God Pronounces Judgment

GOD PRONOUNCES JUDGMENT

God was pissed at Adman and Even, and when he found out about the snake, he added him to his shit list.
God said to the snake, “You thought you were a cunning rascal, and would get away with this little shenanigan, but you’re no match for me, you little pishochs (Yiddish word.) You shall spend the rest of your days in dry, barren Me Forsaken lands or locked up behind glass windows in zoos, where children will come and make faces at you. You will slither across roads and get run over by fast moving eighteen-wheelers, and hunters will make belts and cowboy boots out of you. How do you like them apples? (God really drove the knife in deep with this allusion to apples. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck (no relation to the duck) were to borrow this line centuries later and incorporate it into the movie Good Will Hunting.)

God went to Even and said, “You shameless hussy! Just who do you think you are, Missy? Defying your Master, your Creator! Just wait until you have your first child. I was going to make that a pleasant, memorable experience for you, but now it shall be memorable for the unbearable pain you will suffer. I will make certain that your firstborn is the size of a linebacker, and you will know pain that you cannot even imagine. I will instill in you a love of shoes, but will make sure you have to pay an arm and a leg for those shoes, and that the shoes you love the most will never be available in your size. I will inconvenience you for the rest of your days by making you bleed every month, and have to insert cardboard objects into your private place to stanch the flow. You fucked with the wrong guy, little lady!” (God really used the F-bomb a lot.)

God was most upset with Adman, his firstborn, for whom he held such high expectations. He was hoping that Adman might get an M.B.A. degree from Harvard, and perhaps become CEO of a major corporation. But now God was seeing red and was in a nasty, vindictive mood (Could you tell?)

“Adman, I will not cut your penis off as I threatened, because I need you to propagate, but I will create sexually transmitted diseases, that will cause your penis to burn every time you pee, and to ooze and emit foul and unsightly discharge. You will have to worry constantly about getting one of these STDs, and it will take half the fun out of sex. I will create taxes of all kinds, so that for every dollar you earn you will only get to keep fifty cents. I will make aging a cruel joke, so the longer you live, the more pain will your body give you. Your eyesight and hearing will go, your joints will give out, and you will have to replace them with plastic. You will lose your memory and won’t be able to recognize your own wife. All this and more I visit upon you, you scumbag, for eating that apple!”
(Geez, Louise-all this for taking a bite out of a stinking apple? Imagine what God would have done if Adman had copped a bite of His Amaretto cheesecake in the fridge.)

And with this, God gave Adman and Even twenty minutes to pack up their belongings and booted them forever out of the Garden of Eatin. He set up an electric perimeter fence around the garden, so if they ever tried to sneak back in, they would receive an electric shock powerful enough to send them flying ten feet backwards on their respective asses.
God was not a patient kind of guy, and he didn’t cope well when his wishes were defied. He wanted to send a clear signal to Adman and Even that anyone who messed up would be dealt with swiftly and harshly, and wanted them to spread this message far and wide.