Some Sections About Abram

ABRAM AND ALOT SEPARATE

Abram did a bunch of moving around, and finally settled near Bethel. At that time the Parasites were living there. This was an Italian family that ran a chain of pizzerias. Abram and Alot were both wealthy men who had lots of cattle. The slaves who looked after the cattle started arguing because there really wasn’t enough land for all the animals, so Abe called Alot.

“Look, bro,” he said, (bro was the equivalent of dude today-you didn’t have to be someone’s blood brother to address him as bro) “we shouldn’t be fighting over land. There is plenty of rich land belonging to other people that we can confiscate for ourselves. We’ll just say that God told us he promised us that land.”

So Abram and Alot parted ways, and Alot headed toward the Michael Jordan Valley, and camped near a place called Sodomy, where the living was easy, and the people were wicked. (Don’t you think the name of the place should have tipped him off that some nasty stuff was going on? Maybe there were no signs on the highway as he rode into town.)

ABRAM MOVES TO HEBRON

God told Abram, “Look around you. All the land that you can see in every direction will be yours. Fill it with your offspring, and make sure they go to good colleges, and become lawyers and dentists. It may not be apparent now, but one day you will appreciate this advice. In the distant future, this land that I am giving you will be surrounded by peoples on all sides who will hate your guts. No need to worry though. I will give you a big powerful ally who will give you all the weapons you need to defeat these enemies.”

Abram was getting tired of his small tent, and there was no cable in his neighborhood. He heard about a four-bedroom tent with swimming pool and cable that had been foreclosed upon near Hebron, and so Abram and his mishpuche moved to the new digs.

ABRAM RESCUES ALOT

Four kings, Sam Raphel of Babyloonia, Ari Och of Ellasar, Chad Orlaomer of Edam (a cheesy little territory,) and Tidal of Goyim went to war against five other kings: Yogi BuryYa of Sodom, Beer Shaw of Sodomy (an ancestor of George Beernard Shaw,) Schnob of Admah, Sham Meber of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela. These five kings had formed an alliance in Silicon Valley, which is now the Dead Sea.

(Obviously war was a recreational sport even back in those times, with powerful rulers making alliances with others to suit their needs, and beating up on weaker foes and taking their booty and land. Most of this chapter gives details of who fought who and where, along with the box scores of the results.)

Anyway the outcome was that the four kings defeated the five, and the four kings took everything that wasn’t welded into place from Sodomy and Gonnorhea, including Alot,
who, you may remember, was living in Sodomy at the time, where he was running a small gyros stand.
When Abram heard that Alot had been taken, he said, “Gee, those kings are greedy bastards. They sure took a lot.”
Abram rounded up his troops, and having night goggles, which the four kings didn’t possess, was able to defeat them at night. He brought Alot back with him, including a number of Sodomite women renowned for their skill at fellatio.

MEL CHIZEDEK BLESSES ABRAM

When Abram had returned victorious, the King of Sodomy went out to meet him in ShaveMe Valley. Mel Chizedek, who was King of Salem (a state that had grown rich manufacturing cigarettes,) and worked weekends as a priest, doing weddings and Bar Mitzvahs, brought wine and luncheon meats to toast Abram’s success.

“You da man!” shouted Mel Chizedek, firing a semiautomatic weapon into the air. ”Hip, hip, hooray! Come on you all-give it up for our friend, Abe!”
Abram was sucking up the applause, and for Mel’s promotion gave him ten percent of the booty he had seized from the four kings.

The King of Sodomy said to Abram, “You can keep all the loot-just give me back my dancing girls.”
Abram replied disdainfully, “You can have it all, you little twit. Do you think I need anything from you? I could buy out your whole operation with one day’s take from my enterprises. I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction of thinking for a moment that you had even contributed to my wealth and power.”
With that, he tossed bills and coins high into the air, and the King of Sodomy dove to the ground and scampered like a jackrabbit on all fours, trying to scoop up the bills before they blew away.

GOD’S COVENANT WITH ABRAM

Abram was doing mushrooms and had a vision. God came to him and said, “Abram, I will protect you and you shall have as many descendants as there are cockroaches in the tenements in the Bronx.”
Abram replied, “But how is that possible, Lord? You have given me no children, and I am already an old altacocka.”
God replied, “Abram, you’re so cute when you use Yiddish words, menchik.”

In the vision, God requested Abram to bring a cow, a goat, a ram, a dove, and a pigeon. Abram brought the animals and cut them in half, knowing this would please God, who was hardly a PETA supporter, as you’ve probably noticed by now.
Abram dozed off as the mushrooms wore off, and God came to him and said, “Your descendants will be slaves in a foreign land for four hundred years, and will be treated with great cruelty, but I will spare you having to witness this as you will be pushing daisies by then. But being the sweet God I am, I wanted you to take this knowledge to the grave with you.”

When the sun had set, a torch magically appeared and passed among the pieces of meat. God was hungry, and it was time to barbeque. As the meat was cooking, then and there God made a covenant with Abram, saying, “I promise to give your descendants the land of the Kenites, the Kenizzites, the Kadmonites, the Hittites, the Parasites, the Rephaim, the Amorites, the CannonKnights, the Girgashites, and the JebBushites.”
It appears God had randomly picked these families out of the phone book Little did they know that they would soon be living on the street or in homeless shelters, as the descendants of Abram moved into their homes and set up housekeeping.