Haggard and Inchmeal: Circumcision

HAGGARD AND INCHMEAL

SoreEye had had no luck getting pregnant. She had an Egyptian slave girl named Haggard, and so she went to her husband, and made a proposal.
“Abram, I feel like such a loser for not being able to pop a baby for you. Of course you might be shooting blanks, but there’s one sure way to find out. Why don’t you hook up with Haggard, my slave girl? If she bears a child for you, we’ll know who’s got the problem.”

This was very generous of SoreEye, but in her heart of hearts, she was hoping that this would prove her husband sterile, so she could dump him for a guy with live ammunition in his gun, as she hungered for a baby of her own.
Abram responded, “You know, that’s not a bad idea. I’ve noticed Haggard when she’s practicing her belly dancing, and she is HOT! I mean HOT! Whoa, Nelly-that bitch sizzles! I could see the two of us producing one splendid looking baby.”
Abram was not known for his tact or diplomacy. The fact of the matter is that the guy was a real lout.

So Haggard and Abram did the nasty, and soon Haggard was putting on weight. As you might expect, SoreEye was not handling this with grace, though it had been her suggestion. Haggard was even less tactful than Abram, and kept telling SoreEye how good Abram was in bed, and how he was able to go all night, which is something SoreEye had never experienced with her husband. Pretty soon the two were at loggerheads, and SoreEye was abusing her slave, so Haggard ran away.

An angel of the Lord ran into Haggard at a falafel stand far from home, and asked her what she was doing there. She explained that she was running away from her abusive master. The angel convinced her to return, telling Haggard, “The Lord is aware of your distress, but you’re property, and you don’t have a prayer in court, even with a good lawyer. He told me to tell you though, that you will bear Abram a male child, and will name him Inchmeal, and he will be like a wild jackass. No one will like him and he will live as a total loner.”

And it came to pass that Haggard gave birth to this son when Abram was eighty-six, a spring chicken compared to NoWay, who waited till he was 500 to have a kid.



CIRCUMCISION, THE SIGN OF THE COVENANT

God visited Abram, and after the usual introductory banter (it seemed that God never came directly to the point) told Abram, “I want you to change your name to Abraham.”
“Why is that, Lord? Is Abram not acceptable unto you?”
God was puzzled by Abram’s biblical sounding language, but let it slide.

“I just like the idea of your name ending with a little ham rather than a little ram. I also want you to know that I will be the God of your descendants for generations to come, and will give you and your descendants this land, that will one day be called Israel, and will be a royal pain in the tuchus. In exchange, Abraham, there is something I need you to do for me.”
“Of course, my Lord. Name it and it’s as good as done.”
“I want you and Inchmeal and all your slaves and all your descendants to be circumcised as a covenant between us.”

Abraham had never heard this word before, and thought it had something to do with the distance around the outside of a circle.
“At the risk of sounding ignorant, Lord, I am unfamiliar with this word.”
“A covenant, you know, like a contract, an agreement,” said the Lord.
“No,” said Abraham. “I know what a covenant is. It’s that circumcision word I don’t understand.”
“Don’t play dumb with me, Abe. Surely you know of what I speak.”
“No, honest to You, I’ve never heard the term before. Can you give me a hint?”
“It means to cut off the tip of your penis, you know, the foreskin.”

Abraham turned pale and passed out. When color had come back to his countenance and he was sufficiently recovered to speak, he said, “Surely you jest. I mean, you were just trying to get a rise out of me, weren’t you Lord? I mean, putting ham at the end of my name is one thing-a little strange for a Jew, but hey, I can live with it. But taking a knife and cutting off part of my dick? You’ve got to be kidding!”
God’s countenance turned dark and he had a nasty scowl upon his face.
“Take a good long look, AbraHAM.” (He emphasized the ham as if to taunt Abram.) “Do I LOOK like I’m kidding?”
Abraham hung his head like a man who had just been sentenced to be hanged at dawn in the town square.

“That’s not all,” said God.
“Oh, no,” thought Abraham. “What else is he going to ask me to cut off?”
“From now on, you shall call SoreEye by the name Sarah, and she shall bear you a son who will be called Isick. And you must cut off the tip of his penis too, as an initiation into the clan.”
“But God, you must be kidding about this child. SoreEye…I mean, Sarah, is ninety years old, and I’m one hundred. Can two altacockas like us have a child?”
“If NoWay could have three sons past the age of 500, I have no concerns about you and Sarah being able to get the job done. And don’t worry about Inchmeal. I’ll take care of him and make him a leader of his own nation, but I will always favor Isick. Now get going and impregnate Sarah, and then circumcise yourself and Inchmeal, and I don’t want to hear any whining. You got me?”
“You son-of-a-bitch!” were the words in Abraham’s heart, but he meekly replied, “Yes, Lord, as you command.”