THE BAH BULL

THE ONE
THE ONLY
THE WHOLLY UNHOLY ADULT VERSION
POLITICALLY INCORRECT

THE BAH BULL

TOTALLY UNEXPURGATED
DIRECT FROM THE MOUTH OF GOD TO THE EAR OF JIM
THE KING JIM VERSION
COMING SOON TO A MOVIE THEATER NEAR YOU!


WARNING
The contents within include but are not limited to: adult language, sexuality, bestiality, infidelity, defecation, masturbation, procrastination, urination, infamy, sacrilegiosity, hilarity, absurdity, fellatio, Pinocchio, quadratic equations, Yiddish words, dirty words, filthy words, disgusting words, and vulgar punctuation.
Some names have been changed to protect the guilty, but the basic story line is God’s honest truth, with some small modifications, elaborations, deletions, additions, transfigurations, explanations, obfuscations, and pornifications.


GENESIS

THE STORY OF CREATION

In the beginning God created the beginning, because He needed someplace to start, and He realized he couldn’t just jump in in the middle, because then skeptics would ask “Yeah, but who created what was there in the beginning before God came along?” Being prescient and having big time psychic powers, God copyrighted the idea of the beginning, so that no one else could come along later with a cadre of high-paid shyster lawyers and lay claim to being the forerunner of God. Not that God was petty, mind you-he just didn’t like the idea of anyone else, god or human, stealing His thunder.

It was very dark in the beginning, and God said “Holy shit…I can’t see a fucking thing around here!”
And so God sat down and contemplated what to do about this situation. And then, as if a light bulb went on, he said, “Bright…shine…that’s it… sounds like…chite….no, dight….light….YES…that’s the word I was looking for. YES! LIGHT!
Damn, I’m good!”
And then an inner voice spoke unto him, and said, “No, schmuck, you’re not GOOD… you’re GOD.” And God answered, “Whatever!”

So God created General Electric fluorescent light bulbs, and said, “There, that’s better...now I can see where the hell I’m going.”
And God said to the light bulbs, “Go forth and multiply, but no dividing yet.”
And the light bulbs went forth and screwed themselves silly into any available sockets. And pretty soon, there was light everywhere.
And God said, “Damn, that light is ugly! Might work for a corporate office setting, but not in the forests and other cool places.”
(God was thinking out loud, because at this time there were no forests, and the corporate office building was only a concept in the back of the mind of God.)

And God said, “You know…if I was more ambitious, I would get rid of these lights and come up with something more aesthetic, but I have a shitload of stuff to do, and only seven days to get it done before The Missus comes back.” (This is something that has been left out of every version of the Bible, but in the original Bible, the one upon which this version is based, there is mention of The Missus, also referred to as The Little Lady and The Wife.)
“I’ll let The Little Lady deal with the lights herself if she doesn’t like them.”

Then God separated the Light from the Dark, and said, “I probably shouldn’t throw the light and the dark together in the same wash, or The Little Lady will have a fit.”
God called the Light Light, and the Dark he called Dark. He wanted to keep things simple, and saw no need to confuse the situation by calling the Light by some other name, like Day.
(Again most versions of the Bible say God called the Light Day and the Dark Night, but this is only to make God appear more imaginative and less banal than he actually was.)
And the Dark passed, and the Light came-that was the first day.

And God woke up, and said, “Okay, Big Guy, what you gonna do today?”
Since God had not yet created golf or movies, there wasn’t a whole lot available in the way of entertainment, so he decided to do some arranging.
“I think I’ll put a roof over the water, just in case it rains, “said God, and created a roof and called it Sky.
And the light and the dark came and went, and that was the second day.

God looked around and saw that there was water everywhere. No biggie for him, as he could walk on water, and was a fantastic swimmer, but where would normal mortals live? God hadn’t created man yet, but he was toying with the idea, as he was very lonely and quite bored. He could have given man gills, but then he would have had to come up with another plan for fish, and he didn’t want to have to work that hard.
So God said, “Let there be land.”
And nothing happened. God repeated in a louder voice this time, “I said, let there be land!”
Again nothing. “So much for the magic.” God shrugged, and set about to create land. He called the land Earth, not for any good reason, but because he meant to call it Heart, and he was dyslexic.

And God looked at the earth he had just created, and said, “BORING!”
And so God decided to spruce it up by planting plants of all kinds. Plants that produced food, plants that were pretty to look at, plants that would burn your skin if you touched them, plants with sharp stickers that would impale you and hurt like the dickens. You get the picture. God had a mean streak, and you didn’t want to cross him. God was pleased with what he saw, and dark and light came and went, and that was the third day.

And on the morning of the fourth day God woke and said to himself, (well, who else was there to talk to? DUH!) “I’d better haul ass. It’s already Day Four, and The Little Lady will be home before you know it.”
God looked at the Sky, and it was dark, and God said, “It could use some light, but not those cheesy fluorescent things.”
So God yanked out thousands of the plants he had just planted the day before, set them on fire, and said, “I wish I had thought of this before I wasted my time planting all these damn things yesterday.”
(Yeah, I know…you’re asking what did God use to start a fire with. You’re not supposed to ask logical questions. God is beyond questioning. He’s the Big Kahuna. If God wants to start a fire, he’ll find a way. Don’t you be worrying your pretty little head over this. Maybe he rubbed sticks together. Okay, you feel better now?)

When the fire got real big, God tossed it into the Sky and called it Son, because he produced it, and he wanted a bright light in the Sky that would remind him of himself. And he admired his work and said, “Dig that, the Son of God.”

