Haggard and Inchmeal are Sent Away; The Agreement Between Abraham and Abby Melech; God Commands Abraham to Offer Isick

HAGGARD AND INCHMEAL ARE SENT AWAY

One day Sarah came to Abraham and said, “Honey, I think it would be better if you sent Haggard and Inchmeal away. I’ve watched Inchmeal playing with our little Isick, and I’m concerned that he is going to hurt him.”
Sarah’s unvoiced concern was that Inchmeal would inherit part of Abraham’s business enterprises, and she wanted Isick to have it all for himself, as she had big plans for her firstborn.

So Abraham loaded Haggard up the next morning with some dehydrated foods, forgetting these would be useless in the desert, where there was no water to be found, and several cans of sardines.
Haggard wandered for a while in the area of Beersheba, a town known for its many breweries, and when she ran out of water, sat down and cried, for she feared her young boy would die.

God heard her crying and said, “Enough of that now, Haggard. Even though Abraham might be a lout, you can count on me. I will not let Inchmeal perish, at least not just yet.
Look, over there at two o’clock.”
Haggard looked in that direction, and God chided her, “Two o’clock Haggard! That’s eleven o’clock.”
Haggard meekly replied, “Sorry, Lord,” and there at two o’clock, she saw a well, where none had been before.
“Well ain’t that somethin’,” exclaimed Haggard. “Really, you shouldn’t have. You’re too kind. A flagon of water would have sufficed.”
Haggard didn’t know what a flagon was, but she thought she had heard this word in a movie.

God said, “Give the boy some water now, before he starts convulsing. And don’t worry-I will make a great nation of his descendants.”
Inchmeal lived in the wilderness, where he became a skilled hunter, and when the time was right, Haggard found him a svelte Egyptian dancing girl to be his wife.


THE AGREEMENT BETWEEN ABRAHAM AND ABBY MELECH

Abby Melech showed up one day at Abraham’s place, with his army commander, Piehole.
“Abe, old friend,” he started out.
Abraham knew at once that Abby Melech wanted something from him. The “old friend” was a giveaway. Abe wondered if maybe Abby Melech had changed his mind about Sarah.
“Abe, you seem to have God on your side, and I need you to promise that you won’t mess with me or my descendants. I don’t have a problem with you living here, as long as you pay your taxes, but I don’t want you deciding one day that you need to take over my land, or show up at my palace with an armed force. Capish?”
Abe was puzzled about why Abby Melech was suddenly reverting to Italian, but he let the thought go.
“Okay,” replied Abraham.
“Okay what?” retorted Abby Melech.
“Okay, Abby Melech,” replied Abraham.
Abby Melech knew Abraham well enough to know that he couldn’t give him any wiggle room.
“Say it, Abe. Okay is not enough.”
“Come on, Mel. We both know what I’m saying okay to.”
“No, that’s not good enough, Abraham. Now stop playing games and say the whole thing.”
“Damn you, Abby Melech. Okay, I promise not to mess with you or your descendants. Are you satisfied now?”
Abby Melech kissed Abraham twice on each cheek, a custom of the time of which Abraham was not particularly fond, after which Abraham pulled his pants back up.
Abraham then complained about a well he owned that had been seized by a servant of Abby Melech.

“I did not know of this,” responded the King. “Give me his name, and I shall have his testicles cut off.”
“I don’t know who did it,” replied Abraham. “It will suffice to give me my well back.”
As a gesture of good will, Abraham gave back to Abby Melech a few of the inferior animals that the King had previously given to him, and made a special offering of seven lambs.
The King asked, “What is this for?”
“I know how fond you are of lamb chops and a good rack of lamb,” responded Abraham. “Take these lamb, and grill and enjoy. I would suggest marinating them first with a little olive oil and basil, and serving them with a dry white.”

With that Abby Melech and Piehole headed back to the palace. Abraham dwelt in this land, known as Philistia for some time to come.


GOD COMMANDS ABRAHAM TO OFFER ISICK

Some time later God decided to test Abraham.
“Abraham, how much is twelve times three?”
“Thirty-six, Lord.”
“And the capital of Paraguay?”
“Would that be Managua?”
“Excellent! I thought I could stump you with that one. No one knows the capital of Paraguay.”
“Okay, name the fourteenth element on the Periodic Chart, and give its symbol.”
“Oh man, you would go and pick chemistry. I’m not even going to guess on that one. You got me.”

“Abraham, I want you to take your son, Isick, and carry him to the land of Mariah. There you will find a mountain, and in that place, I want you to sacrifice your son to me.”
Now, in any other story, such a request would have had the crowds howling and demanding the resignation and incarceration of God, but Abraham knew full well what a prick God could be, and so the next morning he loaded a donkey with firewood, packed up his grilling equipment, and set off with little Isick for the place called Mariah. Isick was happy to be missing school and to be spending the day with his daddy.

When they reached the place, Abraham had Isick carry the wood up the mountain, while Abraham brought the coals and a knife.
Isick, a bright and inquisitive lad, despite the hundred-year-old sperm, asked his father, “Daddy, I see the wood and coals, but where is the animal for the sacrifice?”
“You know, sometimes you ask too many questions, Isick. Remember that saying about curiosity killing the cat?”
“Sorry, daddy. I’ll be quiet.”

It broke Abraham’s heart to think that shortly he would be plunging a sharp knife into the body of his beloved son.
“I’m sure we’ll find something to sacrifice that will please God,” said Abraham, while in his heart he was cursing the God who would ask him to sacrifice his own flesh and blood.
When they reached the top of the mountain, Abraham constructed an altar, upon which he laid the wood with the help of his son, and then Abraham bound Isick and placed him atop the kindling.

“Daddy, what are you doing,” asked Isick, his large, dark, innocent eyes looking up at his father, the person he trusted most in the world.
In that moment, Abraham raised the knife over his head, and was about to plunge it into his own child, when he heard a voice call out from the heavens.
“Abraham! Holy shit! WHAT are you doing? What were you thinking? Would you really kill your own son?”
Abraham dropped the knife and fell to his knees and wept.
“Daddy, it’s getting hot. Can you untie me?”
Abraham realized that the fire he had started was beginning to get very hot, and had already singed the sideburns of little Isick.
“Oh, my beautiful boy, of course I’ll untie you,” said Abraham, as he joyfully took his son in his arms and set him on the ground.

For the second time, the voice of an angel spoke to Abraham.
“Because you have shown your willingness to obey a cockamamey command from your Lord, you will be handsomely rewarded. We shall award you three million shekels in punitive damages, and shall provide you with as many descendants as there are old ladies playing slot machines in casinos in Vegas. Your descendantswill earn graduate degrees in many subjects, and will have huge success in the entertainment industry. Though they won’t be known for their excellence in sports, they shall kick the butts of their enemies, of which there will be many, with the support of a powerful ally in whose land many of your descendants will live. Sorry to have put you through this Abe, but it was the only way. Take little Isick and go home now.”

Abraham carried his beautiful boy down the mountain, despite being one hundred years old.