The Mopyites and Ammonianites; Abraham and Abby Melech; The Birth of Isick

THE ORIGIN OF THE MOPYITES AND THE AMMONIANITES

Alot had come to rest in the small town in which the deli was located, and though he loved the knishes and pastrami sandwiches, and enjoyed the kibitzing that went on in the deli, he feared staying in the town, so he fled with his daughters to the hills nearby and moved into a cozy split-level cave, which had a certain charm, though there was no shower or bath.

One night the older daughter said to her younger sister, “You know sis, we’re not getting any younger, and our eggs are deteriorating with every passing day. If we are going to have children, we need to strike while the iron is hot. How about if we get dad drunk, and have sex with him?”
The younger sister looked at her in total disbelief. “You crazy? No way!”
“Way,” said the older sister. “Think about it. Where are we going to find men to have sex with us? We weren’t much to look at when we were young, and now we’re old bags. Who would have us?”
“I guess you’re right,” said the younger sister. “Geez, maybe those two angels shouldn’t have stopped the Sodomites from having their way with us. At least we’d have had a little action and a kid to show for it. But yuck…dad? He must be a hundred years old. What makes you think he can still get it up, especially if he’s drunk?”
“Let me tend to that,” replied the older sister, who apparently had thought this out and was prepared for that eventuality.

So as not to arouse your prurient interest, I’ll spare you the details of the encounter, which as you might imagine, were not pretty. Suffice it to say that the deed was carried out, and the next night the younger sister had her turn, after slipping a roofie into dad’s wine.
Both girls became pregnant by their father. The oldest bore a son, who she named Mope, and the younger, a boy name Ben Ammonia, who looked a bit like a monkey. Mope was the ancestor of the Mopyites, and Ben Ammonia became the ancestor of the Ammonia Nites.


ABRAHAM AND ABBY MELECH

When Abraham was living in Gerar, he again made up a story about Sarah being his sister, a stunt he had pulled in Egypt. This time King Abby Melech took Sarah, as he too had a thing for hundred-year-old, dark-haired Jewesses.
God came to King Abby and told him he had screwed up by taking another man’s wife.
“Say what?” replied King Abby. “The dude told me he was her brother.”
Abby sent for Abraham, and asked, “What the fuck, bro? Why didn’t you tell me the bitch was your old lady?”
“I figured you guys would kill me to get her anyway, and so I was just trying to save my behind. Can’t blame a guy for trying to survive.”Abby turned Sarah over to Abraham, untouched, and in addition gave him some cattle and sheep. Abraham was making out like a bandit by bartering his wife for hoofed animals. He realized he had a good thing going, as he always got Sarah back in the long run.

God had punished Abby Melech by making it impossible for any of the women in his palace to bear children.
King Abby beseeched Abraham, “ Bro, I need you to know I never touched your wife, and never would have taken her if I had known you were her husband, and not her brother. Now your God has put a curse on the women in my palace by making them barren. You have some pull with The Man. How about you ask him to forgive me and remove the curse, so I can make me some baby Abby Melechs?”
Abraham felt it was the least he could for King Abby, as Abby had given him some fine animals along with a bunch of coin, and so Abraham requested leniency from God and his request was honored.



THE BIRTH OF ISICK

As promised, Sarah bore Abraham a son, when Abraham was one hundred years old, and he was named Isick.
God came to Abraham and said, “I knew you could do it, you altacocka! Here, have a cigar-one of Cuba’s finest. Look, just between you and me, the kid might be a little feeble-minded. Let’s face it Abe, having a kid at your age is a minor miracle, but hundred-year-old sperm is hundred-year-old sperm. You know what I’m talking about. Don’t forget to cut off the tip of his little dick too, or he won’t be a certified member of the tribe.”
Abraham did as he was commanded, though Isick peed all over him as he started to cut, and Abe passed out from the sight of the blood.