was wearing a mohair sweater. He was named Hesaw, which means “baby wearing a mohair sweater.” The second son was born holding tight to Hesaw’s heel, and so he was named Jackup, which means “he who hangs onto the heel of another.”
Giving birth in her eighties took its toll on Sarah, not to mention not getting a good night’s sleep for a couple of years. She finally succumbed and passed out while jogging one day. This occurred in the land of the Hittites, and Abraham didn’t want to have to drag the body back to their home town, so he asked around to see if anyone was willing to sell him a plot of land on which he could bury his wife, and perhaps set up a small Jewish cemetery that he might turn into a profitable venture.
A Hittite by the name of Ephron owned some property with a cave on it, which he intended to turn into a tourist attraction/theme restaurant. When he heard that Abraham was looking to buy a patch of land, Ephron offered the land to him. They went back and forth, with Abraham insisting on paying for the land, and Ephron insisting he wouldn’t accept payment, but in the end Abraham prevailed, and so came to own this patch of land that included not only a cave, but also a waterslide park and a miniature golf course still under construction.
A WIFE FOR ISICK
Abraham was getting old and called his servant to him.
“I’m an old altacocka now, and I could buy the farm any time now. I want you to go back to the land of my father, and find a nice Jewish girl for my son Isick. These shicksas around here don’t appreciate a man without a foreskin. Put your hands between my thighs and promise that you will do this for me.”
(I’m not making this stuff up here. If you don’t believe me, check it out in some other Bible. This was the way vows were made.)
The servant did as he was told, putting his hands between Abraham’s thighs.
Abraham’s eyes rolled backward in his head, and his breathing quickened.
“Mmm, does that ever feel good!” he said. “Can you move your hands just a little higher?
Oh yes, that’s the spot. Stay there, will you?” (Abraham was clearly missing Sarah.)
The servant did as he was told, though being a family man, he felt a bit strange about the whole thing.
The next morning, after Abraham had released the servant’s hands from between his thighs, the servant set out on camel to try to find a suitable wife for Isick. He traveled to the town where Abraham’s brother, Nowhere, lived, and inquired as to where women hung out when in the market for a husband.
An old matchmaker told him, “Oh yes, that would be the well in the center of town. All the virgins, divorcees, and widowers go down to the well with the pretense of getting water, but they’re really hoping to hook up. We have no dating service or singles dances in this town, so the well is the best place to be seen.”
The servant went down to the well, and after watering his camel, sat in a corner where he could inconspicuously watch the foot traffic. After a while, he spied an attractive young woman wearing a Star of David around her neck. He sidled up to her as she began to fill her water jar.
“Come here often?” he tossed out as an icebreaker.
“I do,” she replied. “I haven’t seen you around before. Are you new in town?”
The servant was pleased. Things were moving along nicely here. Time to ask her name.
“No, I’m actually from out of town. My name’s Floppo. And you would be…?”
“Rebecca,” she replied, batting her eyelashes coquettishly.
“Not Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm, I presume,” retorted the servant, being perhaps a bit too cute at this point in the conversation.
“Oh, no,” came her reply. “I’m Rebecca, daughter of Bethuel, the son of Abraham’s brother Nowhere and his wife Milkher.
(It seems everyone was related in these parts, leading one to think that incest must have been the order of the day.)
“Can I have a drink of water from your jugs?” asked the servant.
“My jugs have milk in them, silly,” she replied, “but there’s water in those jars over there.
Of course you can have a drink of water,” replied Rebecca, “but whether you may or not is an entirely different matter.”
This grammatical repartee was totally wasted on the servant, who was not an educated man. She could tell from the blank look on his face that he didn’t know what she was talking about, so she moved on.
“Here, take a swig. I’ll go fetch some water for your camel.”
This was the sign that the servant was looking for, as Abraham had instructed him. The right one for Isick would spontaneously offer to satisfy the camel. Abraham thought that any woman who could satisfy a camel would suffice for his Isick. The servant could also tell that Rebecca was a virgin, though it was not at all clear how he could tell this without doing a pelvic exam.
The servant put a ring in Rebecca’s nose which bothered Rebecca to say the least, as she wasn’t pierced anywhere, and didn’t have even a delicate tattoo on her ankle or shoulder.
The servant asked if he could go home with her, and thinking that he might propose to her, Rebecca led him to her home, or more likely he led her by the nose ring.
At her home, after proper introductions were made, the servant told Rebecca’s parents the story of what he was doing at the well, and made sure to let them know how well off Abraham was, and how well endowed his son Isick was.
The servant made it clear that Rebecca would have to travel back with him to dwell in Cannon with Isick. Rebecca wanted to stay a few days with her family before bidding them farewell, but her mother and father pushed her out the door, saying, “Go, Rebecca.
Go. We’ll fix you a little snack, and pack a couple of dresses, and you’ll be set to go. There’s some chopped liver left over from supper last night. Would you like a little chopped liver sandwich on some nice pumpernickel? How about you, servant? A little chopped liver for you, tatskelah?”
It was clear to the servant that as far as the parents were concerned, it was high time that Rebecca left home and stopped mooching off them.
When they reached the town in which Abraham’s family dwelled, Rebecca saw a young man approaching them.
“Who’s the hunk?” she inquired of the servant.
“That’s master Isick,” the servant answered.
It was lust at first sight, and though Isick had never met a girl with a nose ring, that night there were sounds of pleasure arising from Isick’s tent. The noise kept Abraham awake half the night, but he was pleased that his son finally had a partner, with whom he could continue the blood line. From the sounds emanating from the tent, it was clear Isick wasn’t wasting any time in this matter.
THE BIRTH OF HESAW AND JACKUP
Rebecca, the wife of Isick, was not having much luck getting pregnant, despite Isick being a horny bugger, and so Isick asked God for help. God paid a visit to Rebecca, and lo and behold, it was soon obvious to all that Rebecca was with child, though it was not so obvious whether the child was fathered by her husband or by divine intervention. Judging by the sounds coming from her tent that night, it was clear that it was divine for Rebecca, whoever it was.
Rebecca was pregnant with twins, and she could feel them fighting each other even in her womb. It was as if they were warring against each other. She asked God why it felt this way and he answered, “You are carrying two enemies, who will become bitter rivals and hate each others’ guts.”
“Wonderful,” Rebecca replied. “Just what I needed! I knew it was a mistake talking to that Floppo guy at the well.”
Rebecca gave birth to twin sons. (What? Did you expect a girl child?) One had so much hair on his body it looked like he was wearing a mohair sweater. He was named Hesaw, which means “baby wearing a mohair sweater.” The second son was born holding tight to Hesaw’s heel, and so he was named Jackup, which means “he who hangs onto the heel of another.”
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Haggard and Inchmeal are Sent Away; The Agreement Between Abraham and Abby Melech; God Commands Abraham to Offer Isick
HAGGARD AND INCHMEAL ARE SENT AWAY
One day Sarah came to Abraham and said, “Honey, I think it would be better if you sent Haggard and Inchmeal away. I’ve watched Inchmeal playing with our little Isick, and I’m concerned that he is going to hurt him.”
Sarah’s unvoiced concern was that Inchmeal would inherit part of Abraham’s business enterprises, and she wanted Isick to have it all for himself, as she had big plans for her firstborn.
So Abraham loaded Haggard up the next morning with some dehydrated foods, forgetting these would be useless in the desert, where there was no water to be found, and several cans of sardines.
Haggard wandered for a while in the area of Beersheba, a town known for its many breweries, and when she ran out of water, sat down and cried, for she feared her young boy would die.
God heard her crying and said, “Enough of that now, Haggard. Even though Abraham might be a lout, you can count on me. I will not let Inchmeal perish, at least not just yet.
Look, over there at two o’clock.”
Haggard looked in that direction, and God chided her, “Two o’clock Haggard! That’s eleven o’clock.”
Haggard meekly replied, “Sorry, Lord,” and there at two o’clock, she saw a well, where none had been before.
“Well ain’t that somethin’,” exclaimed Haggard. “Really, you shouldn’t have. You’re too kind. A flagon of water would have sufficed.”
Haggard didn’t know what a flagon was, but she thought she had heard this word in a movie.
God said, “Give the boy some water now, before he starts convulsing. And don’t worry-I will make a great nation of his descendants.”
Inchmeal lived in the wilderness, where he became a skilled hunter, and when the time was right, Haggard found him a svelte Egyptian dancing girl to be his wife.
THE AGREEMENT BETWEEN ABRAHAM AND ABBY MELECH
Abby Melech showed up one day at Abraham’s place, with his army commander, Piehole.
“Abe, old friend,” he started out.
Abraham knew at once that Abby Melech wanted something from him. The “old friend” was a giveaway. Abe wondered if maybe Abby Melech had changed his mind about Sarah.
“Abe, you seem to have God on your side, and I need you to promise that you won’t mess with me or my descendants. I don’t have a problem with you living here, as long as you pay your taxes, but I don’t want you deciding one day that you need to take over my land, or show up at my palace with an armed force. Capish?”
Abe was puzzled about why Abby Melech was suddenly reverting to Italian, but he let the thought go.
“Okay,” replied Abraham.
“Okay what?” retorted Abby Melech.
“Okay, Abby Melech,” replied Abraham.
Abby Melech knew Abraham well enough to know that he couldn’t give him any wiggle room.
“Say it, Abe. Okay is not enough.”
“Come on, Mel. We both know what I’m saying okay to.”
“No, that’s not good enough, Abraham. Now stop playing games and say the whole thing.”
“Damn you, Abby Melech. Okay, I promise not to mess with you or your descendants. Are you satisfied now?”
Abby Melech kissed Abraham twice on each cheek, a custom of the time of which Abraham was not particularly fond, after which Abraham pulled his pants back up.
Abraham then complained about a well he owned that had been seized by a servant of Abby Melech.
“I did not know of this,” responded the King. “Give me his name, and I shall have his testicles cut off.”
“I don’t know who did it,” replied Abraham. “It will suffice to give me my well back.”
As a gesture of good will, Abraham gave back to Abby Melech a few of the inferior animals that the King had previously given to him, and made a special offering of seven lambs.
The King asked, “What is this for?”
“I know how fond you are of lamb chops and a good rack of lamb,” responded Abraham. “Take these lamb, and grill and enjoy. I would suggest marinating them first with a little olive oil and basil, and serving them with a dry white.”
With that Abby Melech and Piehole headed back to the palace. Abraham dwelt in this land, known as Philistia for some time to come.
GOD COMMANDS ABRAHAM TO OFFER ISICK
Some time later God decided to test Abraham.
“Abraham, how much is twelve times three?”
“Thirty-six, Lord.”
“And the capital of Paraguay?”
“Would that be Managua?”
“Excellent! I thought I could stump you with that one. No one knows the capital of Paraguay.”
“Okay, name the fourteenth element on the Periodic Chart, and give its symbol.”
“Oh man, you would go and pick chemistry. I’m not even going to guess on that one. You got me.”
“Abraham, I want you to take your son, Isick, and carry him to the land of Mariah. There you will find a mountain, and in that place, I want you to sacrifice your son to me.”
Now, in any other story, such a request would have had the crowds howling and demanding the resignation and incarceration of God, but Abraham knew full well what a prick God could be, and so the next morning he loaded a donkey with firewood, packed up his grilling equipment, and set off with little Isick for the place called Mariah. Isick was happy to be missing school and to be spending the day with his daddy.
When they reached the place, Abraham had Isick carry the wood up the mountain, while Abraham brought the coals and a knife.
Isick, a bright and inquisitive lad, despite the hundred-year-old sperm, asked his father, “Daddy, I see the wood and coals, but where is the animal for the sacrifice?”
“You know, sometimes you ask too many questions, Isick. Remember that saying about curiosity killing the cat?”
“Sorry, daddy. I’ll be quiet.”
It broke Abraham’s heart to think that shortly he would be plunging a sharp knife into the body of his beloved son.
“I’m sure we’ll find something to sacrifice that will please God,” said Abraham, while in his heart he was cursing the God who would ask him to sacrifice his own flesh and blood.
When they reached the top of the mountain, Abraham constructed an altar, upon which he laid the wood with the help of his son, and then Abraham bound Isick and placed him atop the kindling.
“Daddy, what are you doing,” asked Isick, his large, dark, innocent eyes looking up at his father, the person he trusted most in the world.
In that moment, Abraham raised the knife over his head, and was about to plunge it into his own child, when he heard a voice call out from the heavens.
“Abraham! Holy shit! WHAT are you doing? What were you thinking? Would you really kill your own son?”
Abraham dropped the knife and fell to his knees and wept.
“Daddy, it’s getting hot. Can you untie me?”
Abraham realized that the fire he had started was beginning to get very hot, and had already singed the sideburns of little Isick.
“Oh, my beautiful boy, of course I’ll untie you,” said Abraham, as he joyfully took his son in his arms and set him on the ground.
For the second time, the voice of an angel spoke to Abraham.
“Because you have shown your willingness to obey a cockamamey command from your Lord, you will be handsomely rewarded. We shall award you three million shekels in punitive damages, and shall provide you with as many descendants as there are old ladies playing slot machines in casinos in Vegas. Your descendantswill earn graduate degrees in many subjects, and will have huge success in the entertainment industry. Though they won’t be known for their excellence in sports, they shall kick the butts of their enemies, of which there will be many, with the support of a powerful ally in whose land many of your descendants will live. Sorry to have put you through this Abe, but it was the only way. Take little Isick and go home now.”
Abraham carried his beautiful boy down the mountain, despite being one hundred years old.
One day Sarah came to Abraham and said, “Honey, I think it would be better if you sent Haggard and Inchmeal away. I’ve watched Inchmeal playing with our little Isick, and I’m concerned that he is going to hurt him.”
Sarah’s unvoiced concern was that Inchmeal would inherit part of Abraham’s business enterprises, and she wanted Isick to have it all for himself, as she had big plans for her firstborn.
So Abraham loaded Haggard up the next morning with some dehydrated foods, forgetting these would be useless in the desert, where there was no water to be found, and several cans of sardines.
Haggard wandered for a while in the area of Beersheba, a town known for its many breweries, and when she ran out of water, sat down and cried, for she feared her young boy would die.
God heard her crying and said, “Enough of that now, Haggard. Even though Abraham might be a lout, you can count on me. I will not let Inchmeal perish, at least not just yet.
Look, over there at two o’clock.”
Haggard looked in that direction, and God chided her, “Two o’clock Haggard! That’s eleven o’clock.”
Haggard meekly replied, “Sorry, Lord,” and there at two o’clock, she saw a well, where none had been before.
“Well ain’t that somethin’,” exclaimed Haggard. “Really, you shouldn’t have. You’re too kind. A flagon of water would have sufficed.”
Haggard didn’t know what a flagon was, but she thought she had heard this word in a movie.
God said, “Give the boy some water now, before he starts convulsing. And don’t worry-I will make a great nation of his descendants.”
Inchmeal lived in the wilderness, where he became a skilled hunter, and when the time was right, Haggard found him a svelte Egyptian dancing girl to be his wife.
