The Descendants of Cain and Adman; The Wickedness of Mankind; Noway

THE DESCENDANTS OF CAIN AND ADMAN

Everyone started reproducing like rabbits at this point, and pretty soon the population was exploding exponentially, with more strange names floating around than you could shake a stick at. There was Mentholatum, father of LambShack. LambShack was married to Abba and Godzillah. Abba gave birth to two sons named Jubal and Jabal, ancestors of Tweedledum and Tweedledee. Godzillah begat Tubal Ligation, whose sister was Nevermore, named after a passage from Edgar Allen Poe(m). The highlight of this section of the Bah Bull was the announcement by LambShack to his wives that he had killed a young twenty-something for shorting him on a drug deal.

Adman decided later in life that he sorely missed changing diapers, and at the age of 130 had a son named Seth. (If one were to think about this rationally, one might wonder about the quality of sperm that had been around for 130 years, not to mention the libido of a guy Adman’s age, but then who are we to question the word of God?) Adman enjoyed his newborn so much that he sired other children after the age of 130, and had a few more good years, dying at the age of 930. (I know what you’re thinking. Does this guy think we fell off a turnip truck? If he said 600 or 700, we might have bought that, but c’mon, no one lives to 900! Think about it though: no pollution, a natural food diet, lots of fresh air and exercise, no smoking, and good God genes. Could happen.)

Mentholatum had LambShack when he was 187, and died at 969, making Adman look like a wimp by comparison. LambShack had a son named NoWay, and died at 777, a multiple of 111, like 666, the mark of Satan, a meaningless bit of numerical trivia.
NoWay was leery of commitment, and being unskilled, lacked confidence in his ability to support a family, and so waited a few years until he had established himself in a career. Five hundred years to be exact. NoWay had three sons after the age of 500, who he referred to as My Three Sons. NoWay’s sons were named Phlegm, Ham, and Pork Chop.
(If you think I’m making these numbers up, check out another version of the Bible. I might be making some of the names up, but I wouldn’t mess with the numbers.)






THE WICKEDNESS OF MANKIND

There were many beautiful girls being born (remember the comeliness of Even, the fount of all this reproduction,) and they were scooped up by heavenly beings who carried them off somewhere where they could fool around with them. At this time there were beings walking the face of the Earth who were the offspring of mortal women and heavenly beings, whatever or whoever these heavenly beings were. They didn’t carry ID or credit cards-that’s for sure. One can only theorize as to who these heavenly beings were, but they obviously had a taste for nubile Earth girls.

God was absolutely disgusted with all the fornication, masturbation, oral sex, and ménage a trois that was going on, especially since he was never invited to join in the fun, so He decided to wipe out the human race he had created, sparing only NoWay, who had become his favorite drinking buddy and confidante.






NOWAY

God was fed up with the misbehavior of humans. It was like friggin’ Chicago during the days of Capone. Liquor, gambling, drugs, sex, corruption-come to think of it, it was just like virtually everyplace else during every period of history. Makes you wonder if maybe the fault lay in the Creator. Oh well, ours is not to question. Anyway, there was one geek who was a goody-two-shoes and never did anything bad. This guy was B-O-R-I-N-G, but God thought he was the cat’s meow. His name was NoWay.

God told NoWay that he was going to send a giant flood to destroy mankind, womankind, childkind and animalkind, and that NoWay should get to work on a cruise ship big enough to house NoWay’s immediate and extended family, and a bunch of animals.
God said, “Make sure you take a male and female of every type of animal, because you might be on the boat for a long time, and nothing spoils the tranquility of a cruise like a bunch of big, horny animals running up and down the decks looking for something to copulate with.”

NoWay asked, “Every animal, Lord?”
God replied, “ Well, I suppose you could leave the mosquitoes, ticks, fleas and tsetse flies behind.”
NoWay said, “You know you can count on me, Captain (this was his nickname for the Big Kahuna) but I don’t know shit from shinola when it comes to carpentry. Couldn’t you get Jesus to build the ship? After all, he’s a carpenter.”
God was annoyed by this stupid question, and responded peevishly, “You idiot! Don’t you see how anachronistic that is? Jesus doesn’t come till the New Testament. Are you trying to rewrite history?”
“Of course, forgive me the faux pas. What was I thinking? I’ll give it my best shot. I just hope I’m able.”
“No way,” responded God. “You can’t be Abel. Cain slew Abel, or is it slawed…let’s see…slay…slew…slawding? Well, he killed him, let’s leave it at that.”

And so NoWay had his wife write invitations to two of every animal and bird, and asked them to RSVP. He didn’t invite any fish because he heard they drank like fish, and he didn’t want any trouble on the ship. Besides, being fish, he figured they would weather the flood just fine. Sure they might get wet, but they weren’t going to drown!
Meanwhile NoWay started putting in some long hours to prepare the vessel that was to save him, his family, and a boatload of animals.