The Talking Snake

THE TALKING SNAKE

One day Even was catching some rays in the garden, when a snake caught sight of her, and noticing that she had quite the body, slithered up to her, hoping to put some moves on her, or at least get a closer look at the fine looking lady.
“Say baby, you looking mighty fine. You live around here?” asked the snake.
Even, startled, looked around but didn’t see anybody.
“Adman, is that you?”

“No, mama, it’s me…down here…down where your feet are at, sweet momma.”
Even looked down to where the voice seemed to emanate from, but all she saw was a snake.
“Boy, the sun must be getting to me,” she said. “I could have sworn I heard someone talking to me, but there’s no one here but me.”
“I was talking to you, pretty lady…me, the snake.”
“Well, I’ll be!” exclaimed Even, realizing now that in fact the voice was coming from the snake. “A talking snake…will miracles never cease…but how?”
“How is not a relevant question at this juncture, hot momma. How about you and me get to know each other a little better. You mighty fine! You hungry? I happen to have a primo apple here…home grown, organic…want to share it with me?”

Even hadn’t eaten anything but a granola bar for breakfast, and so she accepted the apple.
“Gee, this is so cool. Wait till I tell Adman that I had lunch with a talking snake. He’ll never believe me.”
“Tell me something, hot momma. Did anyone tell you that you shouldn’t eat the fruit from that big tree over there in the middle of the garden?”
“Now that you mention it, Adman did mention something about one tree that God said was off limits. Adman said something really awful would happen if we ate from that tree.”
“Don’t you be believing that nonsense, girl. That God is a trickster. He doesn’t want anyone eating those apples because they’re the tastiest apples in the whole garden, and the dude wants them all for himself. Well I’d best be getting along now. Don’t you be a stranger now, you hear?”
And with that, the snake slithered off, and moments later Adman appeared. Even decided not to mention the snake, for fear that Adman would think her a total ditz, but she did offer him a bite of the delicious apple (Note: It was not a Delicious apple. It was a Granny Smith, but it was delicious.)

Later that evening, Adman heard the voice of God. “Oh Adman, where are you? Don’t try to hide from God. God doesn’t like when you play games with him.”
“I didn’t want you to see me, God, because I was naked and I felt ashamed,” responded Adman.
“How did you know you were naked, Adman?” queried the Lord.
“With all due respect, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out, now does it?”
“Have you eaten from the tree that I told you that you mustn’t ever touch?” God asked, sounding a bit peevish and accusatory.
“Hell no,” said Adman. “Not after you told me what you’d do to me if I did. No way, Jose!”
“Adman, God doesn’t like it when you lie to Him. I made you in My image, and I don’t lie. Neither should you. You have fucked up big time, Adman, and now you must pay for your transgression.”