THE AGREEMENT BETWEEN ABRAHAM AND ABBY MELECH
Abby Melech showed up one day at Abraham’s place, with his army commander, Piehole.
“Abe, old friend,” he started out.
Abraham knew at once that Abby Melech wanted something from him. The “old friend” was a giveaway. Abe wondered if maybe Abby Melech had changed his mind about Sarah.
“Abe, you seem to have God on your side, and I need you to promise that you won’t mess with me or my descendants. I don’t have a problem with you living here, as long as you pay your taxes, but I don’t want you deciding one day that you need to take over my land, or show up at my palace with an armed force. Capish?”
Abe was puzzled about why Abby Melech was suddenly reverting to Italian, but he let the thought go.
“Okay,” replied Abraham.
“Okay what?” retorted Abby Melech.
“Okay, Abby Melech,” replied Abraham.
Abby Melech knew Abraham well enough to know that he couldn’t give him any wiggle room.
“Say it, Abe. Okay is not enough.”
“Come on, Mel. We both know what I’m saying okay to.”
“No, that’s not good enough, Abraham. Now stop playing games and say the whole thing.”
“Damn you, Abby Melech. Okay, I promise not to mess with you or your descendants. Are you satisfied now?”
Abby Melech kissed Abraham twice on each cheek, a custom of the time of which Abraham was not particularly fond, after which Abraham pulled his pants back up.
Abraham then complained about a well he owned that had been seized by a servant of Abby Melech.
“I did not know of this,” responded the King. “Give me his name, and I shall have his testicles cut off.”
“I don’t know who did it,” replied Abraham. “It will suffice to give me my well back.”
As a gesture of good will, Abraham gave back to Abby Melech a few of the inferior animals that the King had previously given to him, and made a special offering of seven lambs.
The King asked, “What is this for?”
“I know how fond you are of lamb chops and a good rack of lamb,” responded Abraham. “Take these lamb, and grill and enjoy. I would suggest marinating them first with a little olive oil and basil, and serving them with a dry white.”
With that Abby Melech and Piehole headed back to the palace. Abraham dwelt in this land, known as Philistia for some time to come.
GOD COMMANDS ABRAHAM TO OFFER ISICK
Some time later God decided to test Abraham.
“Abraham, how much is twelve times three?”
“Thirty-six, Lord.”
“And the capital of Paraguay?”
“Would that be Managua?”
“Excellent! I thought I could stump you with that one. No one knows the capital of Paraguay.”
“Okay, name the fourteenth element on the Periodic Chart, and give its symbol.”
“Oh man, you would go and pick chemistry. I’m not even going to guess on that one. You got me.”
“Abraham, I want you to take your son, Isick, and carry him to the land of Mariah. There you will find a mountain, and in that place, I want you to sacrifice your son to me.”
Now, in any other story, such a request would have had the crowds howling and demanding the resignation and incarceration of God, but Abraham knew full well what a prick God could be, and so the next morning he loaded a donkey with firewood, packed up his grilling equipment, and set off with little Isick for the place called Mariah. Isick was happy to be missing school and to be spending the day with his daddy.
When they reached the place, Abraham had Isick carry the wood up the mountain, while Abraham brought the coals and a knife.
Isick, a bright and inquisitive lad, despite the hundred-year-old sperm, asked his father, “Daddy, I see the wood and coals, but where is the animal for the sacrifice?”
“You know, sometimes you ask too many questions, Isick. Remember that saying about curiosity killing the cat?”
“Sorry, daddy. I’ll be quiet.”
It broke Abraham’s heart to think that shortly he would be plunging a sharp knife into the body of his beloved son.
“I’m sure we’ll find something to sacrifice that will please God,” said Abraham, while in his heart he was cursing the God who would ask him to sacrifice his own flesh and blood.
When they reached the top of the mountain, Abraham constructed an altar, upon which he laid the wood with the help of his son, and then Abraham bound Isick and placed him atop the kindling.
“Daddy, what are you doing,” asked Isick, his large, dark, innocent eyes looking up at his father, the person he trusted most in the world.
In that moment, Abraham raised the knife over his head, and was about to plunge it into his own child, when he heard a voice call out from the heavens.
“Abraham! Holy shit! WHAT are you doing? What were you thinking? Would you really kill your own son?”
Abraham dropped the knife and fell to his knees and wept.
“Daddy, it’s getting hot. Can you untie me?”
Abraham realized that the fire he had started was beginning to get very hot, and had already singed the sideburns of little Isick.
“Oh, my beautiful boy, of course I’ll untie you,” said Abraham, as he joyfully took his son in his arms and set him on the ground.
For the second time, the voice of an angel spoke to Abraham.
“Because you have shown your willingness to obey a cockamamey command from your Lord, you will be handsomely rewarded. We shall award you three million shekels in punitive damages, and shall provide you with as many descendants as there are old ladies playing slot machines in casinos in Vegas. Your descendantswill earn graduate degrees in many subjects, and will have huge success in the entertainment industry. Though they won’t be known for their excellence in sports, they shall kick the butts of their enemies, of which there will be many, with the support of a powerful ally in whose land many of your descendants will live. Sorry to have put you through this Abe, but it was the only way. Take little Isick and go home now.”
Abraham carried his beautiful boy down the mountain, despite being one hundred years old.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
NEW WEBPAGE
For all three of you out there who read my blog, I just created a webpage(only one page) where you will find info about my books and You Tube videos.The address is:
http://www.theirreverentdoctor.com
http://www.theirreverentdoctor.com
The Mopyites and Ammonianites; Abraham and Abby Melech; The Birth of Isick
THE ORIGIN OF THE MOPYITES AND THE AMMONIANITES
Alot had come to rest in the small town in which the deli was located, and though he loved the knishes and pastrami sandwiches, and enjoyed the kibitzing that went on in the deli, he feared staying in the town, so he fled with his daughters to the hills nearby and moved into a cozy split-level cave, which had a certain charm, though there was no shower or bath.
One night the older daughter said to her younger sister, “You know sis, we’re not getting any younger, and our eggs are deteriorating with every passing day. If we are going to have children, we need to strike while the iron is hot. How about if we get dad drunk, and have sex with him?”
The younger sister looked at her in total disbelief. “You crazy? No way!”
“Way,” said the older sister. “Think about it. Where are we going to find men to have sex with us? We weren’t much to look at when we were young, and now we’re old bags. Who would have us?”
“I guess you’re right,” said the younger sister. “Geez, maybe those two angels shouldn’t have stopped the Sodomites from having their way with us. At least we’d have had a little action and a kid to show for it. But yuck…dad? He must be a hundred years old. What makes you think he can still get it up, especially if he’s drunk?”
“Let me tend to that,” replied the older sister, who apparently had thought this out and was prepared for that eventuality.
So as not to arouse your prurient interest, I’ll spare you the details of the encounter, which as you might imagine, were not pretty. Suffice it to say that the deed was carried out, and the next night the younger sister had her turn, after slipping a roofie into dad’s wine.
Both girls became pregnant by their father. The oldest bore a son, who she named Mope, and the younger, a boy name Ben Ammonia, who looked a bit like a monkey. Mope was the ancestor of the Mopyites, and Ben Ammonia became the ancestor of the Ammonia Nites.
ABRAHAM AND ABBY MELECH
When Abraham was living in Gerar, he again made up a story about Sarah being his sister, a stunt he had pulled in Egypt. This time King Abby Melech took Sarah, as he too had a thing for hundred-year-old, dark-haired Jewesses.
God came to King Abby and told him he had screwed up by taking another man’s wife.
“Say what?” replied King Abby. “The dude told me he was her brother.”
Abby sent for Abraham, and asked, “What the fuck, bro? Why didn’t you tell me the bitch was your old lady?”
“I figured you guys would kill me to get her anyway, and so I was just trying to save my behind. Can’t blame a guy for trying to survive.”Abby turned Sarah over to Abraham, untouched, and in addition gave him some cattle and sheep. Abraham was making out like a bandit by bartering his wife for hoofed animals. He realized he had a good thing going, as he always got Sarah back in the long run.
God had punished Abby Melech by making it impossible for any of the women in his palace to bear children.
King Abby beseeched Abraham, “ Bro, I need you to know I never touched your wife, and never would have taken her if I had known you were her husband, and not her brother. Now your God has put a curse on the women in my palace by making them barren. You have some pull with The Man. How about you ask him to forgive me and remove the curse, so I can make me some baby Abby Melechs?”
Abraham felt it was the least he could for King Abby, as Abby had given him some fine animals along with a bunch of coin, and so Abraham requested leniency from God and his request was honored.
THE BIRTH OF ISICK
As promised, Sarah bore Abraham a son, when Abraham was one hundred years old, and he was named Isick.
God came to Abraham and said, “I knew you could do it, you altacocka! Here, have a cigar-one of Cuba’s finest. Look, just between you and me, the kid might be a little feeble-minded. Let’s face it Abe, having a kid at your age is a minor miracle, but hundred-year-old sperm is hundred-year-old sperm. You know what I’m talking about. Don’t forget to cut off the tip of his little dick too, or he won’t be a certified member of the tribe.”
Abraham did as he was commanded, though Isick peed all over him as he started to cut, and Abe passed out from the sight of the blood.
Alot had come to rest in the small town in which the deli was located, and though he loved the knishes and pastrami sandwiches, and enjoyed the kibitzing that went on in the deli, he feared staying in the town, so he fled with his daughters to the hills nearby and moved into a cozy split-level cave, which had a certain charm, though there was no shower or bath.
One night the older daughter said to her younger sister, “You know sis, we’re not getting any younger, and our eggs are deteriorating with every passing day. If we are going to have children, we need to strike while the iron is hot. How about if we get dad drunk, and have sex with him?”
The younger sister looked at her in total disbelief. “You crazy? No way!”
“Way,” said the older sister. “Think about it. Where are we going to find men to have sex with us? We weren’t much to look at when we were young, and now we’re old bags. Who would have us?”
“I guess you’re right,” said the younger sister. “Geez, maybe those two angels shouldn’t have stopped the Sodomites from having their way with us. At least we’d have had a little action and a kid to show for it. But yuck…dad? He must be a hundred years old. What makes you think he can still get it up, especially if he’s drunk?”
“Let me tend to that,” replied the older sister, who apparently had thought this out and was prepared for that eventuality.
So as not to arouse your prurient interest, I’ll spare you the details of the encounter, which as you might imagine, were not pretty. Suffice it to say that the deed was carried out, and the next night the younger sister had her turn, after slipping a roofie into dad’s wine.
Both girls became pregnant by their father. The oldest bore a son, who she named Mope, and the younger, a boy name Ben Ammonia, who looked a bit like a monkey. Mope was the ancestor of the Mopyites, and Ben Ammonia became the ancestor of the Ammonia Nites.
ABRAHAM AND ABBY MELECH
When Abraham was living in Gerar, he again made up a story about Sarah being his sister, a stunt he had pulled in Egypt. This time King Abby Melech took Sarah, as he too had a thing for hundred-year-old, dark-haired Jewesses.
God came to King Abby and told him he had screwed up by taking another man’s wife.
“Say what?” replied King Abby. “The dude told me he was her brother.”
Abby sent for Abraham, and asked, “What the fuck, bro? Why didn’t you tell me the bitch was your old lady?”
“I figured you guys would kill me to get her anyway, and so I was just trying to save my behind. Can’t blame a guy for trying to survive.”Abby turned Sarah over to Abraham, untouched, and in addition gave him some cattle and sheep. Abraham was making out like a bandit by bartering his wife for hoofed animals. He realized he had a good thing going, as he always got Sarah back in the long run.
God had punished Abby Melech by making it impossible for any of the women in his palace to bear children.
King Abby beseeched Abraham, “ Bro, I need you to know I never touched your wife, and never would have taken her if I had known you were her husband, and not her brother. Now your God has put a curse on the women in my palace by making them barren. You have some pull with The Man. How about you ask him to forgive me and remove the curse, so I can make me some baby Abby Melechs?”
Abraham felt it was the least he could for King Abby, as Abby had given him some fine animals along with a bunch of coin, and so Abraham requested leniency from God and his request was honored.
THE BIRTH OF ISICK
As promised, Sarah bore Abraham a son, when Abraham was one hundred years old, and he was named Isick.
God came to Abraham and said, “I knew you could do it, you altacocka! Here, have a cigar-one of Cuba’s finest. Look, just between you and me, the kid might be a little feeble-minded. Let’s face it Abe, having a kid at your age is a minor miracle, but hundred-year-old sperm is hundred-year-old sperm. You know what I’m talking about. Don’t forget to cut off the tip of his little dick too, or he won’t be a certified member of the tribe.”
Abraham did as he was commanded, though Isick peed all over him as he started to cut, and Abe passed out from the sight of the blood.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Sodomy and Gonorrhea
ABRAHAM PLEADS FOR SODOMY
God came to Abraham and said, “I have heard the people of Sodomy and Gonorrhea are wicked, evil, icky people.”
“What do you mean, Lord? What have you heard?”
“Bad things, Abe. They fornicate with the woman in the superior position. Women take men’s schwanstuckahs in their mouth, and suck on them until the man spills his seed. Sometimes men do that with other men.”
Abraham turned away so that God would not notice his erection.
“Ooh, these are naughty people, Lord. What are you going to do?”
“Wait,” said the Lord. “I’m not finished. These people watch pornographic images on cable. Sometimes they rub themselves while they are watching these images until they spill their seed. Women are sticking objects that look like penises into their gynies and moving them in and out.”
Abraham was on the verge of coming. He had not been this excited in decades.
“Stop, Lord-that’s enough. I don’t think I can listen to any more of these disgusting, perverse practices.”
“Wait, wait…I still have more I want to tell you about,” said God, seeming more animated and enthusiastic than was usual for him.
“No, please,” pleaded Abraham, fearing that if he heard one more detail, he would not be able to contain himself.
“Really, I get the picture. But tell me Lord, what do you have in mind to do to these evildoers?”
“I have no choice, Abe. They must all be destroyed, before they spread these evil ideas all over the region through flyers and websites. I haven’t decided yet how I want to kill them. I have so many tricks in my bag. I won’t use a flood this time, though fire isn’t out of the question.”
“But, God, what if there are fifty innocent people in the city? Will you destroy the entire city, and kill these innocent people as well?”
“That was the plan Abe. Do you have a problem with that? Life’s not fair, bubbelah.”
“But surely you recognize the injustice of killing the innocent along with the wicked?”
God was annoyed that he had to deal with this nonsense, but in order to get Abraham off his back he relented. “All right, if I can find fifty innocent citizens, I will spare the city.”
Abraham spoke again. “Please forgive me for being a nudnik, but what if there are only forty-three innocent people? Would you wipe out the entire populace because there were seven too few?”
God was not amused by this bantering, but figured if he agreed to this request, Abraham would shut his pie hole.
“Okay, Abraham, because I love you, I will spare Sodomy and Gonorrhea if I can find forty-five innocent people.”
“That was forty-three, Lord, begging your pardon?”
“Forty-three, whatever! Now let’s talk about the future of your descendants.”
