NOWAY AND HIS SONS AND THEIR SONS
This section of the Bah Bull is drier than dust and BORING, with names of peoples derived from the sons of NoWay, and where they wound up living, so I will spare you the details and summarize this section.
NoWay planted a vineyard, and one day had a few liters too much to drink and was drunk on his ass. He took off all his clothes and lay down naked in his tent. Ham found his father lying naked and went and told his two brothers, Phlegm and Pork Chop. These two walked into the tent backwards, so they wouldn’t have to see a five-hundred-year-old man’s shriveled genitals, and dropped a sheet on their comatose father.
When NoWay sobered up, he was pissed at Ham, and put a curse on Ham’s son, Cannon, predicting that he would be a slave to the sons of the two backward-walking brothers, and that Phlegm and Pork Chop would prosper. You can see that NoWay had picked up some of the more despicable habits of the Big Kahuna.
NoWay’s grandchildren included Gomer, Magog, Nimrod, Lewd, Amway, Arbutus, Pegleg and Heath, and they lived in places like Sabteca, Ashkenaz, Calah, Zeboiim, Hazarmaveth, and Oz.
They became separate tribes with their own languages and customs, and so the seeds for rivalry and war were planted. No more one big happy family.
THE TOWER OF BABBLE ON
At one time all of the people of the world (there were about forty-seven at one count) spoke the same language. They had about twelve words that expressed their basic needs. They had no use for prepositions, conjunctions, adjectives, adverbs and the like. A few verbs and nouns sufficed for their daily routines, which consisted largely of eating, propagating and bathroom functions.
They settled in BabbleOn, on a plain (Some versions of the Bible say they settled on a plane, but this does not make sense as there weren’t planes at that time.) They bought some bricks at Home Depot, and one ambitious guy said, “Hey, let’s build a really tall tower that reaches to the sky, so we can make a name for ourselves.”
God came down and saw the tower, and said, “Cool-look at that-it scrapes the sky.”
But after thinking for another nanosecond, God decided that these people might get too uppity and think they could do anything, and God felt threatened. He said, “I shall go down there and mess with their language, so they will all be speaking different languages, and won’t be able to communicate. That way they won’t be able to cooperate on any more major projects, and my sovereignty will be assured.”
With a wave of his hand, God made his word manifest, and suddenly everyone was speaking a different language and no one could understand anyone else.
With a contented smirk on his face, God proclaimed, “Babble on, you idiots.”
The lesson here-don’t go challenging God-he doesn’t take kindly to too much ambition.
THE DESCENDANTS OF SHAM AND TERROR
More genealogy and begetting here, so I’ll spare you and just give you some big names.
Phlegm, son of NoWay, had a son named I’llPackHisBags, who had a son named Sheila (possibly a cross-dresser,) who had a son named Eber, who had a son name Pegleg, who had a son named Rue, who had a son named Shrug, who had a son named NoWhore, who had a son named Terror, who was the father of Abram and SaranWrap.
(None of these men seemed capable of fathering a girl child. Did you notice that?)
SaranWrap was the father of Alot. The Bible does not stipulate a lot of what-it just says Alot. Abram married SoreEye, who was unable to bear children (probably the reason she didn’t have any.)
Terror packed up Abram, Alot, and SoreEye, and they headed out to Cannon, which was the California of those times.
GOD CALLS ABRAM
Terror hadn’t quite made it to Cannon, so one day many years later, God rang up Abram, and told him to bundle up his belongings and slaves, along with SoreEye and Alot, and head out to Cannon, because God had big plans for Abram.
(It appears that slavery was an okay practice at that time, at least in the eyes of God. Otherwise he probably would have told Abram to free his slaves rather than pack them up. Don’t you think?)
There were CannonKnights living on the land, but God told Abram, “Don’t worry about these people. They only live here. I want you to have this land for yourself and your descendants. Just keep building altars to me wherever you go, and burn some barbeque.”
ABRAM IN EGYPT
There was a famine in Cannon, so Abram moved to Egypt. His wife was a knockout, and Abe was afraid that the border guards would take her and kill him, so he dressed her in mismatched clothing and told her to tell them she was his sister.
The Egyptians apparently had a thing for Jewish women, and so they whisked SoreEye off to the palace, knowing that the King would want to play koochy-koochy with her. Abe wasn’t upset with this, because the King gave him goats and cattle, which was infinitely better than being killed and having his head paraded around town on the end of a sharp stick.
When God learned that the King had bumped his uglies on SoreEye, he was really steamed, and sent some special pestilence and plagues upon the Egyptians. The King was a standup guy, and when he learned that SoreEye was Abram’s wife, he called for Abram and chewed him out royally, as was befitting a King, for not telling him that SoreEye was his squeeze.
Abram felt like a cad for so readily letting another man have his wife, but his greater concern was whether the King would take back the goats and cattle, to which Abram had already become attached. The King gave Abram an hour to clear out of town, but let him keep the goats.
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