And the dark came, and God said, “Damn, where’s that Son of mine gone to now?”
And God called out, “Oh Son, peekaboo, I don’t see you,” but there was no answer, and God was pretty steamed. It was also very dark, so God took some cottage cheese and made a big ball, and tossed it high into the dark sky and called it Moon. And God threw lots of little pieces of cottage cheese up into the sky and called them Stars. And God’s shoulders and arms were very sore from all this throwing, and he said, “Ouch, I think I have tennis elbow. I should have spread all that throwing out over two days, but a God’s gotta do what a God’s gotta do.”
And this was the fourth day. And God crashed.

The next morning God consulted his to-do list, and saw that he needed to put something in the water and in the sky. So God created creatures to swim in the sea, and called them Fish. And God said, “Go multiply, and pee anywhere you like. No one will know the difference.”
God forgot about Number Two, and pretty soon the fish were not only multiplying, they were forming schools to study quantum mechanics and organic chemistry, and they were fouling the waters with their waste products.
And God said, “I have to remember to tell man not to drink water-fish fuck in it.” (WC Fields was to steal this line many centuries later.)

And God made all kinds of good-tasting fish; some that would taste better broiled, some that would be delightful when poached, some that would need pan-broiling and some that you could throw live into a boiling pot of water.
And God said, “ Poor little stupid fish. You will be victims of man, who will tempt you with worms and flies, and then yank you out of the water with a hook in your mouth, beat you senseless, and burn you over a fire.”
But God wasn’t a total sadist. He gave the fish tiny little brains so they wouldn’t understand what was happening to them.

Realizing that not everyone would live near the water, or enjoy fish all that much, God decided to put some different kind of creature in the sky. So he collected some feathers and glued them onto an empty eggshell and called it Bird. God made a whole collection of these, painting them all sorts of bright colors, and after icing his shoulders and downing a couple of Ibuprofen, tossed them all into the sky, and said “Fly away, and go multiply, birdies, but only do so with your own kind. Do you understand? If I hear of a robin bonking an eagle, or a hawk shacking up with a cockatoo, you guys are gonna find out just how unpleasant a pissed off God can be.”
And God said, “I’ve had it,” and settled in with a gin and tonic and a hot water bottle. And the fifth day came and went.

On the morning of the sixth day God awoke and said, “God, am I ever sore! I could really use a good massage.”
But God realized there was no one who could give him a massage, as Missus God was away, and even if she were around, her delicate little hands were hardly strong enough to do the trick for The Almighty, who needed someone who could knead him with a pair of really gigundous mitts.
God reflected on where things were at, and said, “I’m getting close. If I can get this project done in the next two days, I can turn it over to man, and kick back for the next couple of millennia. It’s still feeling a little bleak. I think I need some creatures here on the Earth.”

So God set about creating animals of all sizes and shapes, and gave them names like armadillo, aardvark, porcupine, buffalo, bison, and rhinoceros. He made Dinah sore, brontosaurus, stegosaurus, George Soros, and Tyrone a saurus rex. He made bear and deer, and tigers and lions, and squirrels and ferrets, and monkeys and gibbons, handkies and pasta and cornflakes and ribbons. God was on a manic tear, and he was making up silly jokes and singing silly songs.
“What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?” God shouted out to the heavens, and answering his own question, shot back, “You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo,” and then laughed so hard he peed all over his robe. (Note that this side of God is seldom alluded to in traditional versions of the Bible, where God is portrayed as Yahweh, a vengeful and stern God.

All of the passages dealing with God’s practical jokes and card tricks were expurgated by the Church, which feared that if the people saw God as a jokester, no one would take him seriously.)
After running out of names for the different animals God called it quits, and said, “I command all of you to hook up with your own kind and make lots of babies. Be careful-it’s a jungle out there and you’re on your own now. Someone bigger and stronger than you is probably gonna try to eat you, so keep on your toes. He who snoozes loses. (God loved this line.) Tomorrow I’m gonna make man, and he’s gonna be a mean son-of-a-bitch, made in my own image. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I can throw him. He’s not gonna be as big as a lot of you guys, but I’m gonna give him a really big brain, so he can figure out how to make tools that he can use to hunt you down and mess you up.”
And the light and the dark came and went, and it was the sixth day.

On the morning of the seventh day, God woke with a start, and realized that something was wrong. This was supposed to be the day he rested, but he had forgotten to make man.
So God added another day to the week, but also called it the sixth day, saying, “Hey, sue me. I may be God, but I’m not Superman. Six days just isn’t enough time to get the deal done. I’m going to exert my option to sneak in an extra day here, and I’m just gonna call it day six. If ya don’t like it, then fire my ass.”

And so God picked up a handful of dirt and made man. He gave him two legs and made him stand upright, so that mankind would be able to form neat, compact lines when waiting to buy tickets for athletic events and the theater. God said to man, “I have created you in my image. Of course you are not nearly as handsome as I am, nor do you have the great six-pack abs that I have, but you’ll do. I grant you dominion over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and the land animalia, large and small, but watch your ass, because some of these mothers are big enough to eat you in one gulp. Hang loose bros, and remember who made you. Don’t go getting too uppity, cause I’ll come down there and visit pestilence and plagues upon you if you fuck with me. You don’t even know what those are, because they’re still on the drawing board, but trust me, Jack, they’ll make waterboarding seem like a stroll in the park.”

And with that, God lay down, closed his eyes, and took a well-deserved nap.