Abraham was just warming up, and was not to be so easily silenced. “I know you’re going to think me an annoying pest, Lord, but what if there were only thirty-seven innocent people? Could you justify killing these virtuous ones just because of the sins of the others? Surely, your mercy would not permit you to do such a thing.”
“What’s with the bargaining, Abraham? This isn’t a garage sale or the marketplace. And why are you so invested in protecting these people? What are they to you? Look, I’m a busy God. I don’t have time for this haggling. Give me your bottom line here, and let’s bring this negotiation to an end.”
God was beginning to get hot under the collar, but was trying to remember the lessons from the Anger Management class he had taken. Take a few deep breaths. Think about the consequences of blowing up. Try to find humor in the situation.
“Okay, God, here’s my best shot. What if there were only ten innocent people to be found in all of Sodomy and Gonorrhea?”
God was pretty sure he would not be able to find even ten virtuous citizens, based on the reports he had been receiving from his people on the ground.
“Okay, Abe, mein tatzkelah. Just for you I’ll do this because you’re such a good boy. If I can find ten innocent townspeople, I will spare Sodomy and Gonorrhea. There, bubbelah, are you happy now?”
Abraham wasn’t happy, because he still thought it was unfair, but he wasn’t going to push his luck, not after the circumcision ordeal. He thanked God, and went off to his tent.
THE SINFULNESS OF SODOMY
God had sent two angels down to Sodomy to do some interviews and report back to Him what the scene was like. As the angels approached Sodomy, they found Alot sitting at the city gate. He rose to meet them and extended an offer for them to come stay at his dwelling.
“That’s sweet of you to offer,” one of the angels replied, “but we are booked into a sweet little B & B here in the center of the red light district.”
“But all of Sodomy is a red light district,” replied Alot. “I don’t understand how anyone can define the boundaries of the red light district in this God forsaken town. Please, it would be an honor to feed you and put you up for the night. I wouldn’t feel right about letting two of God’s finest stay anywhere but at my place, shithole though it is.”
The angels were so flattered by Alot’s comment that they called and cancelled their reservation at the B & B, making up a white lie that one of them had come down with serious gastrointestinal problems, so as not to hurt the feelings of the owner, a nice little old grandma. who also ran a bordello in Miami.
Mrs. Alot prepared a lot of food for the angels (What, were you thinking someone named Alot would prepare anything else?) She wasn’t sure what angels ate, so she made some meat dishes, some fish, some nice antipasti, and put out some poppyseed bagels and cream cheese.
After dinner as the angels were getting ready for bed, a crowd of Sodomites surrounded the house and demanded that the two male visitors come out at once so the Sodomites could do what they liked to do best, i.e. sodomize them.
Alot, who understood on which side his bread was buttered, entreated them. “Look guys, let’s talk about this like civilized people.”
At that moment, someone in the crowd threw a tomato at Alot, striking him in the face. The crowd started to boo Alot a lot.
“Listen, I have two daughters who are both virgins. Though they are as ugly as the day is long, I’ll let you have them and you can do whatever you like with them.”
(Say what? This asshole is about to turn his virgin daughters, his own flesh and blood, over to this mob, rather than these two guys he just met an hour ago? And God is going to spare him? Give me a break!)
One of the Sodomites shouted out, “We’ve heard those two guys who are visiting you are absolute angels. It’s not very neighborly not to share them with us. Come on, how about if you send them out before we come in and cut your fuckin’ nuts off.”
Alot was terrified of the mob, but as the crowd surged toward the door, the angels pulled Alot into the house, closed the door, and struck everyone in the crowd with blindness so that they couldn’t find the door.
The moral of this story is that trying to fuck with angels could result in poor eyesight.
THE DESRUCTION OF SODOMY AND GONORRHEA
The angels of the Lord told Alot to grab his wife and daughters and their fiancés and to hightail it out of town before God rained a pyrotechnic display on the sinful towns. Alot was dillydallying and protested that he couldn’t leave just then.
“Hey, I have bowling tomorrow night, and I play poker on Friday. How about if we leave on Saturday morning? Are you guys good with that?”
Alot pinched the cheek of one of God’s messengers, saying “Hey, come on, be an angel.”
The angels were in no mood for levity or cheek pinching.
“Look, schmuck, you don’t seem to get the gravitas of the situation. If your tuchus isn’t out of here by morning, you’re going to be barbeque just like the rest of these jokers. On behalf of the Big One, we’re giving you the chance to save your hide and the hides of those nearest and dearest to you, although after witnessing what you were prepared to do with your daughters, I’m not so sure saving them is high on your list of priorities.”
“All right, I see you guys are serious about this, though I don’t see what the rush is. I mean, if God is going to destroy Sodomy and Gonorrhea, I don’t see where a couple of days one way or the other is going to make a difference. Seems a little rigid, if you want my honest opinion.”
The head angel’s temper was rapidly wearing thin. “I don’t remember asking for your opinion, bub. Now get your butt in gear if you don’t want to be toast. Head for those hills out there and don’t look back.”
Alot started to whine. “But those hills are so far away. I can’t walk that far. I’ll have blisters all over the bottoms of my feet. These new sandals are really uncomfortable. How about if I make it to that kosher deli a little ways out?”
The angels just wanted to be on their way, and not have to listen to any more of Alot’s whining, so they agreed to his request. As they were leaving town, which God had already started to smite with fire and brimstone (You don’t ever want to get hit in the head with a brimstone; a brimstone will give you one hellacious headache,) Lot’s wife suddenly thought that she might have left some knitting behind, and turned back towards Sodomy. In that moment she was turned into a pillar of salt.
(How fickle is this God? The townspeople he destroys with fire, but the wife of Alot he turns into a salt lick? Where’s the logic here? What’s a human to do? You just don’t know when this God is going to wreak vengeance upon you, or what form the vengeance is going to take. Why not turn all the inhabitants of Sodomy and Gonorrhea into salt pillars? Would that not have sufficed? Was total cremation really necessary? And what about poor Alot? Think of how he’s set up to be the butt of cruel jokes when friends ask where his wife is, and he has to tell them that she turned into a pillar of salt. This poor schnook has lost all credibility. God could have wiped her out with breast cancer, or a brain tumor, something that would have been believable and wouldn’t have elicited derision and crude jokes in the tavern among the acquaintances of the couple.)
God came to Abraham and said, “I have heard the people of Sodomy and Gonorrhea are wicked, evil, icky people.”
“What do you mean, Lord? What have you heard?”
“Bad things, Abe. They fornicate with the woman in the superior position. Women take men’s schwanstuckahs in their mouth, and suck on them until the man spills his seed. Sometimes men do that with other men.”
Abraham turned away so that God would not notice his erection.
“Ooh, these are naughty people, Lord. What are you going to do?”
“Wait,” said the Lord. “I’m not finished. These people watch pornographic images on cable. Sometimes they rub themselves while they are watching these images until they spill their seed. Women are sticking objects that look like penises into their gynies and moving them in and out.”
Abraham was on the verge of coming. He had not been this excited in decades.
“Stop, Lord-that’s enough. I don’t think I can listen to any more of these disgusting, perverse practices.”
“Wait, wait…I still have more I want to tell you about,” said God, seeming more animated and enthusiastic than was usual for him.
“No, please,” pleaded Abraham, fearing that if he heard one more detail, he would not be able to contain himself.
“Really, I get the picture. But tell me Lord, what do you have in mind to do to these evildoers?”
“I have no choice, Abe. They must all be destroyed, before they spread these evil ideas all over the region through flyers and websites. I haven’t decided yet how I want to kill them. I have so many tricks in my bag. I won’t use a flood this time, though fire isn’t out of the question.”
“But, God, what if there are fifty innocent people in the city? Will you destroy the entire city, and kill these innocent people as well?”
“That was the plan Abe. Do you have a problem with that? Life’s not fair, bubbelah.”
“But surely you recognize the injustice of killing the innocent along with the wicked?”
God was annoyed that he had to deal with this nonsense, but in order to get Abraham off his back he relented. “All right, if I can find fifty innocent citizens, I will spare the city.”
Abraham spoke again. “Please forgive me for being a nudnik, but what if there are only forty-three innocent people? Would you wipe out the entire populace because there were seven too few?”
God was not amused by this bantering, but figured if he agreed to this request, Abraham would shut his pie hole.
“Okay, Abraham, because I love you, I will spare Sodomy and Gonorrhea if I can find forty-five innocent people.”
“That was forty-three, Lord, begging your pardon?”
“Forty-three, whatever! Now let’s talk about the future of your descendants.”
Abraham was just warming up, and was not to be so easily silenced. “I know you’re going to think me an annoying pest, Lord, but what if there were only thirty-seven innocent people? Could you justify killing these virtuous ones just because of the sins of the others? Surely, your mercy would not permit you to do such a thing.”
“What’s with the bargaining, Abraham? This isn’t a garage sale or the marketplace. And why are you so invested in protecting these people? What are they to you? Look, I’m a busy God. I don’t have time for this haggling. Give me your bottom line here, and let’s bring this negotiation to an end.”
God was beginning to get hot under the collar, but was trying to remember the lessons from the Anger Management class he had taken. Take a few deep breaths. Think about the consequences of blowing up. Try to find humor in the situation.
“Okay, God, here’s my best shot. What if there were only ten innocent people to be found in all of Sodomy and Gonorrhea?”
God was pretty sure he would not be able to find even ten virtuous citizens, based on the reports he had been receiving from his people on the ground.
“Okay, Abe, mein tatzkelah. Just for you I’ll do this because you’re such a good boy. If I can find ten innocent townspeople, I will spare Sodomy and Gonorrhea. There, bubbelah, are you happy now?”
Abraham wasn’t happy, because he still thought it was unfair, but he wasn’t going to push his luck, not after the circumcision ordeal. He thanked God, and went off to his tent.
THE SINFULNESS OF SODOMY
God had sent two angels down to Sodomy to do some interviews and report back to Him what the scene was like. As the angels approached Sodomy, they found Alot sitting at the city gate. He rose to meet them and extended an offer for them to come stay at his dwelling.
“That’s sweet of you to offer,” one of the angels replied, “but we are booked into a sweet little B & B here in the center of the red light district.”
“But all of Sodomy is a red light district,” replied Alot. “I don’t understand how anyone can define the boundaries of the red light district in this God forsaken town. Please, it would be an honor to feed you and put you up for the night. I wouldn’t feel right about letting two of God’s finest stay anywhere but at my place, shithole though it is.”
The angels were so flattered by Alot’s comment that they called and cancelled their reservation at the B & B, making up a white lie that one of them had come down with serious gastrointestinal problems, so as not to hurt the feelings of the owner, a nice little old grandma. who also ran a bordello in Miami.
Mrs. Alot prepared a lot of food for the angels (What, were you thinking someone named Alot would prepare anything else?) She wasn’t sure what angels ate, so she made some meat dishes, some fish, some nice antipasti, and put out some poppyseed bagels and cream cheese.
After dinner as the angels were getting ready for bed, a crowd of Sodomites surrounded the house and demanded that the two male visitors come out at once so the Sodomites could do what they liked to do best, i.e. sodomize them.
Alot, who understood on which side his bread was buttered, entreated them. “Look guys, let’s talk about this like civilized people.”
At that moment, someone in the crowd threw a tomato at Alot, striking him in the face. The crowd started to boo Alot a lot.
“Listen, I have two daughters who are both virgins. Though they are as ugly as the day is long, I’ll let you have them and you can do whatever you like with them.”
(Say what? This asshole is about to turn his virgin daughters, his own flesh and blood, over to this mob, rather than these two guys he just met an hour ago? And God is going to spare him? Give me a break!)
One of the Sodomites shouted out, “We’ve heard those two guys who are visiting you are absolute angels. It’s not very neighborly not to share them with us. Come on, how about if you send them out before we come in and cut your fuckin’ nuts off.”
Alot was terrified of the mob, but as the crowd surged toward the door, the angels pulled Alot into the house, closed the door, and struck everyone in the crowd with blindness so that they couldn’t find the door.
The moral of this story is that trying to fuck with angels could result in poor eyesight.
THE DESRUCTION OF SODOMY AND GONORRHEA
The angels of the Lord told Alot to grab his wife and daughters and their fiancés and to hightail it out of town before God rained a pyrotechnic display on the sinful towns. Alot was dillydallying and protested that he couldn’t leave just then.
“Hey, I have bowling tomorrow night, and I play poker on Friday. How about if we leave on Saturday morning? Are you guys good with that?”
Alot pinched the cheek of one of God’s messengers, saying “Hey, come on, be an angel.”
The angels were in no mood for levity or cheek pinching.
“Look, schmuck, you don’t seem to get the gravitas of the situation. If your tuchus isn’t out of here by morning, you’re going to be barbeque just like the rest of these jokers. On behalf of the Big One, we’re giving you the chance to save your hide and the hides of those nearest and dearest to you, although after witnessing what you were prepared to do with your daughters, I’m not so sure saving them is high on your list of priorities.”
“All right, I see you guys are serious about this, though I don’t see what the rush is. I mean, if God is going to destroy Sodomy and Gonorrhea, I don’t see where a couple of days one way or the other is going to make a difference. Seems a little rigid, if you want my honest opinion.”
The head angel’s temper was rapidly wearing thin. “I don’t remember asking for your opinion, bub. Now get your butt in gear if you don’t want to be toast. Head for those hills out there and don’t look back.”
Alot started to whine. “But those hills are so far away. I can’t walk that far. I’ll have blisters all over the bottoms of my feet. These new sandals are really uncomfortable. How about if I make it to that kosher deli a little ways out?”
The angels just wanted to be on their way, and not have to listen to any more of Alot’s whining, so they agreed to his request. As they were leaving town, which God had already started to smite with fire and brimstone (You don’t ever want to get hit in the head with a brimstone; a brimstone will give you one hellacious headache,) Lot’s wife suddenly thought that she might have left some knitting behind, and turned back towards Sodomy. In that moment she was turned into a pillar of salt.
(How fickle is this God? The townspeople he destroys with fire, but the wife of Alot he turns into a salt lick? Where’s the logic here? What’s a human to do? You just don’t know when this God is going to wreak vengeance upon you, or what form the vengeance is going to take. Why not turn all the inhabitants of Sodomy and Gonorrhea into salt pillars? Would that not have sufficed? Was total cremation really necessary? And what about poor Alot? Think of how he’s set up to be the butt of cruel jokes when friends ask where his wife is, and he has to tell them that she turned into a pillar of salt. This poor schnook has lost all credibility. God could have wiped her out with breast cancer, or a brain tumor, something that would have been believable and wouldn’t have elicited derision and crude jokes in the tavern among the acquaintances of the couple.)
Friday, March 13, 2009
Haggard and Inchmeal: Circumcision
HAGGARD AND INCHMEAL
SoreEye had had no luck getting pregnant. She had an Egyptian slave girl named Haggard, and so she went to her husband, and made a proposal.
“Abram, I feel like such a loser for not being able to pop a baby for you. Of course you might be shooting blanks, but there’s one sure way to find out. Why don’t you hook up with Haggard, my slave girl? If she bears a child for you, we’ll know who’s got the problem.”
