The Flood;The End of the Flood:Noway Offers a Sacrifice

THE FLOOD

And God told NoWay, “Take into the boat with you seven pair of clean animals, but only one pair of unclean animals.”
“Clean and unclean animals?” came NoWay’s response.
“Is there an echo in this room?” responded the Lord. “Do I lisp? Yes, NoWay, clean and unclean animals-do I not make myself clear?”
“Begging your pardon, Lord, but I’m not catching the drift. How do I tell a clean animal from an unclean animal?”
“Okay, NoWay, pay attention now. I’ll talk very slowly. Kitty cat-clean. Pig-unclean. Cockapoo puppy-clean. Rhinoceros-unclean. Get the picture?”

NoWay still wasn’t sure he grasped the concept, but he was not about to incur any more of God’s sarcasm, so he nodded his head.
“Okay, NoWay, now haul ass and get everyone on the boat, because I’m about to let loose a mighty stream, and you don’t want to be in the way when that happens.”

NoWay was 600 years old at this time, but he was a jogger and a workout fanatic, and he still moved pretty good for an old guy. Seven days after NoWay had gotten everyone on board, the rains started, and for forty days and forty nights, it rained cats and dogs. You can only imagine of how little value an umbrella would have been against a sky raining such animals. One small dog landing on your umbrella would have been enough to disable it completely. It was a mess! At least water soaks into the earth and goes down storm sewers. Cats and dogs just pile up. Imagine what that must have looked like after forty days!

NoWay had forgotten to put an engine in his boat. Remember he was working against a tight deadline, and the only thing he had ever built prior to this boat was a campfire to roast marshmallows when he was a Cub Scout. After forty days the boat came to rest on Mount Ararat. Interestingly this was the same place the boat had begun its journey. One might consider this a remarkable coincidence, but then again, if one gave this a moment of reflection, one would quickly conclude that a boat without an engine would not get very far, especially in a sea of cats and dogs, which are not particularly buoyant.
It turned out to be a good thing NoWay had so many animals on board, because the cats and dogs did not recede for one hundred and fifty days, and NoWay and his family were trapped aboard the vessel for this period, and the meager supply of grain and figs had run out after two weeks. Fortunately a couple of NoWay’s relatives were butchers, and NoWay was thankful that he had such a bountiful supply of animals on board to feed him and his family for the next several months.







THE END OF THE FLOOD

When the flood abated, NoWay sent out a pigeon, but it never came back. Two weeks later he sent out a dove, and it returned with a bottle of olive oil. He took this as a good sign, and a week later sent out a parrot. The parrot returned a couple of days later and said “Pretty bird, pretty bird.”
NoWay put his hands around the parrot’s throat, and said “Knock it off, or you’re supper tonight. What did you see out there?”
The parrot, realizing that NoWay wasn’t joking about the supper remark, answered, “A world of dead cats and dogs, but otherwise not much going on, boss.”
God instructed NoWay to get everyone off the boat, and to send them out to reproduce and repopulate the Earth. NoWay was thankful that he had spared one male and one female pig, as they had been incredibly tasty, and it would have been a shame to have a world without bacon, pork chops, and ribs.




NOWAY OFFERS A SACRIFICE

NoWay built an altar to the Lord, and made a burnt sacrifice of one each of the animals who remained, except the pigs as previously mentioned. The Lord, smelling the sweet smell of the smoke, exclaimed, “Mmm, barbeque-damn, why wasn’t I invited?”
God had been doing some heavy thinking, and had come to some conclusions.

“You know, I guess I just have to accept the fact that humans have some bad intentions, and those that don’t have bad intentions are simply weak and driven by their animal nature, and are bound to screw up. I can’t be sending natural disasters down to wipe out the human race every time I get pissed off. From now on, I’ll just send local disasters that wipe out small pockets of humanity.”

And God followed through with this commitment, sending drought, hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, mudslides, forest fires, diseases, and war whenever he was irked by the behavior of man. Centuries later when he was particularly ticked off at the hedonistic lifestyle of Californians, he sent combinations of these disasters on a regular basis as punishment.