This was very generous of SoreEye, but in her heart of hearts, she was hoping that this would prove her husband sterile, so she could dump him for a guy with live ammunition in his gun, as she hungered for a baby of her own.
Abram responded, “You know, that’s not a bad idea. I’ve noticed Haggard when she’s practicing her belly dancing, and she is HOT! I mean HOT! Whoa, Nelly-that bitch sizzles! I could see the two of us producing one splendid looking baby.”
Abram was not known for his tact or diplomacy. The fact of the matter is that the guy was a real lout.
So Haggard and Abram did the nasty, and soon Haggard was putting on weight. As you might expect, SoreEye was not handling this with grace, though it had been her suggestion. Haggard was even less tactful than Abram, and kept telling SoreEye how good Abram was in bed, and how he was able to go all night, which is something SoreEye had never experienced with her husband. Pretty soon the two were at loggerheads, and SoreEye was abusing her slave, so Haggard ran away.
An angel of the Lord ran into Haggard at a falafel stand far from home, and asked her what she was doing there. She explained that she was running away from her abusive master. The angel convinced her to return, telling Haggard, “The Lord is aware of your distress, but you’re property, and you don’t have a prayer in court, even with a good lawyer. He told me to tell you though, that you will bear Abram a male child, and will name him Inchmeal, and he will be like a wild jackass. No one will like him and he will live as a total loner.”
And it came to pass that Haggard gave birth to this son when Abram was eighty-six, a spring chicken compared to NoWay, who waited till he was 500 to have a kid.
CIRCUMCISION, THE SIGN OF THE COVENANT
God visited Abram, and after the usual introductory banter (it seemed that God never came directly to the point) told Abram, “I want you to change your name to Abraham.”
“Why is that, Lord? Is Abram not acceptable unto you?”
God was puzzled by Abram’s biblical sounding language, but let it slide.
“I just like the idea of your name ending with a little ham rather than a little ram. I also want you to know that I will be the God of your descendants for generations to come, and will give you and your descendants this land, that will one day be called Israel, and will be a royal pain in the tuchus. In exchange, Abraham, there is something I need you to do for me.”
“Of course, my Lord. Name it and it’s as good as done.”
“I want you and Inchmeal and all your slaves and all your descendants to be circumcised as a covenant between us.”
Abraham had never heard this word before, and thought it had something to do with the distance around the outside of a circle.
“At the risk of sounding ignorant, Lord, I am unfamiliar with this word.”
“A covenant, you know, like a contract, an agreement,” said the Lord.
“No,” said Abraham. “I know what a covenant is. It’s that circumcision word I don’t understand.”
“Don’t play dumb with me, Abe. Surely you know of what I speak.”
“No, honest to You, I’ve never heard the term before. Can you give me a hint?”
“It means to cut off the tip of your penis, you know, the foreskin.”
Abraham turned pale and passed out. When color had come back to his countenance and he was sufficiently recovered to speak, he said, “Surely you jest. I mean, you were just trying to get a rise out of me, weren’t you Lord? I mean, putting ham at the end of my name is one thing-a little strange for a Jew, but hey, I can live with it. But taking a knife and cutting off part of my dick? You’ve got to be kidding!”
God’s countenance turned dark and he had a nasty scowl upon his face.
“Take a good long look, AbraHAM.” (He emphasized the ham as if to taunt Abram.) “Do I LOOK like I’m kidding?”
Abraham hung his head like a man who had just been sentenced to be hanged at dawn in the town square.
“That’s not all,” said God.
“Oh, no,” thought Abraham. “What else is he going to ask me to cut off?”
“From now on, you shall call SoreEye by the name Sarah, and she shall bear you a son who will be called Isick. And you must cut off the tip of his penis too, as an initiation into the clan.”
“But God, you must be kidding about this child. SoreEye…I mean, Sarah, is ninety years old, and I’m one hundred. Can two altacockas like us have a child?”
“If NoWay could have three sons past the age of 500, I have no concerns about you and Sarah being able to get the job done. And don’t worry about Inchmeal. I’ll take care of him and make him a leader of his own nation, but I will always favor Isick. Now get going and impregnate Sarah, and then circumcise yourself and Inchmeal, and I don’t want to hear any whining. You got me?”
“You son-of-a-bitch!” were the words in Abraham’s heart, but he meekly replied, “Yes, Lord, as you command.”
SoreEye had had no luck getting pregnant. She had an Egyptian slave girl named Haggard, and so she went to her husband, and made a proposal.
“Abram, I feel like such a loser for not being able to pop a baby for you. Of course you might be shooting blanks, but there’s one sure way to find out. Why don’t you hook up with Haggard, my slave girl? If she bears a child for you, we’ll know who’s got the problem.”
This was very generous of SoreEye, but in her heart of hearts, she was hoping that this would prove her husband sterile, so she could dump him for a guy with live ammunition in his gun, as she hungered for a baby of her own.
Abram responded, “You know, that’s not a bad idea. I’ve noticed Haggard when she’s practicing her belly dancing, and she is HOT! I mean HOT! Whoa, Nelly-that bitch sizzles! I could see the two of us producing one splendid looking baby.”
Abram was not known for his tact or diplomacy. The fact of the matter is that the guy was a real lout.
So Haggard and Abram did the nasty, and soon Haggard was putting on weight. As you might expect, SoreEye was not handling this with grace, though it had been her suggestion. Haggard was even less tactful than Abram, and kept telling SoreEye how good Abram was in bed, and how he was able to go all night, which is something SoreEye had never experienced with her husband. Pretty soon the two were at loggerheads, and SoreEye was abusing her slave, so Haggard ran away.
An angel of the Lord ran into Haggard at a falafel stand far from home, and asked her what she was doing there. She explained that she was running away from her abusive master. The angel convinced her to return, telling Haggard, “The Lord is aware of your distress, but you’re property, and you don’t have a prayer in court, even with a good lawyer. He told me to tell you though, that you will bear Abram a male child, and will name him Inchmeal, and he will be like a wild jackass. No one will like him and he will live as a total loner.”
And it came to pass that Haggard gave birth to this son when Abram was eighty-six, a spring chicken compared to NoWay, who waited till he was 500 to have a kid.
CIRCUMCISION, THE SIGN OF THE COVENANT
God visited Abram, and after the usual introductory banter (it seemed that God never came directly to the point) told Abram, “I want you to change your name to Abraham.”
“Why is that, Lord? Is Abram not acceptable unto you?”
God was puzzled by Abram’s biblical sounding language, but let it slide.
“I just like the idea of your name ending with a little ham rather than a little ram. I also want you to know that I will be the God of your descendants for generations to come, and will give you and your descendants this land, that will one day be called Israel, and will be a royal pain in the tuchus. In exchange, Abraham, there is something I need you to do for me.”
“Of course, my Lord. Name it and it’s as good as done.”
“I want you and Inchmeal and all your slaves and all your descendants to be circumcised as a covenant between us.”
Abraham had never heard this word before, and thought it had something to do with the distance around the outside of a circle.
“At the risk of sounding ignorant, Lord, I am unfamiliar with this word.”
“A covenant, you know, like a contract, an agreement,” said the Lord.
“No,” said Abraham. “I know what a covenant is. It’s that circumcision word I don’t understand.”
“Don’t play dumb with me, Abe. Surely you know of what I speak.”
“No, honest to You, I’ve never heard the term before. Can you give me a hint?”
“It means to cut off the tip of your penis, you know, the foreskin.”
Abraham turned pale and passed out. When color had come back to his countenance and he was sufficiently recovered to speak, he said, “Surely you jest. I mean, you were just trying to get a rise out of me, weren’t you Lord? I mean, putting ham at the end of my name is one thing-a little strange for a Jew, but hey, I can live with it. But taking a knife and cutting off part of my dick? You’ve got to be kidding!”
God’s countenance turned dark and he had a nasty scowl upon his face.
“Take a good long look, AbraHAM.” (He emphasized the ham as if to taunt Abram.) “Do I LOOK like I’m kidding?”
Abraham hung his head like a man who had just been sentenced to be hanged at dawn in the town square.
“That’s not all,” said God.
“Oh, no,” thought Abraham. “What else is he going to ask me to cut off?”
“From now on, you shall call SoreEye by the name Sarah, and she shall bear you a son who will be called Isick. And you must cut off the tip of his penis too, as an initiation into the clan.”
“But God, you must be kidding about this child. SoreEye…I mean, Sarah, is ninety years old, and I’m one hundred. Can two altacockas like us have a child?”
“If NoWay could have three sons past the age of 500, I have no concerns about you and Sarah being able to get the job done. And don’t worry about Inchmeal. I’ll take care of him and make him a leader of his own nation, but I will always favor Isick. Now get going and impregnate Sarah, and then circumcise yourself and Inchmeal, and I don’t want to hear any whining. You got me?”
“You son-of-a-bitch!” were the words in Abraham’s heart, but he meekly replied, “Yes, Lord, as you command.”
Monday, March 9, 2009
Behavior Modification
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: EVERYBODY NEEDS A GOOD BM
It will comes as no surprise to analytical psychologists that behavior modification, or BM as it is affectionately referred to in the trade, was the brainstorm (BS) of an extortionist turned psychologist who never graduated from the Anal Stage (contrary to popular belief, the Anal Stage is not the name of a local improvisational theater company where new talent can get up and make asses of themselves). Behavior mod is a relative newcomer to the psychologist’s satchel of tricks, but the technique is actually centuries old.
The basic principles of behavior modification were laid out by Helios Agamemnon (600 A.C.-220 D.C.), the founder and first President of Agamemnon’s Columns, a highly successful column enterprise in ancient Thebes. Agamemnon (no relation to the playwright or shortstop of the same name), had been in the square wheel business as a young man, and had gone through Chapter Eleven proceedings when the round wheel was invented and became all the rage. Shortly after declaring bankruptcy, Agamemnon suffered a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized in a private neuropsychiatric institute. During his hospitalization he had a great deal of time to read magazines, such as Time (then called Chronos), and realized that his countrymen had conquered everything that was left to be conquered (except their weakness for baklava, feta cheese, and handsome young boys), and would soon have to find other forms of amusement, and other places to spend huge amounts of coin.
Coming as he did from a religious family (both of his aged parents were elders), it didn’t take long for Agamemnon to realize that soon the consciousness of the masses would turn to appeasing God, in the hope that the slaughter that had been committed to attain material wealth could now be atoned for by building lavish places of worship. These temples (Christianity had not yet been born, nor had Jesus for that matter) needed something to hold them up. Until then they had not been held up by anything other than an occasional burglar.
Agamemnon realized that the column would be just the thing to stick between a floor and a ceiling. Not only would it keep the floor and ceiling apart, creating more living space, but it would also provide a base around which young children could play tag, and upon which dogs of all ages could relieve themselves. He immediately began stockpiling columns, rows and rows of columns and columns. Agamemnon’s cousin twice removed (he was twice removed from Hercules Bar and Grill for flirting with the bouncer) was assistant editor for a local paper, and allowed Agamemnon to write a column on columns, affording him the opportunity to publicize and popularize the concept of the column.
Before long temples were being erected everywhere, and the need for columns turned Agamemnon overnight into a prosperous entrepreneur. Agamemnon was realistic enough to realize that the temple building craze could not last forever. Temples are big things- you can only fit so many on a block before you run out of room. He knew if his business were to continue to grow that he would have to move out to the suburbs and rural areas with his idea. The countryside was fertile ground. The few temples that were there didn’t even have roofs. Greeks were sun worshippers, and a roof made it difficult to get a good tan. It didn’t rain often in Thebes and its environs, and the natives considered a mouthful of rain while praying a small price to pay for a full body tan. Agamemnon hired a small staff of handsome young salesmen, who were instructed in line dancing, and drinking retsina without gagging.
Agamemnon found it difficult to motivate his salesmen. A carpet salesman can easily carry around carpet samples. A column salesman is looking at a serious hernia. One can easily imagine the reluctance of the salesmen to load several styles of two- ton columns into their vehicles each morning, and to carry these columns into the temple to show the rabbis.
Agamemnon provided as a perk to his employees a free membership to Hercules Barbell and Gorilla, small gym for large men (owned incidentally by the same Hercules who twice removed Agamemnon’s cousin from his other establishment). The salesmen were so exhausted from carrying columns around all day that they had little interest, and less energy at the end of the day to lift weights. These guys may have been lazy, but they weren’t dumbbells.
It was at this time that Agamemnon received the inspiration for what is now known as behavior modification. The idea came to him in a dream during a RUM state (his favorite stage of sleep). (For more information about the RUM stage, see my essay on Dream Interpretation). In the dream Agamemnon saw large cactus plants and neon lights. People in leisure suits and plaid pants were pulling levers and drinking alcohol as bells rang, lights flashed, and waitresses in push-up bras freshened the drinks of the lever pullers.
As this was before Freud’s time (his best time was between ten A.M. and noon, and the dream took place at 6 A.M.), and since Freud had not yet been incarnated anyway, Agamemnon did the next best thing and went to the Oracle at Delphi. This oracle was known for telling people about their past and for this reason had earned the nickname The Historical Oracle. It is a little known fact that this same oracle had formerly been known as the Oracle at Delphus, and had changed his name to Delphi after being diagnosed by Hemophilius, the bleeding heart liberal psychiatrist, as a multiple personality.
The Oracle, having recently returned from a junket to the American Southwest for the Fifth Annual Convention of Oracles, Soothsayers and Financial Planners, immediately recognized the symbolism of the dream as representing Las Vegas, the very place where the convention had taken place (yeah, I know, we’re dealing with a time warp here. Let it go. This is what is known as poetic lice sense). The Historical Oracle had cleaned up at the Keno parlor at The Mirage, a hotel that wasn’t what it appeared to be, and had taken in a show starring Wayne Newton, and his daughter Fig.
Agamemnon knew at once what he needed to do to motivate his sales force to carry those columns from temple to temple. Lifting weights was clearly not the solution. A free trip to Las Vegas for the salesman with the highest bookings might do the trick.
Thus was the basic idea of behavior modification born. If you want someone to do something that will benefit you, you offer him a small trinket, which is no skin off your nose, but seems like a big deal to him, and then you sit back and watch as the poor schmuck scrambles to earn the trinket. Agamemnon also had the clever idea of posting the sales records of all his employees on one orange column, and pasting stars next to the names of the big winners. Stars have always inspired men. These and several other clever ploys are among the arsenal of modern day behavior mod techniques, making Agamemnon the true father of the BM movement.
The earliest recorded work with behavior modification in this country was done with rats. This was immediately transferable to marriage counseling, since by the time most couples found their way to counseling, one spouse or the other considered their partner to be a rat. These techniques were also found to be useful in schools, where teachers often considered their students to be brats, a type of human rat, as well as a tasty sausage-like thing.
Leonard Skinnard, one of the first researchers into behavior modification principles, who was later to become a rock group and have a plane crash, found that a rat would continue to press a bar (or lean on a bar if he were alcoholic) at a high rate if you gave it a pellet of rat food (or a shot of Jack Daniels) every so often. The level of performance would be particularly high if the rat had no idea when the reward was being dispensed.
Skinnard published his results in the Journal of Rodent Behavior. This article had minimal impact, as very few rodents were able to read. The article was picked up by Breeder’s Digest and read by millions in doctors’ waiting rooms around the country. Within a short time wives from El Cajon to Kennebunkport were feeding their unsuspecting husbands pellets of rat food at irregular intervals, which drove many of these men to spend an inordinate amount of time leaning on bars, creating a new industry that came to be called chemical dependency treatment.
Incompetent teachers who continued to teach only because they had seniority and had to wait a few years for their pension and Social Security to kick in, were quick to latch on to behavior modification. These once well-meaning pedants had long ago lost the ability to inspire students to learn for the sheer pleasure of learning, and saw in behavior modification a means of controlling a classroom of uninspired youngsters, who in their boredom had turned to devising schemes for offing their teacher without getting caught.
The principle works as follows. You ignore negative behavior and immediately reward positive behavior. This means that if a child sets fire to another child, you ignore the fire setter, but give smiles and praise to the child who grabs the fire extinguisher and douses the fire. This can become complex however. If the child set on fire were a troublemaker whom you had been trying to expel, then you would reward the behavior of the child who started the fire, and ignore the behavior of the child who grabbed the fire extinguisher.
Let us consider the case of Miss Elsie Crumcake, a social studies teacher with sixty years of experience under her belt, and as many pounds hanging over her belt. Miss Crumcake decided to reward students who sat still and kept their mouths shut by going up to those students, smiling warmly, and putting her arm affectionately around the student’s shoulders. The classroom soon resembled the monkey house at the local zoo. Students were babbling and swinging wildly around the room in dire fear of Miss Crumcake getting close to them with her fetid breath and clammy hands. Miss Crumcake failed to understand that positive reinforcement is in the eyes of the beholder.
Although Elsie did not really understand why her behavior modification wasn’t working (nor had she ever understood why no one wanted to marry her), she intuitively understood that she had to try something different. Her next strategy was to ignore all negative behavior. This yielded similar results. At that point Elsie decided to reward positive behavior by allowing students to go home for the rest of the day. The results were remarkable! All negative behaviors expired within one day, as did Miss Crumcake’s teaching contract.
One sees evidence of behavior modification at work in countless everyday situations. Women have long understood that one of the most effective ways of getting their husbands to comply with their requests is to withhold sex until the behavior of the husband shapes up. Like rats, men will work very hard for a reward that is meaningful to them. Parents have an intuitive understanding of the power of depriving their children of food until they comply with the parent’s demands. Of course there is always that one stubborn child who will eat paint chips off the wall before he’ll give in to his mother, but even these children tend to give in once they suffer the effects of lead poisoning
Behavior modification has been applied successfully in many institutional settings such as hospitals and prisons. Bruno Jackmeier was a three- hundred -pound monster of a man with limited intelligence, who was locked up at a federal penitentiary in Indiana for killing and eating his grandfather. Bruno had an unwanted behavior of twisting the heads off of other prisoners and hiding them so that prison personnel could not find the severed heads. The warden of the prison had minored in psychology and knew something about behavior modification. He discovered that Bruno had a passion for collecting pre-Revolution Hungarian postage stamps. The warden went on the Internet and found a stamp that Bruno did not yet have in his collection. As Bruno did not have good verbal comprehension skills, the warden got a male doll, which he dressed in prison garb, and then with Bruno watching, twisted the head off the doll. The warden then handed the head to Bruno, and showed Bruno the postage stamp. Bruno tried to grab the postage stamp from the warden’s hands, but several armed guards restrained the prisoner. The warden then indicated to Bruno that if he handed over the doll’s head, he could have the stamp. The technique worked like a charm. From that day on, every time Bruno twisted off the head of an inmate, he would bring it to the warden’s office, and in turn would get a new stamp for his collection. The problem of missing heads was solved immediately. Unfortunately Bruno was so pleased with filling in the missing stamps in his collection that he was twisting off heads at a much higher rate than he had prior to the intervention. It would appear then that the intervention plan needed to be tweaked for maximum results, but the warden was on the right path.
There is virtually no limit to the possible ways in which behavior modification can be used. We have looked at but a small sampling of these possibilities, which has been limited only by my lack of interest in the topic and the fact that dinner is ready. Remember, there is no such thing as a bad BM. Follow your instincts in planning your BM interventions, and remember the words of Agamemnon, the Father of BM, “Oy, these columns weigh a ton. Why didn’t I go into the shmatah business?”
This essay appears in Titters, Giggles and Tears:Volume The Second:Would Someone Please Turn This Volume Down! by Dennis Fenichel, available on Amazon and Barnes &Noble
It will comes as no surprise to analytical psychologists that behavior modification, or BM as it is affectionately referred to in the trade, was the brainstorm (BS) of an extortionist turned psychologist who never graduated from the Anal Stage (contrary to popular belief, the Anal Stage is not the name of a local improvisational theater company where new talent can get up and make asses of themselves). Behavior mod is a relative newcomer to the psychologist’s satchel of tricks, but the technique is actually centuries old.
The basic principles of behavior modification were laid out by Helios Agamemnon (600 A.C.-220 D.C.), the founder and first President of Agamemnon’s Columns, a highly successful column enterprise in ancient Thebes. Agamemnon (no relation to the playwright or shortstop of the same name), had been in the square wheel business as a young man, and had gone through Chapter Eleven proceedings when the round wheel was invented and became all the rage. Shortly after declaring bankruptcy, Agamemnon suffered a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized in a private neuropsychiatric institute. During his hospitalization he had a great deal of time to read magazines, such as Time (then called Chronos), and realized that his countrymen had conquered everything that was left to be conquered (except their weakness for baklava, feta cheese, and handsome young boys), and would soon have to find other forms of amusement, and other places to spend huge amounts of coin.
Coming as he did from a religious family (both of his aged parents were elders), it didn’t take long for Agamemnon to realize that soon the consciousness of the masses would turn to appeasing God, in the hope that the slaughter that had been committed to attain material wealth could now be atoned for by building lavish places of worship. These temples (Christianity had not yet been born, nor had Jesus for that matter) needed something to hold them up. Until then they had not been held up by anything other than an occasional burglar.
Agamemnon realized that the column would be just the thing to stick between a floor and a ceiling. Not only would it keep the floor and ceiling apart, creating more living space, but it would also provide a base around which young children could play tag, and upon which dogs of all ages could relieve themselves. He immediately began stockpiling columns, rows and rows of columns and columns. Agamemnon’s cousin twice removed (he was twice removed from Hercules Bar and Grill for flirting with the bouncer) was assistant editor for a local paper, and allowed Agamemnon to write a column on columns, affording him the opportunity to publicize and popularize the concept of the column.
Before long temples were being erected everywhere, and the need for columns turned Agamemnon overnight into a prosperous entrepreneur. Agamemnon was realistic enough to realize that the temple building craze could not last forever. Temples are big things- you can only fit so many on a block before you run out of room. He knew if his business were to continue to grow that he would have to move out to the suburbs and rural areas with his idea. The countryside was fertile ground. The few temples that were there didn’t even have roofs. Greeks were sun worshippers, and a roof made it difficult to get a good tan. It didn’t rain often in Thebes and its environs, and the natives considered a mouthful of rain while praying a small price to pay for a full body tan. Agamemnon hired a small staff of handsome young salesmen, who were instructed in line dancing, and drinking retsina without gagging.
Agamemnon found it difficult to motivate his salesmen. A carpet salesman can easily carry around carpet samples. A column salesman is looking at a serious hernia. One can easily imagine the reluctance of the salesmen to load several styles of two- ton columns into their vehicles each morning, and to carry these columns into the temple to show the rabbis.
Agamemnon provided as a perk to his employees a free membership to Hercules Barbell and Gorilla, small gym for large men (owned incidentally by the same Hercules who twice removed Agamemnon’s cousin from his other establishment). The salesmen were so exhausted from carrying columns around all day that they had little interest, and less energy at the end of the day to lift weights. These guys may have been lazy, but they weren’t dumbbells.
It was at this time that Agamemnon received the inspiration for what is now known as behavior modification. The idea came to him in a dream during a RUM state (his favorite stage of sleep). (For more information about the RUM stage, see my essay on Dream Interpretation). In the dream Agamemnon saw large cactus plants and neon lights. People in leisure suits and plaid pants were pulling levers and drinking alcohol as bells rang, lights flashed, and waitresses in push-up bras freshened the drinks of the lever pullers.
As this was before Freud’s time (his best time was between ten A.M. and noon, and the dream took place at 6 A.M.), and since Freud had not yet been incarnated anyway, Agamemnon did the next best thing and went to the Oracle at Delphi. This oracle was known for telling people about their past and for this reason had earned the nickname The Historical Oracle. It is a little known fact that this same oracle had formerly been known as the Oracle at Delphus, and had changed his name to Delphi after being diagnosed by Hemophilius, the bleeding heart liberal psychiatrist, as a multiple personality.
The Oracle, having recently returned from a junket to the American Southwest for the Fifth Annual Convention of Oracles, Soothsayers and Financial Planners, immediately recognized the symbolism of the dream as representing Las Vegas, the very place where the convention had taken place (yeah, I know, we’re dealing with a time warp here. Let it go. This is what is known as poetic lice sense). The Historical Oracle had cleaned up at the Keno parlor at The Mirage, a hotel that wasn’t what it appeared to be, and had taken in a show starring Wayne Newton, and his daughter Fig.
Agamemnon knew at once what he needed to do to motivate his sales force to carry those columns from temple to temple. Lifting weights was clearly not the solution. A free trip to Las Vegas for the salesman with the highest bookings might do the trick.
Thus was the basic idea of behavior modification born. If you want someone to do something that will benefit you, you offer him a small trinket, which is no skin off your nose, but seems like a big deal to him, and then you sit back and watch as the poor schmuck scrambles to earn the trinket. Agamemnon also had the clever idea of posting the sales records of all his employees on one orange column, and pasting stars next to the names of the big winners. Stars have always inspired men. These and several other clever ploys are among the arsenal of modern day behavior mod techniques, making Agamemnon the true father of the BM movement.
The earliest recorded work with behavior modification in this country was done with rats. This was immediately transferable to marriage counseling, since by the time most couples found their way to counseling, one spouse or the other considered their partner to be a rat. These techniques were also found to be useful in schools, where teachers often considered their students to be brats, a type of human rat, as well as a tasty sausage-like thing.
Leonard Skinnard, one of the first researchers into behavior modification principles, who was later to become a rock group and have a plane crash, found that a rat would continue to press a bar (or lean on a bar if he were alcoholic) at a high rate if you gave it a pellet of rat food (or a shot of Jack Daniels) every so often. The level of performance would be particularly high if the rat had no idea when the reward was being dispensed.
Skinnard published his results in the Journal of Rodent Behavior. This article had minimal impact, as very few rodents were able to read. The article was picked up by Breeder’s Digest and read by millions in doctors’ waiting rooms around the country. Within a short time wives from El Cajon to Kennebunkport were feeding their unsuspecting husbands pellets of rat food at irregular intervals, which drove many of these men to spend an inordinate amount of time leaning on bars, creating a new industry that came to be called chemical dependency treatment.
Incompetent teachers who continued to teach only because they had seniority and had to wait a few years for their pension and Social Security to kick in, were quick to latch on to behavior modification. These once well-meaning pedants had long ago lost the ability to inspire students to learn for the sheer pleasure of learning, and saw in behavior modification a means of controlling a classroom of uninspired youngsters, who in their boredom had turned to devising schemes for offing their teacher without getting caught.
The principle works as follows. You ignore negative behavior and immediately reward positive behavior. This means that if a child sets fire to another child, you ignore the fire setter, but give smiles and praise to the child who grabs the fire extinguisher and douses the fire. This can become complex however. If the child set on fire were a troublemaker whom you had been trying to expel, then you would reward the behavior of the child who started the fire, and ignore the behavior of the child who grabbed the fire extinguisher.
Let us consider the case of Miss Elsie Crumcake, a social studies teacher with sixty years of experience under her belt, and as many pounds hanging over her belt. Miss Crumcake decided to reward students who sat still and kept their mouths shut by going up to those students, smiling warmly, and putting her arm affectionately around the student’s shoulders. The classroom soon resembled the monkey house at the local zoo. Students were babbling and swinging wildly around the room in dire fear of Miss Crumcake getting close to them with her fetid breath and clammy hands. Miss Crumcake failed to understand that positive reinforcement is in the eyes of the beholder.
Although Elsie did not really understand why her behavior modification wasn’t working (nor had she ever understood why no one wanted to marry her), she intuitively understood that she had to try something different. Her next strategy was to ignore all negative behavior. This yielded similar results. At that point Elsie decided to reward positive behavior by allowing students to go home for the rest of the day. The results were remarkable! All negative behaviors expired within one day, as did Miss Crumcake’s teaching contract.
One sees evidence of behavior modification at work in countless everyday situations. Women have long understood that one of the most effective ways of getting their husbands to comply with their requests is to withhold sex until the behavior of the husband shapes up. Like rats, men will work very hard for a reward that is meaningful to them. Parents have an intuitive understanding of the power of depriving their children of food until they comply with the parent’s demands. Of course there is always that one stubborn child who will eat paint chips off the wall before he’ll give in to his mother, but even these children tend to give in once they suffer the effects of lead poisoning
Behavior modification has been applied successfully in many institutional settings such as hospitals and prisons. Bruno Jackmeier was a three- hundred -pound monster of a man with limited intelligence, who was locked up at a federal penitentiary in Indiana for killing and eating his grandfather. Bruno had an unwanted behavior of twisting the heads off of other prisoners and hiding them so that prison personnel could not find the severed heads. The warden of the prison had minored in psychology and knew something about behavior modification. He discovered that Bruno had a passion for collecting pre-Revolution Hungarian postage stamps. The warden went on the Internet and found a stamp that Bruno did not yet have in his collection. As Bruno did not have good verbal comprehension skills, the warden got a male doll, which he dressed in prison garb, and then with Bruno watching, twisted the head off the doll. The warden then handed the head to Bruno, and showed Bruno the postage stamp. Bruno tried to grab the postage stamp from the warden’s hands, but several armed guards restrained the prisoner. The warden then indicated to Bruno that if he handed over the doll’s head, he could have the stamp. The technique worked like a charm. From that day on, every time Bruno twisted off the head of an inmate, he would bring it to the warden’s office, and in turn would get a new stamp for his collection. The problem of missing heads was solved immediately. Unfortunately Bruno was so pleased with filling in the missing stamps in his collection that he was twisting off heads at a much higher rate than he had prior to the intervention. It would appear then that the intervention plan needed to be tweaked for maximum results, but the warden was on the right path.
There is virtually no limit to the possible ways in which behavior modification can be used. We have looked at but a small sampling of these possibilities, which has been limited only by my lack of interest in the topic and the fact that dinner is ready. Remember, there is no such thing as a bad BM. Follow your instincts in planning your BM interventions, and remember the words of Agamemnon, the Father of BM, “Oy, these columns weigh a ton. Why didn’t I go into the shmatah business?”
This essay appears in Titters, Giggles and Tears:Volume The Second:Would Someone Please Turn This Volume Down! by Dennis Fenichel, available on Amazon and Barnes &Noble
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Some Sections About Abram
ABRAM AND ALOT SEPARATE
Abram did a bunch of moving around, and finally settled near Bethel. At that time the Parasites were living there. This was an Italian family that ran a chain of pizzerias. Abram and Alot were both wealthy men who had lots of cattle. The slaves who looked after the cattle started arguing because there really wasn’t enough land for all the animals, so Abe called Alot.
“Look, bro,” he said, (bro was the equivalent of dude today-you didn’t have to be someone’s blood brother to address him as bro) “we shouldn’t be fighting over land. There is plenty of rich land belonging to other people that we can confiscate for ourselves. We’ll just say that God told us he promised us that land.”
So Abram and Alot parted ways, and Alot headed toward the Michael Jordan Valley, and camped near a place called Sodomy, where the living was easy, and the people were wicked. (Don’t you think the name of the place should have tipped him off that some nasty stuff was going on? Maybe there were no signs on the highway as he rode into town.)
ABRAM MOVES TO HEBRON
God told Abram, “Look around you. All the land that you can see in every direction will be yours. Fill it with your offspring, and make sure they go to good colleges, and become lawyers and dentists. It may not be apparent now, but one day you will appreciate this advice. In the distant future, this land that I am giving you will be surrounded by peoples on all sides who will hate your guts. No need to worry though. I will give you a big powerful ally who will give you all the weapons you need to defeat these enemies.”
Abram was getting tired of his small tent, and there was no cable in his neighborhood. He heard about a four-bedroom tent with swimming pool and cable that had been foreclosed upon near Hebron, and so Abram and his mishpuche moved to the new digs.
ABRAM RESCUES ALOT
Four kings, Sam Raphel of Babyloonia, Ari Och of Ellasar, Chad Orlaomer of Edam (a cheesy little territory,) and Tidal of Goyim went to war against five other kings: Yogi BuryYa of Sodom, Beer Shaw of Sodomy (an ancestor of George Beernard Shaw,) Schnob of Admah, Sham Meber of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela. These five kings had formed an alliance in Silicon Valley, which is now the Dead Sea.
(Obviously war was a recreational sport even back in those times, with powerful rulers making alliances with others to suit their needs, and beating up on weaker foes and taking their booty and land. Most of this chapter gives details of who fought who and where, along with the box scores of the results.)
Anyway the outcome was that the four kings defeated the five, and the four kings took everything that wasn’t welded into place from Sodomy and Gonnorhea, including Alot,
who, you may remember, was living in Sodomy at the time, where he was running a small gyros stand.
When Abram heard that Alot had been taken, he said, “Gee, those kings are greedy bastards. They sure took a lot.”
Abram rounded up his troops, and having night goggles, which the four kings didn’t possess, was able to defeat them at night. He brought Alot back with him, including a number of Sodomite women renowned for their skill at fellatio.
MEL CHIZEDEK BLESSES ABRAM
When Abram had returned victorious, the King of Sodomy went out to meet him in ShaveMe Valley. Mel Chizedek, who was King of Salem (a state that had grown rich manufacturing cigarettes,) and worked weekends as a priest, doing weddings and Bar Mitzvahs, brought wine and luncheon meats to toast Abram’s success.
“You da man!” shouted Mel Chizedek, firing a semiautomatic weapon into the air. ”Hip, hip, hooray! Come on you all-give it up for our friend, Abe!”
Abram was sucking up the applause, and for Mel’s promotion gave him ten percent of the booty he had seized from the four kings.
The King of Sodomy said to Abram, “You can keep all the loot-just give me back my dancing girls.”
Abram replied disdainfully, “You can have it all, you little twit. Do you think I need anything from you? I could buy out your whole operation with one day’s take from my enterprises. I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction of thinking for a moment that you had even contributed to my wealth and power.”
With that, he tossed bills and coins high into the air, and the King of Sodomy dove to the ground and scampered like a jackrabbit on all fours, trying to scoop up the bills before they blew away.
GOD’S COVENANT WITH ABRAM
Abram was doing mushrooms and had a vision. God came to him and said, “Abram, I will protect you and you shall have as many descendants as there are cockroaches in the tenements in the Bronx.”
Abram replied, “But how is that possible, Lord? You have given me no children, and I am already an old altacocka.”
God replied, “Abram, you’re so cute when you use Yiddish words, menchik.”
In the vision, God requested Abram to bring a cow, a goat, a ram, a dove, and a pigeon. Abram brought the animals and cut them in half, knowing this would please God, who was hardly a PETA supporter, as you’ve probably noticed by now.
Abram dozed off as the mushrooms wore off, and God came to him and said, “Your descendants will be slaves in a foreign land for four hundred years, and will be treated with great cruelty, but I will spare you having to witness this as you will be pushing daisies by then. But being the sweet God I am, I wanted you to take this knowledge to the grave with you.”
When the sun had set, a torch magically appeared and passed among the pieces of meat. God was hungry, and it was time to barbeque. As the meat was cooking, then and there God made a covenant with Abram, saying, “I promise to give your descendants the land of the Kenites, the Kenizzites, the Kadmonites, the Hittites, the Parasites, the Rephaim, the Amorites, the CannonKnights, the Girgashites, and the JebBushites.”
It appears God had randomly picked these families out of the phone book Little did they know that they would soon be living on the street or in homeless shelters, as the descendants of Abram moved into their homes and set up housekeeping.
Abram did a bunch of moving around, and finally settled near Bethel. At that time the Parasites were living there. This was an Italian family that ran a chain of pizzerias. Abram and Alot were both wealthy men who had lots of cattle. The slaves who looked after the cattle started arguing because there really wasn’t enough land for all the animals, so Abe called Alot.
“Look, bro,” he said, (bro was the equivalent of dude today-you didn’t have to be someone’s blood brother to address him as bro) “we shouldn’t be fighting over land. There is plenty of rich land belonging to other people that we can confiscate for ourselves. We’ll just say that God told us he promised us that land.”
So Abram and Alot parted ways, and Alot headed toward the Michael Jordan Valley, and camped near a place called Sodomy, where the living was easy, and the people were wicked. (Don’t you think the name of the place should have tipped him off that some nasty stuff was going on? Maybe there were no signs on the highway as he rode into town.)
ABRAM MOVES TO HEBRON
God told Abram, “Look around you. All the land that you can see in every direction will be yours. Fill it with your offspring, and make sure they go to good colleges, and become lawyers and dentists. It may not be apparent now, but one day you will appreciate this advice. In the distant future, this land that I am giving you will be surrounded by peoples on all sides who will hate your guts. No need to worry though. I will give you a big powerful ally who will give you all the weapons you need to defeat these enemies.”
Abram was getting tired of his small tent, and there was no cable in his neighborhood. He heard about a four-bedroom tent with swimming pool and cable that had been foreclosed upon near Hebron, and so Abram and his mishpuche moved to the new digs.
ABRAM RESCUES ALOT
Four kings, Sam Raphel of Babyloonia, Ari Och of Ellasar, Chad Orlaomer of Edam (a cheesy little territory,) and Tidal of Goyim went to war against five other kings: Yogi BuryYa of Sodom, Beer Shaw of Sodomy (an ancestor of George Beernard Shaw,) Schnob of Admah, Sham Meber of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela. These five kings had formed an alliance in Silicon Valley, which is now the Dead Sea.
(Obviously war was a recreational sport even back in those times, with powerful rulers making alliances with others to suit their needs, and beating up on weaker foes and taking their booty and land. Most of this chapter gives details of who fought who and where, along with the box scores of the results.)
Anyway the outcome was that the four kings defeated the five, and the four kings took everything that wasn’t welded into place from Sodomy and Gonnorhea, including Alot,
who, you may remember, was living in Sodomy at the time, where he was running a small gyros stand.
When Abram heard that Alot had been taken, he said, “Gee, those kings are greedy bastards. They sure took a lot.”
Abram rounded up his troops, and having night goggles, which the four kings didn’t possess, was able to defeat them at night. He brought Alot back with him, including a number of Sodomite women renowned for their skill at fellatio.
MEL CHIZEDEK BLESSES ABRAM
When Abram had returned victorious, the King of Sodomy went out to meet him in ShaveMe Valley. Mel Chizedek, who was King of Salem (a state that had grown rich manufacturing cigarettes,) and worked weekends as a priest, doing weddings and Bar Mitzvahs, brought wine and luncheon meats to toast Abram’s success.
“You da man!” shouted Mel Chizedek, firing a semiautomatic weapon into the air. ”Hip, hip, hooray! Come on you all-give it up for our friend, Abe!”
Abram was sucking up the applause, and for Mel’s promotion gave him ten percent of the booty he had seized from the four kings.
The King of Sodomy said to Abram, “You can keep all the loot-just give me back my dancing girls.”
Abram replied disdainfully, “You can have it all, you little twit. Do you think I need anything from you? I could buy out your whole operation with one day’s take from my enterprises. I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction of thinking for a moment that you had even contributed to my wealth and power.”
With that, he tossed bills and coins high into the air, and the King of Sodomy dove to the ground and scampered like a jackrabbit on all fours, trying to scoop up the bills before they blew away.
GOD’S COVENANT WITH ABRAM
Abram was doing mushrooms and had a vision. God came to him and said, “Abram, I will protect you and you shall have as many descendants as there are cockroaches in the tenements in the Bronx.”
Abram replied, “But how is that possible, Lord? You have given me no children, and I am already an old altacocka.”
God replied, “Abram, you’re so cute when you use Yiddish words, menchik.”
In the vision, God requested Abram to bring a cow, a goat, a ram, a dove, and a pigeon. Abram brought the animals and cut them in half, knowing this would please God, who was hardly a PETA supporter, as you’ve probably noticed by now.
Abram dozed off as the mushrooms wore off, and God came to him and said, “Your descendants will be slaves in a foreign land for four hundred years, and will be treated with great cruelty, but I will spare you having to witness this as you will be pushing daisies by then. But being the sweet God I am, I wanted you to take this knowledge to the grave with you.”
When the sun had set, a torch magically appeared and passed among the pieces of meat. God was hungry, and it was time to barbeque. As the meat was cooking, then and there God made a covenant with Abram, saying, “I promise to give your descendants the land of the Kenites, the Kenizzites, the Kadmonites, the Hittites, the Parasites, the Rephaim, the Amorites, the CannonKnights, the Girgashites, and the JebBushites.”
It appears God had randomly picked these families out of the phone book Little did they know that they would soon be living on the street or in homeless shelters, as the descendants of Abram moved into their homes and set up housekeeping.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Noway's Sons; Tower of BabbleOn;Descendants of Sham and Terror; God Calls Abram: Abram in Egypt
NOWAY AND HIS SONS AND THEIR SONS
This section of the Bah Bull is drier than dust and BORING, with names of peoples derived from the sons of NoWay, and where they wound up living, so I will spare you the details and summarize this section.
NoWay planted a vineyard, and one day had a few liters too much to drink and was drunk on his ass. He took off all his clothes and lay down naked in his tent. Ham found his father lying naked and went and told his two brothers, Phlegm and Pork Chop. These two walked into the tent backwards, so they wouldn’t have to see a five-hundred-year-old man’s shriveled genitals, and dropped a sheet on their comatose father.
When NoWay sobered up, he was pissed at Ham, and put a curse on Ham’s son, Cannon, predicting that he would be a slave to the sons of the two backward-walking brothers, and that Phlegm and Pork Chop would prosper. You can see that NoWay had picked up some of the more despicable habits of the Big Kahuna.
NoWay’s grandchildren included Gomer, Magog, Nimrod, Lewd, Amway, Arbutus, Pegleg and Heath, and they lived in places like Sabteca, Ashkenaz, Calah, Zeboiim, Hazarmaveth, and Oz.
They became separate tribes with their own languages and customs, and so the seeds for rivalry and war were planted. No more one big happy family.
THE TOWER OF BABBLE ON
At one time all of the people of the world (there were about forty-seven at one count) spoke the same language. They had about twelve words that expressed their basic needs. They had no use for prepositions, conjunctions, adjectives, adverbs and the like. A few verbs and nouns sufficed for their daily routines, which consisted largely of eating, propagating and bathroom functions.
They settled in BabbleOn, on a plain (Some versions of the Bible say they settled on a plane, but this does not make sense as there weren’t planes at that time.) They bought some bricks at Home Depot, and one ambitious guy said, “Hey, let’s build a really tall tower that reaches to the sky, so we can make a name for ourselves.”
God came down and saw the tower, and said, “Cool-look at that-it scrapes the sky.”
But after thinking for another nanosecond, God decided that these people might get too uppity and think they could do anything, and God felt threatened. He said, “I shall go down there and mess with their language, so they will all be speaking different languages, and won’t be able to communicate. That way they won’t be able to cooperate on any more major projects, and my sovereignty will be assured.”
With a wave of his hand, God made his word manifest, and suddenly everyone was speaking a different language and no one could understand anyone else.
With a contented smirk on his face, God proclaimed, “Babble on, you idiots.”
The lesson here-don’t go challenging God-he doesn’t take kindly to too much ambition.
THE DESCENDANTS OF SHAM AND TERROR
More genealogy and begetting here, so I’ll spare you and just give you some big names.
Phlegm, son of NoWay, had a son named I’llPackHisBags, who had a son named Sheila (possibly a cross-dresser,) who had a son named Eber, who had a son name Pegleg, who had a son named Rue, who had a son named Shrug, who had a son named NoWhore, who had a son named Terror, who was the father of Abram and SaranWrap.
(None of these men seemed capable of fathering a girl child. Did you notice that?)
SaranWrap was the father of Alot. The Bible does not stipulate a lot of what-it just says Alot. Abram married SoreEye, who was unable to bear children (probably the reason she didn’t have any.)
Terror packed up Abram, Alot, and SoreEye, and they headed out to Cannon, which was the California of those times.
GOD CALLS ABRAM
Terror hadn’t quite made it to Cannon, so one day many years later, God rang up Abram, and told him to bundle up his belongings and slaves, along with SoreEye and Alot, and head out to Cannon, because God had big plans for Abram.
(It appears that slavery was an okay practice at that time, at least in the eyes of God. Otherwise he probably would have told Abram to free his slaves rather than pack them up. Don’t you think?)
There were CannonKnights living on the land, but God told Abram, “Don’t worry about these people. They only live here. I want you to have this land for yourself and your descendants. Just keep building altars to me wherever you go, and burn some barbeque.”
ABRAM IN EGYPT
There was a famine in Cannon, so Abram moved to Egypt. His wife was a knockout, and Abe was afraid that the border guards would take her and kill him, so he dressed her in mismatched clothing and told her to tell them she was his sister.
The Egyptians apparently had a thing for Jewish women, and so they whisked SoreEye off to the palace, knowing that the King would want to play koochy-koochy with her. Abe wasn’t upset with this, because the King gave him goats and cattle, which was infinitely better than being killed and having his head paraded around town on the end of a sharp stick.
When God learned that the King had bumped his uglies on SoreEye, he was really steamed, and sent some special pestilence and plagues upon the Egyptians. The King was a standup guy, and when he learned that SoreEye was Abram’s wife, he called for Abram and chewed him out royally, as was befitting a King, for not telling him that SoreEye was his squeeze.
Abram felt like a cad for so readily letting another man have his wife, but his greater concern was whether the King would take back the goats and cattle, to which Abram had already become attached. The King gave Abram an hour to clear out of town, but let him keep the goats.
This section of the Bah Bull is drier than dust and BORING, with names of peoples derived from the sons of NoWay, and where they wound up living, so I will spare you the details and summarize this section.
NoWay planted a vineyard, and one day had a few liters too much to drink and was drunk on his ass. He took off all his clothes and lay down naked in his tent. Ham found his father lying naked and went and told his two brothers, Phlegm and Pork Chop. These two walked into the tent backwards, so they wouldn’t have to see a five-hundred-year-old man’s shriveled genitals, and dropped a sheet on their comatose father.
When NoWay sobered up, he was pissed at Ham, and put a curse on Ham’s son, Cannon, predicting that he would be a slave to the sons of the two backward-walking brothers, and that Phlegm and Pork Chop would prosper. You can see that NoWay had picked up some of the more despicable habits of the Big Kahuna.
NoWay’s grandchildren included Gomer, Magog, Nimrod, Lewd, Amway, Arbutus, Pegleg and Heath, and they lived in places like Sabteca, Ashkenaz, Calah, Zeboiim, Hazarmaveth, and Oz.
They became separate tribes with their own languages and customs, and so the seeds for rivalry and war were planted. No more one big happy family.
THE TOWER OF BABBLE ON
At one time all of the people of the world (there were about forty-seven at one count) spoke the same language. They had about twelve words that expressed their basic needs. They had no use for prepositions, conjunctions, adjectives, adverbs and the like. A few verbs and nouns sufficed for their daily routines, which consisted largely of eating, propagating and bathroom functions.
They settled in BabbleOn, on a plain (Some versions of the Bible say they settled on a plane, but this does not make sense as there weren’t planes at that time.) They bought some bricks at Home Depot, and one ambitious guy said, “Hey, let’s build a really tall tower that reaches to the sky, so we can make a name for ourselves.”
God came down and saw the tower, and said, “Cool-look at that-it scrapes the sky.”
But after thinking for another nanosecond, God decided that these people might get too uppity and think they could do anything, and God felt threatened. He said, “I shall go down there and mess with their language, so they will all be speaking different languages, and won’t be able to communicate. That way they won’t be able to cooperate on any more major projects, and my sovereignty will be assured.”
With a wave of his hand, God made his word manifest, and suddenly everyone was speaking a different language and no one could understand anyone else.
With a contented smirk on his face, God proclaimed, “Babble on, you idiots.”
The lesson here-don’t go challenging God-he doesn’t take kindly to too much ambition.
THE DESCENDANTS OF SHAM AND TERROR
More genealogy and begetting here, so I’ll spare you and just give you some big names.
Phlegm, son of NoWay, had a son named I’llPackHisBags, who had a son named Sheila (possibly a cross-dresser,) who had a son named Eber, who had a son name Pegleg, who had a son named Rue, who had a son named Shrug, who had a son named NoWhore, who had a son named Terror, who was the father of Abram and SaranWrap.
(None of these men seemed capable of fathering a girl child. Did you notice that?)
SaranWrap was the father of Alot. The Bible does not stipulate a lot of what-it just says Alot. Abram married SoreEye, who was unable to bear children (probably the reason she didn’t have any.)
Terror packed up Abram, Alot, and SoreEye, and they headed out to Cannon, which was the California of those times.
GOD CALLS ABRAM
Terror hadn’t quite made it to Cannon, so one day many years later, God rang up Abram, and told him to bundle up his belongings and slaves, along with SoreEye and Alot, and head out to Cannon, because God had big plans for Abram.
(It appears that slavery was an okay practice at that time, at least in the eyes of God. Otherwise he probably would have told Abram to free his slaves rather than pack them up. Don’t you think?)
There were CannonKnights living on the land, but God told Abram, “Don’t worry about these people. They only live here. I want you to have this land for yourself and your descendants. Just keep building altars to me wherever you go, and burn some barbeque.”
ABRAM IN EGYPT
There was a famine in Cannon, so Abram moved to Egypt. His wife was a knockout, and Abe was afraid that the border guards would take her and kill him, so he dressed her in mismatched clothing and told her to tell them she was his sister.
The Egyptians apparently had a thing for Jewish women, and so they whisked SoreEye off to the palace, knowing that the King would want to play koochy-koochy with her. Abe wasn’t upset with this, because the King gave him goats and cattle, which was infinitely better than being killed and having his head paraded around town on the end of a sharp stick.
When God learned that the King had bumped his uglies on SoreEye, he was really steamed, and sent some special pestilence and plagues upon the Egyptians. The King was a standup guy, and when he learned that SoreEye was Abram’s wife, he called for Abram and chewed him out royally, as was befitting a King, for not telling him that SoreEye was his squeeze.
Abram felt like a cad for so readily letting another man have his wife, but his greater concern was whether the King would take back the goats and cattle, to which Abram had already become attached. The King gave Abram an hour to clear out of town, but let him keep the goats.
Monday, March 2, 2009
God's Covenant with Noway; Noway and His Sons; The Tower of BabbleOn
GOD’S COVENANT WITH NOWAY
God told NoWay to go out and multiply, which NoWay did gladly as he was a whiz at math. God told NoWay that he was making him the master over all other forms of life, and that all animals would live in fear of him. This was a natural concept for God to come up with, since he wanted all humans to live in fear of Him, so it was a small leap.
God told NoWay that he could partake of all the foods, plants and animals, that God had created, but there was one exception that he was not allowed to consume. That was jello.
God told NoWay, “I forbid you to eat anything that wiggles like that. Besides I don’t understand what the hell jello is made of. Stay away from that stuff-it can’t be good for you.”
God also promised that he would never send a flood again to destroy all of mankind. He was parsing words here, as he didn’t make any promises about not sending other natural disasters, nor did he say anything about not destroying significant patches of mankind, as he so amply demonstrated later in The Big Easy with Hurricane Katrina.
God said that he would put a rainbow in the sky to help him remember his promise, and when he saw the rainbow it would serve as a reminder of this agreement. Of course he didn’t say anything about the ninety percent of days when there was no rainbow in the sky to remind him. It was a good idea to get any promises that God made in writing, or at least to have a lawyer present, but in those times there weren’t any lawyers, as people all did honest work.
NOWAY AND HIS SONS AND THEIR SONS
This section of the Bah Bull is drier than dust and BORING, with names of peoples derived from the sons of NoWay, and where they wound up living, so I will spare you the details and summarize this section.
NoWay planted a vineyard, and one day had a few liters too much to drink and was drunk on his ass. He took off all his clothes and lay down naked in his tent. Ham found his father lying naked and went and told his two brothers, Phlegm and Pork Chop. These two walked into the tent backwards, so they wouldn’t have to see a five-hundred-year-old man’s shriveled genitals, and dropped a sheet on their comatose father.
When NoWay sobered up, he was pissed at Ham, and put a curse on Ham’s son, Cannon, predicting that he would be a slave to the sons of the two backward-walking brothers, and that Phlegm and Pork Chop would prosper. You can see that NoWay had picked up some of the more despicable habits of the Big Kahuna.
NoWay’s grandchildren included Gomer, Magog, Nimrod, Lewd, Amway, Arbutus, Pegleg and Heath, and they lived in places like Sabteca, Ashkenaz, Calah, Zeboiim, Hazarmaveth, and Oz.
They became separate tribes with their own languages and customs, and so the seeds for rivalry and war were planted. No more one big happy family.
THE TOWER OF BABBLE ON
At one time all of the people of the world (there were about forty-seven at one count) spoke the same language. They had about twelve words that expressed their basic needs. They had no use for prepositions, conjunctions, adjectives, adverbs and the like. A few verbs and nouns sufficed for their daily routines, which consisted largely of eating, propagating and bathroom functions.
They settled in BabbleOn, on a plain (Some versions of the Bible say they settled on a plane, but this does not make sense as there weren’t planes at that time.) They bought some bricks at Home Depot, and one ambitious guy said, “Hey, let’s build a really tall tower that reaches to the sky, so we can make a name for ourselves.”
God came down and saw the tower, and said, “Cool-look at that-it scrapes the sky.”
But after thinking for another nanosecond, God decided that these people might get too uppity and think they could do anything, and God felt threatened. He said, “I shall go down there and mess with their language, so they will all be speaking different languages, and won’t be able to communicate. That way they won’t be able to cooperate on any more major projects, and my sovereignty will be assured.”
With a wave of his hand, God made his word manifest, and suddenly everyone was speaking a different language and no one could understand anyone else.
With a contented smirk on his face, God proclaimed, “Babble on, you idiots.”
The lesson here-don’t go challenging God-he doesn’t take kindly to too much ambition.
God told NoWay to go out and multiply, which NoWay did gladly as he was a whiz at math. God told NoWay that he was making him the master over all other forms of life, and that all animals would live in fear of him. This was a natural concept for God to come up with, since he wanted all humans to live in fear of Him, so it was a small leap.
God told NoWay that he could partake of all the foods, plants and animals, that God had created, but there was one exception that he was not allowed to consume. That was jello.
God told NoWay, “I forbid you to eat anything that wiggles like that. Besides I don’t understand what the hell jello is made of. Stay away from that stuff-it can’t be good for you.”
God also promised that he would never send a flood again to destroy all of mankind. He was parsing words here, as he didn’t make any promises about not sending other natural disasters, nor did he say anything about not destroying significant patches of mankind, as he so amply demonstrated later in The Big Easy with Hurricane Katrina.
God said that he would put a rainbow in the sky to help him remember his promise, and when he saw the rainbow it would serve as a reminder of this agreement. Of course he didn’t say anything about the ninety percent of days when there was no rainbow in the sky to remind him. It was a good idea to get any promises that God made in writing, or at least to have a lawyer present, but in those times there weren’t any lawyers, as people all did honest work.
NOWAY AND HIS SONS AND THEIR SONS
This section of the Bah Bull is drier than dust and BORING, with names of peoples derived from the sons of NoWay, and where they wound up living, so I will spare you the details and summarize this section.
NoWay planted a vineyard, and one day had a few liters too much to drink and was drunk on his ass. He took off all his clothes and lay down naked in his tent. Ham found his father lying naked and went and told his two brothers, Phlegm and Pork Chop. These two walked into the tent backwards, so they wouldn’t have to see a five-hundred-year-old man’s shriveled genitals, and dropped a sheet on their comatose father.
When NoWay sobered up, he was pissed at Ham, and put a curse on Ham’s son, Cannon, predicting that he would be a slave to the sons of the two backward-walking brothers, and that Phlegm and Pork Chop would prosper. You can see that NoWay had picked up some of the more despicable habits of the Big Kahuna.
NoWay’s grandchildren included Gomer, Magog, Nimrod, Lewd, Amway, Arbutus, Pegleg and Heath, and they lived in places like Sabteca, Ashkenaz, Calah, Zeboiim, Hazarmaveth, and Oz.
They became separate tribes with their own languages and customs, and so the seeds for rivalry and war were planted. No more one big happy family.
THE TOWER OF BABBLE ON
At one time all of the people of the world (there were about forty-seven at one count) spoke the same language. They had about twelve words that expressed their basic needs. They had no use for prepositions, conjunctions, adjectives, adverbs and the like. A few verbs and nouns sufficed for their daily routines, which consisted largely of eating, propagating and bathroom functions.
They settled in BabbleOn, on a plain (Some versions of the Bible say they settled on a plane, but this does not make sense as there weren’t planes at that time.) They bought some bricks at Home Depot, and one ambitious guy said, “Hey, let’s build a really tall tower that reaches to the sky, so we can make a name for ourselves.”
God came down and saw the tower, and said, “Cool-look at that-it scrapes the sky.”
But after thinking for another nanosecond, God decided that these people might get too uppity and think they could do anything, and God felt threatened. He said, “I shall go down there and mess with their language, so they will all be speaking different languages, and won’t be able to communicate. That way they won’t be able to cooperate on any more major projects, and my sovereignty will be assured.”
With a wave of his hand, God made his word manifest, and suddenly everyone was speaking a different language and no one could understand anyone else.
With a contented smirk on his face, God proclaimed, “Babble on, you idiots.”
The lesson here-don’t go challenging God-he doesn’t take kindly to too much ambition.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Freedback
If there is anyone out there actually reading this nonsense, I would love to hear from you and find out what you think of it. You can email me at chongueinteek@yahoo.com. Thank you
The Flood;The End of the Flood:Noway Offers a Sacrifice
THE FLOOD
And God told NoWay, “Take into the boat with you seven pair of clean animals, but only one pair of unclean animals.”
“Clean and unclean animals?” came NoWay’s response.
“Is there an echo in this room?” responded the Lord. “Do I lisp? Yes, NoWay, clean and unclean animals-do I not make myself clear?”
“Begging your pardon, Lord, but I’m not catching the drift. How do I tell a clean animal from an unclean animal?”
“Okay, NoWay, pay attention now. I’ll talk very slowly. Kitty cat-clean. Pig-unclean. Cockapoo puppy-clean. Rhinoceros-unclean. Get the picture?”
NoWay still wasn’t sure he grasped the concept, but he was not about to incur any more of God’s sarcasm, so he nodded his head.
“Okay, NoWay, now haul ass and get everyone on the boat, because I’m about to let loose a mighty stream, and you don’t want to be in the way when that happens.”
NoWay was 600 years old at this time, but he was a jogger and a workout fanatic, and he still moved pretty good for an old guy. Seven days after NoWay had gotten everyone on board, the rains started, and for forty days and forty nights, it rained cats and dogs. You can only imagine of how little value an umbrella would have been against a sky raining such animals. One small dog landing on your umbrella would have been enough to disable it completely. It was a mess! At least water soaks into the earth and goes down storm sewers. Cats and dogs just pile up. Imagine what that must have looked like after forty days!
NoWay had forgotten to put an engine in his boat. Remember he was working against a tight deadline, and the only thing he had ever built prior to this boat was a campfire to roast marshmallows when he was a Cub Scout. After forty days the boat came to rest on Mount Ararat. Interestingly this was the same place the boat had begun its journey. One might consider this a remarkable coincidence, but then again, if one gave this a moment of reflection, one would quickly conclude that a boat without an engine would not get very far, especially in a sea of cats and dogs, which are not particularly buoyant.
It turned out to be a good thing NoWay had so many animals on board, because the cats and dogs did not recede for one hundred and fifty days, and NoWay and his family were trapped aboard the vessel for this period, and the meager supply of grain and figs had run out after two weeks. Fortunately a couple of NoWay’s relatives were butchers, and NoWay was thankful that he had such a bountiful supply of animals on board to feed him and his family for the next several months.
THE END OF THE FLOOD
When the flood abated, NoWay sent out a pigeon, but it never came back. Two weeks later he sent out a dove, and it returned with a bottle of olive oil. He took this as a good sign, and a week later sent out a parrot. The parrot returned a couple of days later and said “Pretty bird, pretty bird.”
NoWay put his hands around the parrot’s throat, and said “Knock it off, or you’re supper tonight. What did you see out there?”
The parrot, realizing that NoWay wasn’t joking about the supper remark, answered, “A world of dead cats and dogs, but otherwise not much going on, boss.”
God instructed NoWay to get everyone off the boat, and to send them out to reproduce and repopulate the Earth. NoWay was thankful that he had spared one male and one female pig, as they had been incredibly tasty, and it would have been a shame to have a world without bacon, pork chops, and ribs.
NOWAY OFFERS A SACRIFICE
NoWay built an altar to the Lord, and made a burnt sacrifice of one each of the animals who remained, except the pigs as previously mentioned. The Lord, smelling the sweet smell of the smoke, exclaimed, “Mmm, barbeque-damn, why wasn’t I invited?”
God had been doing some heavy thinking, and had come to some conclusions.
“You know, I guess I just have to accept the fact that humans have some bad intentions, and those that don’t have bad intentions are simply weak and driven by their animal nature, and are bound to screw up. I can’t be sending natural disasters down to wipe out the human race every time I get pissed off. From now on, I’ll just send local disasters that wipe out small pockets of humanity.”
And God followed through with this commitment, sending drought, hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, mudslides, forest fires, diseases, and war whenever he was irked by the behavior of man. Centuries later when he was particularly ticked off at the hedonistic lifestyle of Californians, he sent combinations of these disasters on a regular basis as punishment.
And God told NoWay, “Take into the boat with you seven pair of clean animals, but only one pair of unclean animals.”
“Clean and unclean animals?” came NoWay’s response.
“Is there an echo in this room?” responded the Lord. “Do I lisp? Yes, NoWay, clean and unclean animals-do I not make myself clear?”
“Begging your pardon, Lord, but I’m not catching the drift. How do I tell a clean animal from an unclean animal?”
“Okay, NoWay, pay attention now. I’ll talk very slowly. Kitty cat-clean. Pig-unclean. Cockapoo puppy-clean. Rhinoceros-unclean. Get the picture?”
NoWay still wasn’t sure he grasped the concept, but he was not about to incur any more of God’s sarcasm, so he nodded his head.
“Okay, NoWay, now haul ass and get everyone on the boat, because I’m about to let loose a mighty stream, and you don’t want to be in the way when that happens.”
NoWay was 600 years old at this time, but he was a jogger and a workout fanatic, and he still moved pretty good for an old guy. Seven days after NoWay had gotten everyone on board, the rains started, and for forty days and forty nights, it rained cats and dogs. You can only imagine of how little value an umbrella would have been against a sky raining such animals. One small dog landing on your umbrella would have been enough to disable it completely. It was a mess! At least water soaks into the earth and goes down storm sewers. Cats and dogs just pile up. Imagine what that must have looked like after forty days!
NoWay had forgotten to put an engine in his boat. Remember he was working against a tight deadline, and the only thing he had ever built prior to this boat was a campfire to roast marshmallows when he was a Cub Scout. After forty days the boat came to rest on Mount Ararat. Interestingly this was the same place the boat had begun its journey. One might consider this a remarkable coincidence, but then again, if one gave this a moment of reflection, one would quickly conclude that a boat without an engine would not get very far, especially in a sea of cats and dogs, which are not particularly buoyant.
It turned out to be a good thing NoWay had so many animals on board, because the cats and dogs did not recede for one hundred and fifty days, and NoWay and his family were trapped aboard the vessel for this period, and the meager supply of grain and figs had run out after two weeks. Fortunately a couple of NoWay’s relatives were butchers, and NoWay was thankful that he had such a bountiful supply of animals on board to feed him and his family for the next several months.
THE END OF THE FLOOD
When the flood abated, NoWay sent out a pigeon, but it never came back. Two weeks later he sent out a dove, and it returned with a bottle of olive oil. He took this as a good sign, and a week later sent out a parrot. The parrot returned a couple of days later and said “Pretty bird, pretty bird.”
NoWay put his hands around the parrot’s throat, and said “Knock it off, or you’re supper tonight. What did you see out there?”
The parrot, realizing that NoWay wasn’t joking about the supper remark, answered, “A world of dead cats and dogs, but otherwise not much going on, boss.”
God instructed NoWay to get everyone off the boat, and to send them out to reproduce and repopulate the Earth. NoWay was thankful that he had spared one male and one female pig, as they had been incredibly tasty, and it would have been a shame to have a world without bacon, pork chops, and ribs.
NOWAY OFFERS A SACRIFICE
NoWay built an altar to the Lord, and made a burnt sacrifice of one each of the animals who remained, except the pigs as previously mentioned. The Lord, smelling the sweet smell of the smoke, exclaimed, “Mmm, barbeque-damn, why wasn’t I invited?”
God had been doing some heavy thinking, and had come to some conclusions.
“You know, I guess I just have to accept the fact that humans have some bad intentions, and those that don’t have bad intentions are simply weak and driven by their animal nature, and are bound to screw up. I can’t be sending natural disasters down to wipe out the human race every time I get pissed off. From now on, I’ll just send local disasters that wipe out small pockets of humanity.”
And God followed through with this commitment, sending drought, hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, mudslides, forest fires, diseases, and war whenever he was irked by the behavior of man. Centuries later when he was particularly ticked off at the hedonistic lifestyle of Californians, he sent combinations of these disasters on a regular basis as punishment.
Monday, February 23, 2009
The Descendants of Cain and Adman; The Wickedness of Mankind; Noway
THE DESCENDANTS OF CAIN AND ADMAN
Everyone started reproducing like rabbits at this point, and pretty soon the population was exploding exponentially, with more strange names floating around than you could shake a stick at. There was Mentholatum, father of LambShack. LambShack was married to Abba and Godzillah. Abba gave birth to two sons named Jubal and Jabal, ancestors of Tweedledum and Tweedledee. Godzillah begat Tubal Ligation, whose sister was Nevermore, named after a passage from Edgar Allen Poe(m). The highlight of this section of the Bah Bull was the announcement by LambShack to his wives that he had killed a young twenty-something for shorting him on a drug deal.
Adman decided later in life that he sorely missed changing diapers, and at the age of 130 had a son named Seth. (If one were to think about this rationally, one might wonder about the quality of sperm that had been around for 130 years, not to mention the libido of a guy Adman’s age, but then who are we to question the word of God?) Adman enjoyed his newborn so much that he sired other children after the age of 130, and had a few more good years, dying at the age of 930. (I know what you’re thinking. Does this guy think we fell off a turnip truck? If he said 600 or 700, we might have bought that, but c’mon, no one lives to 900! Think about it though: no pollution, a natural food diet, lots of fresh air and exercise, no smoking, and good God genes. Could happen.)
Mentholatum had LambShack when he was 187, and died at 969, making Adman look like a wimp by comparison. LambShack had a son named NoWay, and died at 777, a multiple of 111, like 666, the mark of Satan, a meaningless bit of numerical trivia.
NoWay was leery of commitment, and being unskilled, lacked confidence in his ability to support a family, and so waited a few years until he had established himself in a career. Five hundred years to be exact. NoWay had three sons after the age of 500, who he referred to as My Three Sons. NoWay’s sons were named Phlegm, Ham, and Pork Chop.
(If you think I’m making these numbers up, check out another version of the Bible. I might be making some of the names up, but I wouldn’t mess with the numbers.)
THE WICKEDNESS OF MANKIND
There were many beautiful girls being born (remember the comeliness of Even, the fount of all this reproduction,) and they were scooped up by heavenly beings who carried them off somewhere where they could fool around with them. At this time there were beings walking the face of the Earth who were the offspring of mortal women and heavenly beings, whatever or whoever these heavenly beings were. They didn’t carry ID or credit cards-that’s for sure. One can only theorize as to who these heavenly beings were, but they obviously had a taste for nubile Earth girls.
God was absolutely disgusted with all the fornication, masturbation, oral sex, and ménage a trois that was going on, especially since he was never invited to join in the fun, so He decided to wipe out the human race he had created, sparing only NoWay, who had become his favorite drinking buddy and confidante.
NOWAY
God was fed up with the misbehavior of humans. It was like friggin’ Chicago during the days of Capone. Liquor, gambling, drugs, sex, corruption-come to think of it, it was just like virtually everyplace else during every period of history. Makes you wonder if maybe the fault lay in the Creator. Oh well, ours is not to question. Anyway, there was one geek who was a goody-two-shoes and never did anything bad. This guy was B-O-R-I-N-G, but God thought he was the cat’s meow. His name was NoWay.
God told NoWay that he was going to send a giant flood to destroy mankind, womankind, childkind and animalkind, and that NoWay should get to work on a cruise ship big enough to house NoWay’s immediate and extended family, and a bunch of animals.
God said, “Make sure you take a male and female of every type of animal, because you might be on the boat for a long time, and nothing spoils the tranquility of a cruise like a bunch of big, horny animals running up and down the decks looking for something to copulate with.”
NoWay asked, “Every animal, Lord?”
God replied, “ Well, I suppose you could leave the mosquitoes, ticks, fleas and tsetse flies behind.”
NoWay said, “You know you can count on me, Captain (this was his nickname for the Big Kahuna) but I don’t know shit from shinola when it comes to carpentry. Couldn’t you get Jesus to build the ship? After all, he’s a carpenter.”
God was annoyed by this stupid question, and responded peevishly, “You idiot! Don’t you see how anachronistic that is? Jesus doesn’t come till the New Testament. Are you trying to rewrite history?”
“Of course, forgive me the faux pas. What was I thinking? I’ll give it my best shot. I just hope I’m able.”
“No way,” responded God. “You can’t be Abel. Cain slew Abel, or is it slawed…let’s see…slay…slew…slawding? Well, he killed him, let’s leave it at that.”
And so NoWay had his wife write invitations to two of every animal and bird, and asked them to RSVP. He didn’t invite any fish because he heard they drank like fish, and he didn’t want any trouble on the ship. Besides, being fish, he figured they would weather the flood just fine. Sure they might get wet, but they weren’t going to drown!
Meanwhile NoWay started putting in some long hours to prepare the vessel that was to save him, his family, and a boatload of animals.
Everyone started reproducing like rabbits at this point, and pretty soon the population was exploding exponentially, with more strange names floating around than you could shake a stick at. There was Mentholatum, father of LambShack. LambShack was married to Abba and Godzillah. Abba gave birth to two sons named Jubal and Jabal, ancestors of Tweedledum and Tweedledee. Godzillah begat Tubal Ligation, whose sister was Nevermore, named after a passage from Edgar Allen Poe(m). The highlight of this section of the Bah Bull was the announcement by LambShack to his wives that he had killed a young twenty-something for shorting him on a drug deal.
Adman decided later in life that he sorely missed changing diapers, and at the age of 130 had a son named Seth. (If one were to think about this rationally, one might wonder about the quality of sperm that had been around for 130 years, not to mention the libido of a guy Adman’s age, but then who are we to question the word of God?) Adman enjoyed his newborn so much that he sired other children after the age of 130, and had a few more good years, dying at the age of 930. (I know what you’re thinking. Does this guy think we fell off a turnip truck? If he said 600 or 700, we might have bought that, but c’mon, no one lives to 900! Think about it though: no pollution, a natural food diet, lots of fresh air and exercise, no smoking, and good God genes. Could happen.)
Mentholatum had LambShack when he was 187, and died at 969, making Adman look like a wimp by comparison. LambShack had a son named NoWay, and died at 777, a multiple of 111, like 666, the mark of Satan, a meaningless bit of numerical trivia.
NoWay was leery of commitment, and being unskilled, lacked confidence in his ability to support a family, and so waited a few years until he had established himself in a career. Five hundred years to be exact. NoWay had three sons after the age of 500, who he referred to as My Three Sons. NoWay’s sons were named Phlegm, Ham, and Pork Chop.
(If you think I’m making these numbers up, check out another version of the Bible. I might be making some of the names up, but I wouldn’t mess with the numbers.)
THE WICKEDNESS OF MANKIND
There were many beautiful girls being born (remember the comeliness of Even, the fount of all this reproduction,) and they were scooped up by heavenly beings who carried them off somewhere where they could fool around with them. At this time there were beings walking the face of the Earth who were the offspring of mortal women and heavenly beings, whatever or whoever these heavenly beings were. They didn’t carry ID or credit cards-that’s for sure. One can only theorize as to who these heavenly beings were, but they obviously had a taste for nubile Earth girls.
God was absolutely disgusted with all the fornication, masturbation, oral sex, and ménage a trois that was going on, especially since he was never invited to join in the fun, so He decided to wipe out the human race he had created, sparing only NoWay, who had become his favorite drinking buddy and confidante.
NOWAY
God was fed up with the misbehavior of humans. It was like friggin’ Chicago during the days of Capone. Liquor, gambling, drugs, sex, corruption-come to think of it, it was just like virtually everyplace else during every period of history. Makes you wonder if maybe the fault lay in the Creator. Oh well, ours is not to question. Anyway, there was one geek who was a goody-two-shoes and never did anything bad. This guy was B-O-R-I-N-G, but God thought he was the cat’s meow. His name was NoWay.
God told NoWay that he was going to send a giant flood to destroy mankind, womankind, childkind and animalkind, and that NoWay should get to work on a cruise ship big enough to house NoWay’s immediate and extended family, and a bunch of animals.
God said, “Make sure you take a male and female of every type of animal, because you might be on the boat for a long time, and nothing spoils the tranquility of a cruise like a bunch of big, horny animals running up and down the decks looking for something to copulate with.”
NoWay asked, “Every animal, Lord?”
God replied, “ Well, I suppose you could leave the mosquitoes, ticks, fleas and tsetse flies behind.”
NoWay said, “You know you can count on me, Captain (this was his nickname for the Big Kahuna) but I don’t know shit from shinola when it comes to carpentry. Couldn’t you get Jesus to build the ship? After all, he’s a carpenter.”
God was annoyed by this stupid question, and responded peevishly, “You idiot! Don’t you see how anachronistic that is? Jesus doesn’t come till the New Testament. Are you trying to rewrite history?”
“Of course, forgive me the faux pas. What was I thinking? I’ll give it my best shot. I just hope I’m able.”
“No way,” responded God. “You can’t be Abel. Cain slew Abel, or is it slawed…let’s see…slay…slew…slawding? Well, he killed him, let’s leave it at that.”
And so NoWay had his wife write invitations to two of every animal and bird, and asked them to RSVP. He didn’t invite any fish because he heard they drank like fish, and he didn’t want any trouble on the ship. Besides, being fish, he figured they would weather the flood just fine. Sure they might get wet, but they weren’t going to drown!
Meanwhile NoWay started putting in some long hours to prepare the vessel that was to save him, his family, and a boatload of animals.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
